2013 D-Bag Awards Round One: Thanksgiving Sale vs. Black Friday

Second heat in the race to ultimate douchebaggery!

Thanksgiving Sales vs. Black Friday

Retail nuttiness is afoot.  On the one hand we have the constant threat of encroachment on the family.  Thanksgiving shopping is almost as bad a word as Holiday when it comes to the fundamental nutters who think the decay of civilization begins and ends with the destruction of the family unit.   Stores that choose to open on Thanksgiving are blasphemous in their capitalist quest to get all your monies.  How dare they!  “We should be home with our family, not pumping money into the coffers of their evilness.”   Meanwhile, they shop online, play games and bitch about it all on social media.  What they don’t realize is that some people have no families and don’t mind working on Thanksgiving.  Not to mention, all of those other things they do mean that support staff probably need to be on hand to keep technology running smoothly, instead of being at home arguing with their dysfunctional families over why they haven’t settled down with the right member of the opposite sex. 

On the other hand is the continued myth that the best shopping deals are on Black Friday.   In the past, I’ve found that the prices vary on certain items.  In fact, I used to get emails about Black Friday deals and would compare the prices set for that day vs. the current price.  What I found was that in a lot of instances, the prices were better before and it was for newer models of the equipment being touted as a deal.   Black Friday is way for stores to clear out all of their old inventory from the past year or two.  Do you really think a store would make a crap ton of money on the latest and greatest items at a reduced amount?  No.  That LCD HD set that’s on sale… usually it’s last year’s model.   The manufacturer’s website doesn’t even show it anymore, I bet.  That Blu-Ray player?  You can find a better quality model at the same price three weeks before Black Friday.   Let’s also not forget how stupid people get when they have the stores ramping up the stakes.  “The economy is bad, the sales are good.  You need to save money because the government keeps taking it!  Come down to our showroom, punch another human being out and SAVE! SAVE!  SAVE!” 

Winner – Black Friday!

Shopping on Thanksgiving is bad.  I’ll concede to that, but who cares?   If a retail outlet chooses to be open, so be it.  Plenty of services have to be open.   Nobody bitched when I had to work a family buffet at a hotel on Thanksgiving three years in a row.  Where was the outrage?  Stay at home and cook you lazy bastards!  This is a stupid tactic by people that have nothing better to do than bitch about everything.   Thanksgiving is not a religious holiday, nor is it even a proud holiday at that.  You want to talk about illegal immigrants taking everything from those that belong in the country?  

“Families should be home on Thanksgiving, not in a store making money for the man" is not a good excuse.  Meanwhile, you’ve been watching football all day long while the NFL rakes in money.  Hypocrite much?   

As for the winner, it’s a tad ridiculous and even though there have been less than five deaths each year due to Black Friday, the idiocy that goes on is not worth the savings.  You’re being mind raped by the retail world.  Open your eyes.

The War On Thanksgiving

This has been heating up on social media and it’s beginning to piss me off.   I get it.  We shouldn’t be shopping on Thanksgiving.  We should be staying home with our families instead giving into the corporate machinations that drive greed and force retail workers to be on hand during the holidays instead of at home with their families who are probably hateful, drunk, and dysfunctional anyway.

The problem is that it’s not a perfect boycott.   Here’s why.

• Gas station attendants have to be on hand for you when you decide to pack up the family and go to grandma’s.
• Toll booth workers have to be on hand to collect on the turnpikes and expressways
• Hotels have to be staffed for you when you have to stay at the Comfort Inn because grandma has fifteen cats and you’re allergic.
• IT Analysts and System Admins have to be on hand for when Amazon or eBay breaks down because everyone who says, “I WON’T SHOP IN TARGET ON THANKSGIVING!” decides they will buck the trend by point and clicking their way through shopping instead of courting the brick and mortar versions of their favorite retailers.
• I could go on.

