Stranger Things Shirts (Fan Merch/Replicas)

There is no denying that Stranger Things delivers in terms of pop culture nostalgia for every Gen X’er who has ever spent a weekend staying up late, consuming huge amounts of junk food to fuel an hours long campaign in DnD, going to the mall unaccompanied, or just generally hanging out with their small circle of friends while never checking in with parents once except to get a change of clothes, shower, a hot meal, or an advance on their allowance to go and try to beat that high score on Dig Dug at the arcade.

The 80s were a different time of being out of pocket. We didn’t have cell phones or social media or any other ways to get a hold of us except for yelling out the back door, down the street, or calling our friends’ land line phones to tell their parents to send us home. But we usually came home, eventually, and without incident. It’s probably a good thing those ways of contacting us or documenting our childhood adventures hadn’t been invented yet or we would have been grounded until graduation.

Stranger Things takes everything we experienced or felt in the 80s and encapsulates it into an 8-10 hour horror/sci-fi marathon, complete with all the sights, sounds, and bad fashion choices we yearn to have again secretly during our mid-life crises.

And speaking of fashions… It also produces a ton of merch, either fan inspired or replica of what you see in the show, every year. From the subtle to overtly in your face, here are a bunch that you can find over at TeePublic from each season.


Season 1

Hawkins Radio Club



Strange Number 11 by djkopet



Hawkins Middle School A.V. Club by redbaron_ict










Season 2

Palace Arcade





Bitchin’ by Vincent Trinidad Art






Season 3
Hawkins Pool Life Guard





Operation: Child Endangerment By BoggsNicolas





Dustin’s Roast Beef Shirt by Polomaker






Season 4
Murray-Do Karate




Rink-O-Mania






Dustin’s Thinking Shirt by BiggsNicolas






And of course, how could we not sneak this one in…
Hellfire Club replica design

De-Revolution

It was a simple concept for a show.  What if it all went away:  Internet, television, radio, central air, electricity?   What if something happened and all society returned to the age before Tesla and Edison?  What if societal breakdown led to the United States being splintered into militias, no more centralized Government, no more regulation?  If you want something in this life, you take by force or other means.   Pretty interesting premise for a show, right?  The world goes away and we are left to watch it feast upon itself. 

That was Revolution, the latest in a long line of shows trying to take the place of the vacancy left by LOST years ago.   When appointment TV shows like LOST end its run, everyone tried to capitalize on some kind of event that led to isolation or reversal in social norms.  Shows like The Event and Flash Forward couldn’t replicate the logic bending appeal involved in a simple premise.     The Walking Dead survived and thrived, but it already had a built up fan base in its comic book (Graphic Novel if you prefer) run.   

Another show attempted to do what Revolution suggests, Jericho.   Though a different catalyst than Revolution, Jericho, like its 80s Cold War telefilm counterpart, The Day After, focuses on a nuclear missile attack.  It had a cult following and was revived before being finally cancelled after its second season. 

But Revolution should have been simple.   Turn out the lights.   Cause panic.   Destroy society.   Establish your heroes and villains.  Introduce your arcs, whether they be, “Why did the lights go out?”, “Who turned them out?”, and “How do we turn them back on?” and go with it.  But within the first few episodes, Revolution went for broke.  The power isn’t gone.  It’s just being suppressed.  Then, to make it worse, it’s being suppressed by cancer fighting nanotechnology that the government leveraged to fight terrorism on the other side of the globe. 

The series boasted some great ideas.  Billy Burke as a Han Solo-esque antihero, complete with a saber to take on militia baddies.  What is the nature of patriotism?  How ingrained is technology into our world and how do we react when it gets taken away?  OK, well, that last one sort of got skipped because the pilot skips fifteen years ahead.   Still, the nature of the LOST style of flashback lends itself to being able to bake in that concept into the series mythology as time moves forward.  Except, it never does move forward, it just stays still like the hands on an electric clock. 

Revolution either blew its wad or jumped the shark within the first few episodes and that’s where it struggled to keep my initial attention.  One of The Walking Dead’s major unanswered questions is what caused the virus that has infected the populous.  We just know that everyone is infected, everyone who dies with their brain intact will reanimate.  Whether or not the eventually come to explain the event is up in the air and that’s what keeps the show going.  The zombies are a part of the life, now, but humans are the real monsters.  We see how everyone deals with post-apocalyptic life.  They start a community and shutter the outside world.  They forage.  They mobilize and militarize.   But the problems that exist in a pre-apocalypse world don’t go away.  They just localize and intensify.  Revolution should have focused on that instead of whiz-bang gadgetry and lofty mathematical equations come Oppenheimer weapons of mass destruction.  Deal with a world that is tech addicted. Deal with civilization crumbling without its infrastructure.  Deal with the struggle between the bad guys that have taken over in the absence and the good guys who want to restore the world.  And, while you’re at it, deal with the struggle between wanting to restore the power and knowing how we dealt when it was removed.  That was hinted at, but never really explored in its entirety.

