Ouija, Tetris, and other So Bad Let's Make Them Movies About Games

Battleship was merely the tip of the bad idea iceberg set to run aground and destroy us.   There is a Tetris movie in the works and this Fall, Ouija slides its way into theaters.

So, I thought.  Why not beat the machine to the punch.  Here is my list of the SO BAD LET’S MAKE THEM MOVIES BASED ON GAMES

Christopher Nolan’s Reversi
Hungry Hungry Hippos 2: The Purging

Martin Scorcese’s Monopoly with Daniel Day Lewis playing Rich Uncle Pennybags

Joaquin Phoenix stars in UNO, a film by Spike Jonze

Judd Apatow’s Ants in the Pants

Russell Crowe squares off against Christoph Waltz in Terrence Malick’s RISK

Quentin Tarrantino’s Grindhouse double feature Trivial Pursuit/Scrabble

Rob Zombie’s Candy Land

Liam Nesson in Sorry!

Michael Bay’s Perfection 

Always Be Batman

There has been a rumor floating around that Ben Affleck is no longer portraying the Caped Crusader in the sequel to Man of Steel.

Curiously, this comes on the heels of the news that the movie’s release date was pushed back to 2016.  So, is it real, rumor, or an example of how people just love to create buzz in order to keep something going?

Batman portrayals summon the hell fires of hate from fanboys almost as much as James Bond replacements do.   The news that Ben Affleck was taking on the role in an non-Batman centric film was simply a way for nerd rage to take its final form.  And now, after the anger has cooled, we are set upon again by “NEWS. FROM. THE. INTERWEBS!”  By all means, let’s go and vent some more about how much we hate someone else’s choice to play a role that we have no stake in from a business standpoint.  I jest, of course, I’ve raged in my own ways at Hollywood over the years, but someone people get a little… batty.

But, if it is indeed true and some weird coincidence of a story comes out stating something about Ben Affleck and Zack Snyder not sharing the same vision or whatever, be rest assured that the Internet will have a field day with its own casting wet dream.   I am not any different.  Batman is a hell of a lot cooler than Superman.  He’s an antihero.  He’s cynically heroic.  And the ideas that are being thrown around for the Man of Steel sequel have Batman being portrayed as an older version of Bruce Wayne.   He is somewhat of a mentor to Superman.  Perhaps this is a seasoned Batman, near the end of his career as the hero Gotham needs.

Here are my “Fifteen Batmans Better Than Ben” list.  

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From http://abcnews.go.com

15.  Matthew Fox - "We have to go back, Alfred!"  The LOST star is 47 and has the look of a Bruce Wayne/Batman possibility.   He can be dark and mysterious and somewhat boyish.  

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From http://cdn03.cdn.justjared.com

14.  Brad Pitt - I can see it.   After all, Val Kilmer filled the role in the first of the two Schumacher stinkers.  At 50, he has the age and could pull it off but I would worry that he'd point at everything and there would be crumbs stuck down in the seats of the Bat Mobile.

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 From http://24.media.tumblr.com

 

13.    Jensen Ackles – Dean Winchester fans might like the gravelly portrayal but at 35 he’s a bit young to play the role.  Still, he has the wit and sarcasm to carry the cowl.   But, he’d have to stretch it to really compete with an actor only five years younger than him.

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From  www.gamesradar.com

12.    Vince Vaughn – The 43 old is probably the least likely to ever see the inside of the Bat Cave, but consider how well he wears a suit and carry himself as Bruce Wayne.  After all, the majority of the character will be in action and not talking.  He could give the performance of his career if done right.

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From http://elprimerodelafila.com.ve

11.   Gerard Butler - At 44, he definitely has the action chops.  And honestly, the look of the Dark Knight couldn't come easier to someone who once crooned "The Music Of the Night".   He could give the Bat some Scottish brooding and edge.

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 From http://www.gq.com

10.  Jon Hamm - 42 is somewhat young -ish, but he has the look and style of someone much more wise and sophisticated.  He does seem a bit stiff to portray the Dark Knight, but in the Batsuit, you can barely move anyway.  The Mad Men star could pull off a Batman.

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From  http://mechanteanemone.wordpress.com 

9.      Idris Elba - Even younger than Hamm, your first inclination might be, "Oh, why would you go there?"  Why not?  He could certainly pull it off and it's not like we need to wait around for a reboot of Blade or a John Stewart / Green Lantern sequel for it to happen.  Although he could do it for Justice League.  At 41, Elba is every bit as talented as each actor on this list, if not more so.  I see no reason why he could not do justice to it.