Look, I spent three years working on New Year’s Eve, Easter, Mother’s Day, and Thanksgiving in a hotel where the biggest problem was I had to cater to other peoples’ families instead of sharing in the holiday with my own.  It sucks, but it’s life.   Declaring with a graphic and a like that you won’t shop on Thanksgiving while doing other things that require support staff to handle your other activities is just hypocritical.  How about stay off social media on Thanksgiving.  Some poor IT person at Zynga or King or Facebook  has to be on hand because you’d rather stay home and play Candy Crush or Famville instead of shopping at Walmart.   And… some intern at Twitter has be on hand when you tell the world, “Gassing up at BP and turnpiking it with my fam instead of shopping at Target.  Suck it Wall St!”

You know, some people have no family.  Some people don't want to be around their family on the holidays, so working that day at time and a half pay might be something they enjoy or at least look forward to.  And you're robbing them of that because YOU feel YOUR AGENDA is the way it should be.  

Do I think stores should be open on Thanksgiving? No.  Black Friday?  Definitely, NO!  But it's not my problem.  It's not my place.  If people want to be assholes and corporations want to be greedy.  That's their business.  It's the framing of the argument that I take such issue with in this case.   Where do we get off high horsing our views and being placated because of it?  What entitlement crap gives us anymore say in this matter.  Vote with your dollar and don't shop.  But don't shame others into believing they're horrible because they do.  You're just as bad at other things that require support staff so don't act all high and mighty feeling that your own beliefs are solid and infallible.  Mind your own business. 

Oh, and don't read this on Thanksgiving.  Got it?

Get In, Get Out, Get Robbed

I hate using cash.  I absolutely hate using physical bills to pay for goods and services.  Why?

CLEANLINESS

I’ve worked in retail, entertainment, and food industry jobs where cash was usually the only option for paying.   A microscopic look at the bills put into your hands by customers would make the monsters from Pacific Rim look about as threatening as the Care Bear Cousins.

SPACE

My wallet is akin to something George Costanza would carry.  I stopped putting my wallet into my back pocket years ago to keep the scoliosis at bay.  Also, my card sits right next to my “loyalty” card for whatever store I’m patronizing.   I don’t need to flip through the various folds of my wallet looking for bills to cover the cost.  Not to mention the change you get back having to be organized on your person.  Coins go in a pocket… small bills go in a pocket… large bills in your wallet.  

SPEED OF SERVICE

You have to find the bills.  You have to count the bills.  You have hand over the bills.  They have to count the bills.  They have store the bills.  They have to count out your change.  You have to organize the change.  (see SPACE)

ACCOUNTABILITY

After working where I’ve worked and patronizing where I’ve patronized, using cash leads to errors.   It can either be unintentional or purposely erred on either side of the counter.   When you use a credit or debit card you are creating a paper or electronic trail.  You can physically see the transaction from your institution to the vendor.  If there is an error, it can be seen and dealt with at the POS, or if anything else, you are protected (Well, you should be), by the financial institution transferring the money.    It can take awhile or be an inconvenience to deal with, but so is losing money and/or identity theft.

So, I told you all that to tell you this.   My 74 year old father-in-law uses cash about 80% of the time he pays for anything.  The exceptions are utility bills, credit card bills, and taxes.   Whenever I happen to be out with him, and he needs to get gas in his car, I usually do the pumping and paying.  Yesterday, we stopped at the GetGo in North Huntington, PA.   I pumped the gas and the total came up $54.00.   He handed me the fifty.   Then he handed my four singles.  I placed all of the cash in my left hand and  folded it up.

I walked to the store about 8:05PM, and as I approached the counter, a lady in a green shirt, carrying some groceries approached the same space from a blind aisle.

We sort of did this weird standoff thing where neither one of us moved.   Usually, I would have let her go, even if I was the next person in line.   It just so happened that we had dropped my wife, who was feeling under the weather, off at the store to get some cold medicine and with the rains yesterday, I didn’t want her waiting outside at the store for us to come back and pick her up.     So, I jumped in and handed my cash to the cashier, thinking this would be a quick transaction.   I was trying to practice some Utilitarianism or Vulcanism by fulfilling the needs of the many vs. the needs of the few… or the one.