Granted, maybe comparing Walking Dead to Revolution is an apples to oranges argument and I’m favoring one over the other but I learned to accept Revolution and come back to watching it.  But the endgame of the series and its Nano-can’t-decide- if-it’s-the-machine-of-The-Matrix-or-I, Robot personality just went a little sideways. 

How would I have fixed it?

Drop the nano but keep the philosophy. 

If you are going to start 15 years after the blackout, introduce something that sparks the debate on whether or not the blackout was an act of terrorism or government screw up.  Maybe delve into an inside plot to disrupt the government and return it to the people.   Don’t turn the power back on during the first season.  Hint at it.  Theorize its possibility.  Just don’t even go there until you get to the last moments of the first season and have something small lead you into a cliffhanger.  Second Season, you have the possibility and the threat of electricity on the table and the struggle to take control like Monroe did to establish military supremacy.  Also, delve into the decision of whether or not it would be better to just go without it.  Are we better off with it back?   Are we just going to make the same mistakes all over again with it back?    Beyond evolve the backstory.  Keep the math, but not the science fiction.  If you’re not going to use nanotechnology, have some device in a mountain somewhere that is suppressing electricity.  Or, have the scientists start from scratch and reinvent the light bulb.    Makes you wonder if static electricity was also suppressed by the nano?  What about Faraday coils?   

Adopt a steampunk/Fallout motif somewhere.

Don’t get me wrong.  The one pure stroke of genius this show had, which brought me back was having Brett Michaels play himself.  The acoustic hillbilly rock soundtrack was a nice touch, but why not expand on it?   This is a brave new world.  You have so many survivalists in the real world, why not introduce that into the mix?  Remember LOST’s John Locke?  People who role play, LARP, do reenactments of battles, invent things from junk could be factions, or at least serve as humor.  We have are reduced to simple weaponry and tactics.  They nailed that, but with the nano in play, they handcuff themselves to not moving in other directions.

Keep people on one side. 
The constant flip flopping of allegiances and morality just annoys us.  Yes, there can be qualms, gray area, justifiable acts, but even Game of Thrones doesn’t have this many changes in colors.   The characters don’t change their values, the situations dictate their approach.  As much as I love Giancarlo Esposito, I just can’t figure out what the hell is motivation is.

Maaah Guuuuuuuy Verrrrrrrr The Sequel

My disdain for remakes and updates are pretty well known here.  I cannot stand how Hollywood decides to just throw away any attempt at original thought and just reboot something that was popular once.   Case in point, Michael Bay and… well, Michael Bay.   It’s like someone is holding a doll with the head of Jason Voorhees, the razor gloved hand of Freddy Krueger, the other hand holding Leather Face’s chainsaw, the shell of a ninja turtle, and the legs of Optimus Prime.  Then the therapist asks me where on the doll did Michael Bay inappropriately touch my childhood.

However, looking at the small screen, I could see a reason to update one of my favorite shows.  Actually, it was all because of this 10 minute long advert for a Mercedes-Benz Citan.

MacGyver and the New Mercedes-Benz Citan

Yes, that’s Richard Dean Anderson, aka MacGyver.  He’s strapped on the Swiss Army Knife one more time in an advert for a handyman vehicle from Mercedes-Benz.  And who else could play the ultimate handyman but Mac?

OK, the production value is pretty much on par with a movie on SyFy starring half the cast from Stargate SG-1 and half from the guest stars list of Supernatural, but the spirit is still there.   The mullet is missing but the wit and style that made MacGyver the biological father of Burn Notice is there.   There’s even Mac’s voice over narration which, to be honest, shows signs of RDAs 63 years.   

I’ll admit, it’s sad to see your heroes get older.  Your father is mortal, Han Solo is now a septuagenarian, and MacGyver, while still able to deactivate a murderous robot and thwart knock out gas with a garbage bag, probably can’t find the TV remote or grasp the concept of a DVR these days.  But, how cool would it be to see Mac back at the Phoenix foundation, taking on bad guys with really bad wigs, accents, and aim… and that’s just his arch nemesis Murdoc.  It could work. 

Hollywood would need to check their egos at the door, though.  They tried to pull a James Bond Jr. with Jared Padalecki playing Young MacGyver, Mac’s nephew, in 2003.   It was a pilot which, thankfully, never got picked up.    They just don’t get it, do they?