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 From http://d38zt8ehae1tnt.cloudfront.net

8.   James Caviezel – At 45, James has all the stoicism of the Bat and all the badassery needed to portray the Dark Knight.  His man in the suit character, John Resse, from Person of Interest clearly shows a sense of ninja like skills and cool temperament to be a seasoned super hero.  Only issue... he's skinny.

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From https://pmchollywoodlife.files.wordpress.com

7.    James Purefoy – The 49 year old Brit is currently in The Following, but you maybe remember him as the bad guy in Resident Evil or the Prince in A Knight’s Tale.  But he has the age and the acting chops to play Bruce Wayne as a crustier caped crusader.  

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From http://collider.com

6.    Josh Brolin - At 45, he couldn't be at a better place to play the role.   He has the stature, the look, and the chin for the role.  He did do Jonah Hex, but we'll forgive that.  And I may be able to forgive him for going along with Spike Lee's vision to destroy a perfectly good movie like Oldboy, but this old boy might be better as a Bat.

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From https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com

5.  Bruce Willis – He may be bald, but he’s worn a hairpiece before.  Even at 58,  Red and Red 2 shows he still has some action left in him but can he play wise and brooding?  I give you Sin City and the Zack Snyder.  Think post Bane Chiropractic Batman.

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From http://cdn.wegotthiscovered.com

4.    John Cusack – No one would wear black better than someone who was once Better Off Dead.  He has the brooding thing down pat.  And he can pull off the fighting or at least a stunt double could.  He is 47, but he has the perfect noire vocal delivery to play the Dark Knight, detective style.

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From https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com

3.   David Boreanaz –  The 44 year old Bones and Buffyverse star has a bit of bite playing a vampire and an FBI agent, so he has some experience with the material.  He also rumored to be up for the role in Christopher Nolan’s trilogy before Christian Bale was cast.  This was somewhat of a PR stunt I’ve read and that he was never really considered.

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 From http://images.starpulse.com

2.    Michael Keaton – I mean… why not?  He’s 62… so what?  What better way to get your fanboys in the seat than to pay homage to the original casting choice from 25 years ago.  Michael Keaton, to me, is almost as iconic in the role as Christopher Reeve was to Superman.  I see no reason why he couldn’t have a field day with this… Again.  CGI and stunt doubles.

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From http://www.wwd.com

1.   Jeffrey Dean Morgan – I really want this one to happen.  JDM has almost been the Sean Bean of television and film, nearly dying in every role he’s played.  As Papa Winchester on Supernatural he played father and demon hunter to Sam and Dean.  He’s got the age about right with 47 and he’s played comic book characters before with The Comedian in The Watchmen.

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OK, there's my take.  Bring on the hate.  LOL.   Any suggestions?  Leave me a comment.

2013 D-Bag Awards Round Two: The Fellowship of the D-Bags

• Mother Nature
• Humanity
• Congress
• Hollywood
• The Brothers Tsarnaev
• George Zimmerman
• Aaron Hernandez
• Black Friday
• Phone Companies

There are your nominees for the biggest douche bag in 2013.   Look at them.  Each one deserving of the title, but only one will walk away with the right to be called as such. 

It’s been a long year for us.  We’ve survived natural disasters and possibly being shot by George Zimmerman or Aaron Hernandez.  The Boston Marathon bombing taught us not only that we are strong as a society but severely flawed in our hatred and stupidity towards those people and things we think are different.   We elevate stupidity to lofty heights and reward companies for being douches by raking honest working people for a buck.  We’d call our congressman and tell them what’s up, but they already know what we’re talking about anyway and they’re probably on recess anyway and not going to listen.  I guess you could say it sounds just like a really bad movie involving sharks and tornadoes, but that would never get made, RIGHT?

So, looking at that list of nine entries, it’s hard to narrow down one particular contestant and say that THEY are the biggest douche bag.

Then again, maybe it isn’t that hard.  Maybe the answer is pretty easy.  Look at that list.  Everything boils down into two columns; Nature and People.  Mother Nature tore Death a new one in the last round, but it’s still nothing compared to the sheer force of hate and stupidity that is humanity.  This year, with all of the issues: same sex marriage, racism, bullying, rewarding stupid famous people, and sharing it all on the Internet, we have sunk to new lows.   We hate with more vitriol than I think we have ever done so, before.  We have gone to greater lengths to screw one another over, keep each other down, and simply just hate.   And it’s not that there isn’t a bright and shining center in all of this, but it’s so clouded over with the general blech of people being spiteful and entitled and bratty.   The entire human race needs a good spanking and for that the 2013 D-Bag Of the Year Award goes to us.

We deserve it.   Next year, let’s try harder to not be such assholes.

2013 D-Bag Awards Round One: Hollywood vs. Video Game Companies

Hollywood vs. Video Game Companies

2013 became a colossal year for Entertainment Industry screw ups.   Some of the most anticipated events turned out to be colossal fails and in both camps.  2013 simple became a challenge of who wanted it more, the video game industry or Hollywood.