As I waited for confirmation from the cashier, I turned my attention away from the counter and other people.   Let’s just say it.  I did a quick scan of my Powerball ticket from Saturday.   At that point, the cashier repeated the purchas price and I confirmed. She then said, “You only have $4.00 here.”

I stopped.  I looked in my hands.  I looked around.   I looked back at the counter.  I had five bills in my hands.  I know I did.   Knowing that I was now impacting more peoples’ times, I grabbed the four dollars off the counter and explained that I would be right back.  I needed to tell my father-in-law to go pick up my wife and that I would deal with this.

He left and I retraced my footsteps back to the store.   He would have seen my path to the door from his vantage point.   What the hell just happened.   I expressed that I had no way of not having $54.00 in bills in my hand but that I would deal with this separately, and paid for the gas with my card.   I then went on my way of walking from the GetGo to meet my father-in-law at the front entrance of the Giant Eagle in rain.  He had already picked up my wife and I got in to the jeers of “You are truly an idiot with money” from my wife and my father-in-law saying, “’I’ll pay you back.”   I think at some point, I may have used some unflattering words about the situation.  Karma will find me for that I’m sure.

I called Customer Care when I got home and they put in a request to view the tapes.

Today, I received a call from them and they went through the video while I was in the store.  You can see the following.

• I approach.
• The other lady approaches.
• I put money on the counter.
• I turn my attention away for a brief period.
• The lady in the green shirt bends over, out of view.
• The cashier counts my money, twice, expresses confusion.
• I take the remaining bills and leave the store.
• The lady in green completes her purchases and leaves.
• I return and talk some more.
• I then pay with my card and talk with the cashier.
• I leave.

The fifty dollar bill never made it to the counter.  Somewhere between me lifting my arm to place it on the counter and the money actually laying on the counter it disappears.

So, what happened.

I know what I think happened and I know what I would like to believe happened, but truthfully, it is not something I could prove*… So, as my wife, wonderfully pointed out, I am an idiot.   It’s true.  There are plenty of instances where this kind of thing is clearly demonstrated with me and pockets and receipts and cash.  She found a $100 in our driveway once and was overjoyed until she realized it was the one I dropped.

So, in the end, I applaud Giant Eagle/GetGo for their process of responding to and reviewing this incident.   I am also glad that I did not accuse the cashier and that through review of the tape, a little bit of my faith in the youth of America has been restored in that she did not take my father-in-law’s cash. I accept that I am an idiot that not only did not win the Powerball on Saturday, but am now out an additional $50.00 because I had to check my non-winning ticket.   What I do not accept is that someone could have stolen that fifty for whatever reason.  

Speculation breeds conspiracy theories.  They were pissed that I cut them off because they had two handfuls of stuff to buy.   They were a low life that planned to go buy drugs or alcohol with the ill gotten gains.   They bought an extra pack of donuts with the fifty.  Like I said, I made some disparaging comments about them after it happened.  This is my karmic retribution.   I can only hope that they truly needed it more than myself.   I am willing to be out fifty dollars if it helps someone get by another day in their own worse situation than myself.

But, I hope that fifty somehow made its way from a hooker and is now giving someone else syphilis.  The kind that looks and acts like those things from Pacific Rim.  Then again, my hand has been itching since yesterday.

This is why I never use cash and use lots of soap.

*Seriously, if you are the person who took that fifty off the floor, I sincerely hope you needed it.  I have documented time and time again how I try to do the right thing.  I have put my time and satisfaction second when it comes to those less fortunate or the elderly in a lot of occasions, usually to the amusement of my readers.   If your situation is dire and that fifty was a miracle to you, then I accept that and will kindly say, "You're welcome. I hope you can pay it forward."