But in my world, the one where Jar Jar Binks never existed, Indiana Jones is still riding out of the desert with his father, and Optimus Prime and G.I. Joe were only ever in the theater as cartoons, Macgyver in 201X could exist.  RDA would have to be back on board and in the field, even though he is in his 60s.     Yes, he’d be older than Dana Elcar was at the beginning of his run as Pete Thornton, but RDA could still do it, if he can get into serious shape.  I don’t know about bringing on a child element in that the kid would be barely out of high school.    The doomed continuation starred Jarred Padalecki as his nephew.    However, a younger, more hot headed agent might have a good foil in the pacifist Mac showing them to use their brains instead of a gun.

Of course, the problem these days is the climate for such topics.   Towards the end of MacGyver’s run the episodes began to take on an “Environmental Cause Of the Week” feel, having Mac try and save the world from ourselves instead of Latin American dictators or crazed megalomaniacs with daddy issues.   How do you reintroduce a hero that hates guns and abhors unnecessary violence in the post 9/11, gun control debate American landscape?   And how does he take on international issues where there is much more scrutiny and the world is under a 24/7 news media cycle microscope?   Can that much suspension of disbelief exist?

The easy part is the MacGyverisms.  Those are universal, though I would suggest hiring the guys from Mythbusters to test out the tricks to see if they can work.   Today’s audience is much smarter than it was 20 years ago, before Google existed.

Still, a show on USA or TBS could work given the right ingredients, maybe some duct tape, a paper clip, and a Swiss Army Knife.  No mullet Required.

Two Phone Lines to Take Care of One Cable Bill

Back in January, Comcast was nice enough to fry my DVR with their updates.  Then, they sent the tech out to the wrong house, leaving me without cable for a week.  That wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have a five year old that can’t understand the concept of “Shit happens in services”.

And the wonderful guy on the phone assured me they would credit my account for the loss of service.   So, each month I waited to see my bill reflect said savings.

This month, I saw a change to the usual $178 for Regular cable plus three Encore channels with LOTR on 24/7, Internet that sometimes works, and phone.    There was a $30 difference.   Except, it was in the wrong direction.

My new bill reflects improvements and expansions to the services I have, to the tune of $10 a month, with tons of extra movies OnDemand.  None of which anyone wants to watch.   Oh, look Beauty and the Beast…  Yeah, it’s a knock off cartoon that’s like 45 minutes.  Same with Aladdin, and The Little Mermaid.     And they’ve added $1.99 for each of the little crap boxes we were forced to use if we wanted to watch TV after everything went digital.    So, now my bill is $210.

So, I spent an hour on the phone with Customer service.    And I couldn’t even get them to reduce my bill.  That was just to explain my bill.  You see, in their Xfinite wisdom, Comcast decided that it would be better to have one line handle bill questions and one…. Totally different 800 number to reduce your bill.   Lein… yes that was his name… and he was American from what I could tell, told me that “With all the calls they received, they had to use a separate number.”    In other words, all of the angry customers that can’t stand this ComCrap they get for a ton of money,.

Look, I know NBC sucks.  Hell, even the guy they screwed everybody over for to keep on The Tonight Show hates them, now.  He can’t wait to be replaced.   But, does that really mean we all have to pay more for your crap?   I wish I could go to FIOS, even if it sucks just as much, if just to bargain for a lower bill… but guess what?   My borough or township won’t get it in anytime soon.   I wish I could go to something like DirectTv, once again it may be crap, too, but guess what?  I can’t put a dish on my house because of line of sight.     So, I can’t even choose which crap I want to watch, I am stuck with one version of crap. 

But when you have to have a separate phone line just for people who are fed up with the costs, what does that tell you?   It tells you, your business sucks and you are just making money hand over fist so, why should you change it?  Exactly.  If I could have a business and charge people an exorbitant amount of money for basic stuff and raise it continually over the years without really having to give them anything better than they already have and no one would leave because of the lack of choices,  it might be tempting.   Then again, I don’t have a business degree which tells me all I need to know about people in big business.   Satisfy the shareholders, screw the customers,  and dine on the souls of innocent children and lambs with gold plated utensils with a fat profit.  

Well, done.

The Losin' End of an Xfinity Support Case

It happened again. I had the lovely experience of dealing with a Comcast support person as my digital cable box derped...

Here we go...

Analyst Mandino has entered room (ooh, boy.)

Mandino: Hello Mongo, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Mandino. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Mongo: My Issue: letters dl appear with a rotating line next to it. Unplugged and plugged back in, error code E609 then FR hunt then it returned to the letters dl and the rotating line. Only snow on television.

Mandino: Thank you for bringing this concern to us. I will be more than happy to assist you with this today.

Mandino:  I can’t imagine myself having those equipment issues especially that cable TV is part of my daily routine, no worries, we’ll definitely work on a sure fix to resolve this one way or the other. (wow.. that was really generic and empathetic.  This guy is a bot or is pulling canned text from a command prompt.)

analyst Mandino has left room

Mandino:  That usually occurs when your service is still loading, initializing or dowloading.