Hollywood had a lot riding on 2013.  They went into the year still smarting from the fail that was John Carter, with a new plan.   Let’s rely on those that have brought us big wins in the past.

The Lone Ranger was supposed to be the Cowboys and Indians equivalent to audience’s love of Pirates.  After all, you have Johnny Depp playing Tonto.  The problem was that audiences were beginning to suffer from Depp-ression after Pirates 4 failed to wow them.  Yeah, it grossed over a billion worldwide but the loss of three key components to the series, Orlando Bloom, Kiera Knightly, and director Gore Verbinski, made for a rather anemic plot and quite frankly, continuing the series after the confusing At Worlds End was a bit of rum soaked head scratcher.    One would think it would make perfect sense to shift the action to dry land and dig up an American icon, The Lone Ranger.   But in the overly sensitive world of being, um, sensitive, folks were angered at Depp’s portrayal of Tonto, of course they were mostly white.  Native American’s fell on both sides of the fence, giving some concern over Depp’s possibly stereotypical “Injun” portrayal, but others commending him for at least attempting to speak Comanche and not seem like an Indian and more like a Comanche American.   Yet, the film failed.  Too much action, not enough Western nostalgia.  It was simply Pirates of the Old West.

Other flagrant d-bag moves by Hollywood?  How about we look at the remakes like Carrie, Evil Dead, and Oldboy?  Each one did not need to be remade.  Carrie was ridiculous, Evil Dead was Cabin in the Woods played straight, and Spike Lee whitewashing Park Chan-wook’s 2003 film just to make a buck made for a stupid moves on an industry that is already losing out to home viewing.  Case in point,  I took my kid to see Frozen over the holiday and the cost of the tickets were less than the concessions.   Granted, the prices were a bargain price during a matinee, but still, theaters don’t make any money off of the films anymore, just concessions.   Hollywood needs to start putting a better product out and stop being idiots if they want to bring people back for the prices they charge.

Not to be outdone, the video game industry had its share of moments.  Let’s see…

Microsoft reveals Xbox One and says, “YOU HAVE TO BE ONLINE TO PLAY!”  Oh, wait, they took that back.

EA launches Sim City 5 and they insist that you have to be hooked into the Internet to play it. On top of that, it crashes because they didn’t anticipate the server demand.    What part of a single player game, do they not get?  We play Sim City because we want to control the world, not share it.  That’s like giving someone a solitaire game and making it multiplayer only.

Last of Us debuts and it’s really good and frustrating and then Ellen Page gets all huffy because she thinks the main character is too much like her.  Maybe because she’s going to be in her own game called Beyond: Two Souls and doesn’t want there to be a conflict between the two when people buy it?  Who knows?    Then there’s Battlefield 4 and Devil May Cry and a slew of other idiocies that make you scratch your head.  Add in a bunch of broken consoles for PS4, the “Don’t install the GTA V disc while playing” for Xbox One, and the debate over DRM in the gaming this year and you rack up a lot of points in the win column for the gaming industry.

So who won? HOLLYWOOD!

This one is basically a tossup, but I’m going to go with Hollywood.   For all their faults, the video game industry is still heading in the right direction with things, but Hollywood has just become so out of touch with the audience that I don’t ever see them regaining their credibility.  After all, Justin Bieber had a movie open on Christmas called Believe.   That says all you need to know. 

Kickstart My Art

As an entrepreneur, and I guess I use that term way too much but it works for me, I’ve spent countless hours entertaining tens of people with content.   (That wasn’t a misprint, literally tens of people have enjoyed my work.)   But, as much as I’m in it for the joy of creating and sharing my work with others, I’m in it to make money, too.  This blog, my shirts, and videos are aimed at having fun with media and design but also serve to make money for the purpose of proving that I can make money doing these things.  Now, I have my 9-5 job and that’s fine.   It affords me to be able to indulge in these other ventures to the point where I don’t have to work hard at producing content and that has probably been a detriment to my profit margin.  I guess it depends on what your definition of success is.

But, as a shirt designer, blogger, and YouTuber, I’ve found that I’ve had to reinvest a substantial amount of my profits back into the business to try and expand.    Granted, it’s all spent on games and gadgets, but that’s not that point.   I’ve made it this far without having to rely on the kindness of strangers to just hand over money.   Yes, strangers do hand over money, but there is an immediate transaction of money for goods.   I’ve never just asked blindly for funds and there’s a couple of reasons why.