If you took it because you are just a horrible person, then fine.  Live with that. I will.   Just know that you were seen on the tape and if you used your Advantage Card, that was also seen by the cashier and their system.   You aren't smart enough to beat the system of record in this century.  You got away with a small victory, but the loss prevention department is reviewing all of this and I hope it was worth it.  Bravo to you.

2011 D-Bag Awards: Business

If I could name them all and fit them on the ballet, I would. Simply put, they make up the 99% of the d-bags in this world, but alas I had to narrow it down to four. Here we go…


NetFlix – You’ve cornered the market on mail order DVD and streaming, now go screw it up.
NetFlix pretty much had all the cards. They brought down the biggest name in video stores, Blockbuster, they introduced online streaming of movies and were poised to own the market on video delivery services. What could possibly go wrong?

Well… in July the raised their prices in an attempt to separate the physical DVD business from the streaming one. Then in September they went one step further and decided to split off the DVD rental service into a new brand called Qwikster. They found out the Twitter handle, Qwikster, was already taken. The bad part was that the kid using Qwikster on Twitter was a bit of a weed smoker. Maybe they could have cut him a deal on Cheech and Chong films. Ultimately, they dropped the Qwikster idea and went back to being good ole NetFlix. Alas, the damage was done. Subscribers left, stocks dropped and the once shining company that lorded over the DVD rental service found themselves to be seen for what they were, greedy d-bags.
Bank of America – Working hard for your money.
BoA should just understand that they’re screwed. They are what’s wrong with the economy and the notion that capitalism will win out in the end. Every year they find themselves on “worst company” lists and 2011 was no exception.

2011 kicked off with indictments over wire fraud and antitrust conspiracies. Then they decided to start laying off people despite earning $6.2 billion in profits in the third quarter. But the biggest feather in their d-bag hat was the $5.00 ATM fee for Debit Card transactions which sparked outrage and led to people ‘breaking up’ with Bank of America on Bank Transfer Day. Their only defense, “We have a right to make a profit.” Fine, then we have a right to vote with our wallet.

Paypal – We Regretsy to inform you you’re doing it wrong.
Regretsy tried to do something nice. They tried to get donations to help children out this year at Christmas. For that, PayPal decided to do something douchey and tell Regretsy that they used to the wrong button for charitable donations. First they tacked on fees to the donations, then they informed Regretsy they had to refund the money to those who donated… oh wait, minus the fees that were affixed by PayPal. Then they wouldn’t release the funds and froze Helen Killer’s account, including her revenue for her book. Finally, they backed off and released the funds and apologized. Too little too late.

I am also feeling the loathe for PayPal when they recently forced one of the Print on Demand websites I use to start using a different form of payment to me which attaches fees of 2.9% plus $0.30 on payments to me. While no other PoD publisher has been affected it looks as if PayPal is going after the little guy on this one, and I don’t just mean me, I mean the PoD site.

The Retail Industry – It’s Black Friday Somewhere.
Every year the Christmas Creep begins in earnest a little earlier. Consumerist has scores of articles, with proof submitted by readers, of stores advertising holiday sales and products WAY before it’s even time to think about such things. However, this year, this shit just got real.

Thanksgiving is usually the last day before the holiday season really kicks into high gear. But stores thought it would be better to start their sales on Thanksgiving and even in the late hours of the night before. The unfortunate part was that in order to have a sale, you need a staff, and to get a staff you have to rain on somebody’s holiday.

And for all the trouble, the retail industry had record sales this year, along with a few incidences of violence among shoppers.

Listen up, retail industry, you cannot fix the economy just by offering your overly priced, slightly discounted made in China crap a day early. Americans wait until the last possible minute anyway. This shit with Black Friday has got to stop. Nobody wants to go out and get assaulted while picking up a $50 SONEE Blu-Ray Player that only plays discs in the Pacific Rim. So, stop it. Either make it safer or give up the ghost. No one gets hurt when people flood Amazon.com so much with orders that the site crashes. No innocent workers get trampled to death. Nobody has to stand out in the cold with a leftover turkey sandwich waiting for Best Buy to open to get a rain check for an iPad2.