Mandino:  We need you to please powercycle your box now Mongo, like unplugging it and plug it back in again after 1 minute. Would that be okay?  (why not just say, unplug it and plug it back in...  Powercycle?!?!)

Mongo: Sure

Mongo: It has been downloading since 7am EST.  (This was in response to his explanation of what the "dl" meant.)

Mandino: : Oh I see.

Mandino:  TI\  (crap, he's a terminator.)

Mandino:  Thank you for that information (oh... so, TI\ is probably some sort of chat autotext command... maybe /TI or TI/  was what he meant to write.  He's not a bot... but he may not be American.)

Mandino:  Lets just do first the power cycle Mongo and lets see if it resolves your concern today?

Mongo: yes. System is now unplugged... waiting 1 minute

Mongo: Plugging back in.

Mandino:  Thank you for cooperating.  (what am I going to do?  Resist?)

Mongo: E609

Mongo: FR 1

Mongo: Hunt

Mongo: DL and circling line

Mandino:  Same message?

Mongo: yes

Mandino:  Have you chacked it back already?

Mandino:  *checked

Mandino: : Oh I see.

Mandino: Thank you for that information. One moment please  (same exact wording as before... must be a quick text command)

Mandino:  Have you plugged it out from the outlet Mongo? (????)

Mongo: yes, unplugged from the wall.  (TIFTFY)

Mongo: It's connected to a power strip which runs to the outlet.. That was what I unplugged, at the wall outlet.

Mandino:  PLease give me a moment Mongo.

Mandino:   I will be more than happy to assist you with this. Just give me atleast 3-5 minutes as I review this concern first. Would that be okay?

Mongo: sure

analyst Mandino has left room (what ROOM?!?!?  Am I on a 90s chat site?)

Mandino: Thank you for patiently waiting Mongo.

Mandino:  After doing some research, In order to resolve this issue, I need to send a signal to your cable box. Please provide me the serial number of that box please. It is found at the top or at the back of it.

Mongo: one second (this lasted ten minutes, because I'm an idiot, my entertainment center is up against the wall, with everything shoved into it... and all of my decorations for Christmas were still up, most of which were plugged in and sitting on top of the entertainment center.)

Mandino:  Just approach me once you are done Mongo. You may take your time and I'll be more than patient to wait for you.  (read:  COME AT ME BRO)

Mongo: thank you

Mongo: There are two stickers on the back. One with just numbers. One with numbers and five X's in the middle.

Mandino:  The one with the X's in the middle please.

Mongo: (hidden number)

Mandino:  Oh Im sorry Mongo, Thats not the one. Im sorry

Mandino:  It should start with "M" or "P"

Mongo: shall I give you the other

Mandino:  regardless if theres an X or none.

Mongo: the other sticker said

Mandino: Yes please. Make sure it starts with "M" or "P"

Mongo: (number hidden)

Mongo: I need to check for the letters

Mandino:  IM sorry but thats not the correct one.

Mandino:  Please make sure it starts with "M" or "P".

Mongo: ok... third sticker

Mongo: (number hidden)

Mandino:  Great!

Mandino:  Thats correct now

Mandino:  Thank you for that information. One moment please

Mongo: good, because I'm out of stickers

Mandino:  hehe. (LOL)

Mandino:  Please give me 1-3 minutes as I will now send the refresh signal to your box.

Mandino:  PLease turn your box on now Mongo.

Mongo: Power button seems to have no effect. still showing the dl

Mongo: so, I'm guessing that it is on?

Mandino:  One moment Mongo.

Mandino: May I know when did this box activated?

Mongo: what year did I receive it, in other words?

Mongo: 2004

Mandino:  Oh I see.

Mandino: Thank you for going through all the troubleshooting steps with me Mongo. At this point, we have determined that the best resolution is for us to send a technician. As promised, I am here to make sure to get you the best resolution for that issue on this chat. I will take care of setting up the appointment for you right now.

Mongo: OK. My wife would have to be the person here when they come, but she is not sure what her schedule is. Monday is a holiday so that is probably a no go.

Mongo: Anytime after 4

Mongo: 4:30 is a good bet.

Mandino:  OKay Mongo. Let me check

Mandino:  Great!

Mandino:  Thank you for that information. One moment please

Mandino:   I will personally take care of this for you but before anything else just for security purposes, may I first have the last 4 of your SSN please.

Mongo: ****

Mandino:  Great!

Mandino:  Thank you.

Mandino:  Before we proceed, I need first to provide you your ticket number for this appointment. Please take note of this. It will be (redacted) Please take note of the following important information regarding your technician’s visit: The technician can arrive any time within the assigned timeframe. Someone 18 years or older must be present at the time of the technician’s visit for the entire duration of the technician’s visit. You must confirm that you will be present for the technician’s arrival on the day of your appointment. You will receive a call from our Automated System to confirm your presence at your residence.