The Risk

I’m not a huge risk taker when it comes to the business side of M.A.M.S.  I’ve operated under the guise that if I cannot make a profit from what I am doing, I won’t do it.  That was the model I’ve followed for paying $50-$60 a year for a premium CafePress Shop, pretty much a necessity if you want to make any real money without social media traction of your own.  If and when I stop making a profit above that overhead, I will quit it.  There are other non-paying sites that can do just as much if not more in terms of products, but CafePress holds the majority of the marketplace among Print On Demand sites.

Even YouTube isn’t that risky of a proposition, even though I’ve made all of $2.00 from videos I’ve produced since January.   The reason being is that I am doing basically what I would do anyway, I’m just filming and producing it.   I’d still play the games.  I’d still need the hard drive space.  So, I’m not too worried about that.     Still, I would probably get more views and more traction if I spent more on my work, but I don’t have the capacity to do it that way.   This is one of the things I can’t stand about businesses, especially ones I’ve worked for in the past.   They see this all encompassing need to spread themselves into so many categories that they can’t manage their base.  Soon, quality across all platforms suffer because they are more concerned with profits and market share that they don’t see that for every new customer they gain for one shiny piece of crap, they lose three loyal ones who bought their goods when it was quality stuff.

The Results

Here’s the meat and potatoes of my post, Kickstarter.   Now, don’t get me wrong, I have friends that have used Kickstarter to fund their projects and I give them all the credit in the world.  Me, I just don’t see me spending effort and making promises I may not be able to keep in the long run.   With Kickstarter or other crowd funding platforms you ask for the money on the promise that if you get funded you can then give some sort of return on their investment.   Usually, it’s in the form of a copy of whatever you’re trying to get funded but sometimes you promise more for higher amounts of pledges.   Because I would simply be funding the promise of producing more of the same content with better infrastructure, I can only offer what I already do, now.  So, why would I try to entice people to give me money to do what I already do, now.   I would just be creating the sales, proactively.   Hey, that’s actually not a bad idea.   A Kickstarter project that simply aims to sell what you already sell, a “PRE-SALE” if you will.

The Negative

Still, Kickstarter is a great way to use social media to get the word out on your venture.  What I don’t like is how it’s become a tool for people who shouldn’t need to use it.  Case in point,  Zach Braff recently held a Kickstarter project to fund a film he was trying to make, called Wish I Was Here.  It’s not that I don’t like Zach Braff, I just don’t see the need for someone who is worth $22 million dollars to hijack a platform that is primarily for those without the funds themselves to produce a movie.  Yes, the budget is set around $6 million dollars, nearly a quarter of Braff’s net worth, but it’s not like Braff is an unknown filmmaker or actor.   And the cast has some talent in it.  Why not secure producers in your own backyard.  

Also, don’t get me started on Spike Lee using Kickstarter.   The director is trying to raise $1.25 million, of which he’s $700k into for a film.   The dude is worth $40 million.    I also can’t stand that he’s remaking Old Boy, but that’s another story.   George Lucas built an Empire with his own money.  He was smart.  Granted, he went back to the well one too many times and ruined it, but that’s beside the point.   Kevin Smith maxed out credit cards to make Clerks and that worked out fine.   I guess that’s the “Risk” thing I’m talking about.   However, using Kickstarter, you’re not risking your own money.  If it doesn’t get funded, it doesn’t get funded and all that money goes back to the people who have pledged.   If you’re unlucky, you may have a diva or two that will be pissed that they put other projects on hold, with the promise that your project would get funded, and then proceed to sue you for lost wages.   I’m sure that kind of insurance gets baked into the contract.

I just don’t think that celebrities should be using Kickstarter to fund things that upstart filmmakers and artists rely on to produce their work.   It’s trendy and hip to be a project, I get that, but you are making millions of dollars a year.  You’re neither hip nor trendy.  You’re rich.   You’re also diluting the waters of what was considered a great place for people to collaborate.    

It’s like when you find a great little restaurant or bar that no one goes to.   You walk in and own the place.  After awhile, your drinks and appetizers are already ordered before you sit down.  We had a place like this in college.   It was quiet and laid back with no hint of jocks or drunken frat asshats.  Then word got out and the place got noticed.  Granted, due to various infractions by other establishments that forced them to close, our quiet little tavern became the only port in the storm on campus.  I went back about ten years after college and the place reeked of cheap beer and Axe cologne.   Christmas lights and lattice work destroyed the ornate mahogany walls and there were crappy bands and DJs spinning Jock Jams 13.   It was a mess.   It was ruined.  That’s what Kickstarter will become.     It will be the house in Beetlejuice that gets renovated after the Maitland’s have died and the Deetzes have moved into it.

So, while I applaud my friends that have used Kickstarter to their credit, I hate to think how it will look in three to five years when Justin Bieber starts a project to fund his new tour, Douchebag 2016.