The smartest thing this year was online retailers extending free shipping or shipping in general this year. There’s your new model for success. Deal with it d-bags.


OK, after that bit of cleansing, I’m ready to present this round’s winner… and it is:

Why them?

Because they grinched Christmas from kids in the quest for the almighty 2.9% plus $0.30.  This isn't just because I got burned.  Yes, BoA screwed a lot more people, but do we expect them to do any less?  NetFlix did an about face quickly when they realized their mistake and frankly, the Retail industry is a loss cause but PayPal went above and beyond douchebaggery in order to screw over someone trying to do something good.  And they did it all because of a wrong button?   Eff you. d-bags.  I'm moving to physical checks for my payments.

North Face Sues South Butt While World Giggles Uncontrollably

I considered the title to this as Corporate Legal Department thinks they Got a Match? Our Face and Your Butt. 

I’m posting this in the regular blog as well as the shop just because this whole premise is funny to me, but then again so are jokes about flatulence. Here’s the back story.  16 year old Jimmy Winkelmann from Missouri founded a parody company called The South Butt. The premise is a parody of overly priced, pretentious outfitter, The North Face. Personally, I find it hilarious since you are comparing anatomy and I love their tagline, “Never Stop Relaxing"  which spoofs The North Face's "Never Stop Exploring."   The logo design for North Face has three curved lines like a mountain while The South Butt has two curved lines in an opposite direction and opposite side of the logo.

Logo for The North Face and South Butt
along with picture of Winkelmann

Here lies the problem. The North Face is suing this young upstart entrepreneur, who is now in college, over a pending trademark application. I guess they saw a possible confusion between their Face and his Butt mark.  Winkelmann countered the cease and desist demand by North Face by offering to sell out for a million dollars. North Face declined and then outright sued.

So, they went to court and the judge, between fist of laughter, told the two stop butting heads and work out their problems through mediation. Things didn’t go well and The North Face asked for an injunction if no settlement could be reached. That won’t be seen until April of 2010.

Here’s where I applaud the young man. He had an idea, he made it happen and now he’s being punished for it. He even shamed…or pwned The North Face by donating clothes to a Children’s Hospital and simply asked The North Face to match it. They expressed no interest. Now that’s business. That will go far in the court of public opinion.

The quibble over saving face…or butt is not for me to decide. Frankly, I think North Face is a bit of a snob and regardless of Gore-Tex or HyVent in their products, their prices are ridiculous and their brand is usually for people who go to ski resorts to wear the trendy clothing and not actually do any skiing. Aspen pretentiousness is all I’m saying.

As a shopkeeper with a penchant for parody, I throw my total support behind the little guy here considering the playing field for market share is clearly in TFN’s favor. I love the idea of totally going after an entity that is owned by a bigger conglomerate and tries to pass itself off as being rooted in its supposed product line and lifestyle. It’s Vanity Fair for crissakes!

This is simply The North Face beating its chest so that it doesn’t become the butt of someone else’s joke. Too late, I say. While I do admit that some of the tactics are a bit juvenile and won’t score him points in a favorable ruling. However, they are totally playing into the humor by saying things like “There could be brand confusion.” Of course, an 18 year old, now armed with the basics of copyright and trademark law can now humorously craft a response like “There appears to be little recognition, if any, that the savvy of consumers precludes anyone from confusing a face with a butt.”

At the heart of the matter, Jimmy wanted to pay for college and got some startup money from his parents to match his capital. Now, he’s producing a clothing line that is smacking the ass of corporate business just a little too much. My only suggestion to him is too maybe relax the parody a bit and become more of a niche business. Parody works for a reason and if you dip into that well too many times you run the risk of becoming a one joke comedian. If you want to thrive in a business that spoofs you need to develop your own model that nods to another. The more you poke the big lion in the cage with a stick, the more you risk pulling back a bloody stump. TFN probably has more legal defenses than Jimmy can afford and no amount of public support will trump that.

Still, I’d love to see him win this one, just on principle alone.