Mongo: ok

Mandino:  We have 4:30- 6:00 on Friday Mongo. Would that be okay to you?

Mongo: would this be January 18th?

Mandino: Yes, January 18th

Mongo: Yes, this would be fine

Mandino:  Great!

Mandino: I am so glad to inform you that i am already done processing here the appointment schedule for you Mongo. To recap, we have addressed this concern by performing a preliminary troubleshooting and by coming to the conclusion that we need to send a field technician to check on this. This concern is resolved on our end.

Mongo: yes, thank you for your assistance

Mandino:  You are very much welcome.

Mandino:  Now that we have successfully scheduled a technician appointment for you, I am more than sure this will be addressed and resolved as soon as possible. All you need is to sit back and relax while waiting for the scheduled visit. We have followed all necessary steps and protocols in dealing with this technical issue and determined the resolution with precision. You may consider this resolved as correct process was undertaken, I made sure of that. I have comprehensively documented and endorsed this concern to the correct support.

Mandino:  Mongo, have I resolved all of your concerns to your satisfaction by scheduling you a technician appointment that will rest assured resolve your concern today?

Mongo: yes

Mandino: Great!

Friday came... and went.  I called Comcast and they informed me that the ticket number I was given listed Michael McDonald as the customer.

I said, "Really?  The guy from the Doobie Brothers lives in my neighborhood?"

I don't think he saw the humor...  Then again, neither did I.  We rescheduled and what started out as a two day fix lasted an entire week.  The tech finally showed up and I was given a new box.  Unfortunately, I lost all of my recordings, including the last two seasons of Supernatural that I had been sitting on, waiting for my wife to watch it with me.

So, I asked the tech about the issue.  What happened was that Xfinity.. Comcast... whatever they are called these days decided to send an update to the TV guide programming that is on digital cables boxes.  This update hosed a lot of cable boxes. 

How nice.  In a way, this was liberating.  The one thing that has been keeping me as a customer has been the fact that I had 99% spaced on my DVR filled.  I was so hesitant the last time I entertained the idea of getting something else, like Direct TV.  I began frantically watching all of my recorded shows in the hopes that I could clear them out before the guy showed up.  Unfortunately, I was unable to get Direct TV because I have four trees in my yard, blocking the direction that the dish needs to face.  I've also been told this was a crap excuse from the guy who tried to install it. 

Needless to say, I'm back to watching and recording, and my box is at a whopping 11%.  But, that will probably change as I get involved with other stuff and the weather gets nicer.  Yeah, right.  What a Fool Believes.

Game of Thrones Giveaway

OK,  sorry to be late this week.  I'm in the middle of a giveaway over at the store blog.  Not to sound biased, but I think it's a pretty sweet one, too. 

Winner gets a copy of Season One of Game of Thrones on Blu-Ray, a set of 14 stickers from my Westeros League designs, a shirt with the design of their choice, a mug/stein/4 shot glasses with a design of their choice, and a $20 gift card to Skreened.

It's simple to enter.  Just comment on the blog post, retweet a phrase, or come over to the Facebook page and comment on my cover photo.  That's three chances to win between now and November 26th.

Also, just found out that Season 2 of Game of Thrones will be released on February 19, 2013, a month before Season 3 starts up on HBO.  You can pre-order it on Amazon, now.  And get over and enter the giveaway.... WINTER IS COMING

Game of Thrones

Lena Headey, Peter Dinklage

Best Price $55.99

or Buy New $55.99

Game of Thrones: The Complete Second Season (Blu-ray/DVD Combo + Digital Copy)





Phone a Friend

A coworker brought this up to me and it made me wonder the following:

“Do people spend long amounts of time talking to their close friends on the phone?”

By that, I mean, the friends that they see on a regular basis. Not the ones they haven’t seen since childhood or went to college with and only see like once in decade. I’m talking about classmates, coworkers, neighbors.

The reason I wonder is that with the technology we have, the ability to talk on a phone is probably the least of the features people want when they shop for a phone. People want texting and Internet and apps. And do people even worry about home phones anymore?

If talking on the phone with a friend for more than ten minutes is a out of date practice then I weep for the new generation. Let me set up a scenario for you.

Circa 1987, there was a show on MTV called Remote Control. Most will only know that this is where Adam Sandler became well known and moved onto Saturday Night Live from there. At its zenith, MTV could balance shows with music videos but… that ended with a loud thud around 1992. That’s another story.

Anyway, after a long day of seventh grade, I came home and turned on the television to see this new show on MTV. The next day I told my friend about it and he said he had seen it, too. So, the next time it was on, I called him and we pretty much sat on the phone for a half hour, bullshitting while watching this show. There was no important discussion; no need for a call. It was just two friends watching the same show, in two different houses, at a time when a stretched phone cord could be considered lethal to someone under five foot had they ran from one room to another.

I cannot remember the last time I spent a half hour talking with someone on the phone without an explicit purpose. “We have Facebook and texting and email, who talks 30 minutes in a row? How do you get anything done?” We’ve become so task oriented in life. If we can’t get it done while doing two other things, we don’t do it. I can’t sit in a meeting unless I’m troubleshooting one issue, reading email, and IM’ing another person about another issue all at the same time. I am not that important of a person. I could only imagine someone with three letters in their title. You probably never see those people laying on their bed with a phone pressed to their ear to the point of sweatiness discussing their favorite show with their friends. These are things we don’t do anymore.

Do teenage girls call teenage boys anymore? Is this something I’ll need to deal with when my kid is ten years older? Her generation will never know the pains of my generation when it comes to a house telephone. We had one line, no call waiting, and no answering machine before 1984. That was when we had two high school students in the house at one time.

When we moved into a new house in 1984, we had a second line set up for my brother and sister, but still no call waiting or answering machine. In fact, we still had two rotary phones and a push button one, all corded. Then, when my brother and sister were off to college or working late nights, my parents had another push button phone put into their bedroom. Still no call waiting but we did have an answering machine by 1987.

In fact, I don’t think my parents have call waiting in 2012, but they have upgraded to wireless handsets and both have cell phones. That’s why I don’t know how much of an impact the phone will have in my life when my daughter gets to be a teen. She’s certainly not getting a cell phone… at least one that can text or take pictures until she’s 18. (I know. I can wish, right?) If anything, I’d like her to be only able to call us or the police from a cell phone until she’s 18, but I know that’s not going to happen. In any case, I have a cell phone. My wife has a cell phone. We don’t use our home phone that much except for other calls, that we usually don’t answer as it is. We mostly have the ringer turned down because stupid calls come at inopportune times. We can called ID on our television, so we know if we want to answer it, anyway.

But even in the most extreme cases, I won’t care that my kid is on the phone, unless she’s talking long distance to a friend, for hours, or if she’s calling a nursing home for me. Then, I might cut the cord. Or… at least the power.

Love Stinks in Pop Culture

What are the best love stories in pop culture, today?

New Year’s Eve? Gack.
Crazy, Stupid, Love? About cheating and divorce.
Just Go With It? Adam Sandler. It’s a love of childish humor.
Breaking Dawn? There we have it.

And before you start going on about, “This is a Twilight bashing post” I’m going to stop you right there.

Yes, it is.

But it’s much more than that.

The concept of love in a movie has been whittled down into this poor excuse for a relationship that is the Twilight saga. And before that, it was a Nicholas Sparks book adapted into a film.

Step 1: Two pretty white people fall in love.
Step 2: One dies.
Step 3: Advertise with a stupid reused poster of two people kissing with the guy holding the cheeks of the girl. (Rain optional)
Step 4: Profit

So, my coworker, who is 10 years younger than I am (damn kids, kidding), asked me, “What was the love story of your day?” Meaning “What did girls and adult females consider the pinnacle of romance back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and phones had mangled fifty foot long cords.”

I thought about it and here’s what I came up with, looking at it generationally (20 year period) from 1978 through 1998. I would have been between the ages of three and 23 during this period.

General Hospital (1978) Luke and Laura
As a kid, I remember two big romantic to dos in the world. Luke and Laura being married and Charles and Diana. Since we are talking about impacting television, readers, or movie goers, I think Luke and Laura win out in that category. However, like Twilight, the beginning of this supercouple involves a bad relationship… including a drunken Luke raping Laura. While Twilight never moves toward sexual assault, there is a case for an abusive relationship.

Empire Strikes Back (1980) Geeks in love?
Well, every preteen in 1983 made the jump to hyper-puberty when Carrie Fisher showed up in the gold bikini on Jabba the Hutt’s party barge, but three years before, romance filled the galaxy as Han and Leia pouted. The already sexual tension filled storyline between the two characters, which kicked off in the first movie, mixed with Irvin Kershner’s direction pretty much set the stage for romance among the stars as Han and Leia smooched in the bowels of a space slug aboard the Millennium Falcon and led to one of the greatest improved lines of all, “I know.”

Why does that work? It seems kind of cocky and prick worthy, which IS Han Solo, but watch that scene directly after the scenes in the Falcon, and in the corridors of Echo Base on Hoth. Han is pretty much saying, “You love me. Why won’t you admit that I am an OK guy and that we could be good together?”

When Leia says, “I love you,” Han could easily say to her, “I love you, too.” He doesn’t. Why? Because he acknowledges that she has taken that step into the abyss and torn down the wall between their feelings. She’s confirming his statement to her back on Hoth about, “…because of the way you feel about me.” This isn’t goodbye. He gets that she gets it and let’s her know that he understands and welcomes what she is saying, not just because of the circumstance they are in at the moment.

Brat Pack Invasion (1984-89) The combination of John Huges and Cameron Crowe
This one spans almost five years, five films, two directors, and 20 plus actors. Probably the biggest comparison can make to teen love and angst comes in the form of Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, Some Kind of Wonderful and Say Anything. Even though some people often think Say Anything is a John Hughes movie, because of the cast and subject matter, it has nothing to do with Hughes. It’s actually a bit darker in tone because of the plotline involving John Mahoney going to jail. It still follows some of the formula that John Hughes mined for 80s movie gold and it’s still awesome 23 years later.

Whether it be Claire and Bender, Duckie and Andie and Blaine, Samantha and Jake, Watts and Keith and Amanda, or Diane and Lloyd, the history of love and heartbreak is as universal as Shakespeare or even the triangle of Jacob and Bella and Edward. (gack.)

But teen girls everywhere hearted Jake Ryan and Lloyd Dobler. They wanted to be with bad boy John Bender and even sort of pulled for Keith to stop going after Amanda Jones and choose the tomboyish drummer, Watts, who may have resembled them in a way.

John Hughes and Cameron Crowe wrote dialogue that normal teenagers didn’t use out loud but their thoughts mirrored what the characters said on film. It would be another ten years before that kind of sentiment was expressed through scripts spoken by high school kids.

Then there’s this: The ultimate expression of love for millions of guys hurt by the girl they love.

Phantom of the Opera (1986) She chose wrong!
My own wife thinks that Christine should have gone with the Phantom. Of course, she loves Twilight, too.  Well, a lot of women and girls loved the Andrew Lloyd Webber adaptation of the Gaston Leroux novel. Though anyone with any kind of theatrical training loathes how this became the standard for musical theater) High School and College Freshman drama geeks who dedicated their lives, or at least an entire wall in their bedrooms, to POTO were worse than Hipsters or Gleeks are today.

Beauty and the Beast (1987-1990) Television Series with Linda Hamilton and Ron Pearlman.
RON FREAKING PERLMAN! Female audiences swooned over the prosthetic faced enhanced Perlman as Vincent. He looked like a cross between the lead singer for Europe and the transformed Michael Jackson at the beginning of Thriller. Of course, that’s understandable because the makeup for both was done by Rick Baker. The relationship between the two transcended looks and worlds and Vincent was probably better looking Fabio in most rights.

Sadly, the show suffered the loss of Linda Hamilton in season three, at her desire. Hey, she didn’t pull a David Caruso. The following year she went full throttle into stardom, reprising her role as Sarah Conner in T2.

Disney Strikes Back (1989-1993)  Four movies that made you fall in love all over again
The Classic era of Disney animated features is speckled with a rich lineup.  Snow White, Cinderella, The Lady and the Tramp, and Sleeping Beauty all had strong romantic themes to them.  We've all, at least, attempted to push a meatball across the plate with our nose or slurped up a single noodle between us and our significant other at one time or another.  But it would be 30 years before the notion of a strong romantic storyline would grace the cels of a Disney animated film.  The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and The Lion King all had the same things in common; strong female characters, a love story, and Oscar winning songs by Alan Menken, collaborating first with Howard Ashmen then Tim Rice after Ashmen's death in 1991. 

The themes in those three movies resonated for adults as much as they did in children and made Disney the animation powerhouse to beat,until a little company called Pixar animated a few toys.  It also didn't hurt to have some of the top R&B Soul and Pop Music artists record your main theme song.  This was a trend that started with Beauty and the Beast and continued through Tarzan.  Each year becoming a little more ridiculous as they trotted out past their prime pop stars from the 80s like Phil Collins and Michael Bolton.  Sadly, Michael Bolton's best work since then was in an SNL Digital Short called "Jack Sparrow".  Regardless, love was in the air but the heavy handed love song from The Lion King, while extremely popular, its place in the film is a bit lost as the love story between Simba and Nala is a minor one.  That's probably why "The Circle of Life" was also a big hit from the soundtrack, unlike previous years which only had one song on Top 40 radio.

***UPDATE***
The Wonder Years (1988-1993) Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper
I can't believe I forgot this one.   I almost pulled an Entertainment Weekly.  The world of puberty told through the eyes of Kevin Arnold by one of the Sticky Bandits.  The first episode set all the groundwork you needed for romance history.  That one girl in the neighborhood.  The one that was always there, geeky and awkward.  She comes back after one summer and she's transformed into the goddess of your dreams.  Then, you know how it goes, you make plans to get some of that and you envision her dead Vietnam Vet brother protecting her from likes of you.

Kevin and Winnie's was one of those tv romances that worked because it was sweet and innocent.  The show worked because it was life for all of us who grew up with them. It was the romantic equivalent of A Christmas Story for me. 

Unfortunately, YouTube won't let me embed this but it's a great compendium of Kevin and Winnie moments.

My So-Called Life (1994) Angela and Jordan
My friend actually called me on this one.  How could I forget it?  Sad to say, a lot of people did miss this bright spot in the tv spectrum.   It was cancelled before it's time and while it was on par with the WB Explosion a few years later, in terms of pop culture impact, it was too dark for ABC and mainstream programming.

The relationship between Angela and Jordan was one of those troubled teen romances that was a great parallel for how kids acted in the real world.  The dialogue was smart and the angst was almost Shakespearean in nature.  While their relationship wasn't the main focus on the show, it was probably one of the most memorable aspects of it.

***END UPDATE***

Titanic (1997)  The biggest thing that went down wasn't the ship...
Unfortunately, this is probably the single biggest impact on romantic film or television of any age group during my cross section of life. In fact, the biggest thing in this film isn’t the historical account of the ship hitting the iceberg or its sinking, it’s the imagined love story between a lady of status and a third class passenger.

I say, “Unfortunately” because, for how big a film it was, the footprint is almost clichéd and tacky when you think back about it. I mean, no one thought skinny ties and ugly sweaters were enough to give kids the eyeroll treatment of us when we first wore them. But looking back you have to cringe at the notion that we left the house thinking we looked cool in pegged jeans and mullets. The emo generation probably think that loving Celine Dion’s song is the biggest crime against music since Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. And, if I didn’t agree with Kanye in some small way, I’d think it was too, even though I own the Titanic soundtrack.

Let’s face it, it’s a tacky love song and almost an overly melodramatic chick flick, 15 years later. Holy Crap?!?! My wife’s niece wasn’t even alive when this film came out. Gawd, I’m old. Shut the blinds, I don’t want to see the light!

The WB Years (1997, 1998) The second coming of John Hughes for television
As a little upstart network, far down the depth chart of the television dial, The WB cranked up the competition with the big four by populating its lineup with smarty-smart teeny bopper dialogue from maverick's like Joss Whedon and Kevin Williamson. Having a self deprecating and self aware outlook on teen life and romance, they wrote smart dialogue for shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson’s Creek.

Much like John Hughes, 15 years before them, Joss’ and Kevin’s characters spoke differently than the average real life teen but their take on relationships were a lot more real and acceptable than Stephanie Meyer. Not saying they were any less abusive. It’s not every day that a girl loses her virginity to a hundred year old vampire who then wants to torture and kill her and her friends. But, it’s a better metaphor for giving into peer pressure and sexual urges only to find that what you’ve built up as the end all, be all of human existence turns out to be a monster who doesn’t share your sentiment after the deed is done. Whether or not you have to kill that boy in order to save the world is beside the point.

Dawson grew up with the Nick at Nite version (my generation’s version) of parents and his life was far from realistic but like John Hughes’ characters, everyone rooted for Joey Potter and sometimes Jen Lindley. After all, it was the typical Ginger and Mary Ann contrast of female characters. You want Ginger for sex, but you want to settle down with Mary Ann. Just like girls WANTED John Bender for sex, but wanted Brian Johnson for a loyal and dependable husband figure.

But there is still the eyeroll factor when you look back at the early WB teen romance shows and realize that “I’ll Be” was the “In Your Eyes” of the first season finale and the pinnacle of love songs in which to express your true feelings to.  It was also the soundtrack for episode promos with that raspy voice over that wasn't Don LaFontaine

I weep for the young today.  Why? 

This



Top Ten Puberty Inducing Moments From the Last 50 years

In the last 50 years, the sexual revolution has exploded in our faces.   Thanks to the loosening of morals and the tightening of material around certain areas, young boys have launched into puberty at various instances because of pop culture.

Back when I was a kid in the 80s, stolen HBO and the mere hint of female flesh in a music video were enough to blast our hormones into orbit like the Apollo rocket in the MTV commercial.  In the 90s, who could forget “Jiggle TV”?

With that in mind, I give you the 10 best puberty kickoff moments of the last 50 years.  Granted, some of the items on this list weren’t exactly for the eyes of those in the demographic, however, just like the Internet today, there was access to the material in those days.  All that was needed was access to HBO and a night away from the parents.  Sleepovers provided the ability to do these things.


Warning:  This post contains juvenile humor.


10.2.  Britney Spears – VMA awards barely there body stocking – 2000
Tie for tenth place.  If Britney's first act was appearing as a Catholic School Girl In Trouble in her video for "Hit Me Baby", her second act was the blood pumping strip tease during the 2000 VMAs.




10.1. Katy Perry – Whip Cream Bra Cannon in “California Gurls” music video – 2010
Tie for tenth place.  She ruined Candy Land for Kindergartners but straightened out a few candy canes for some up and coming teen boys in 2010.  Katy Perry turned her boobs into whip cream and firework cannons after kissing a girl.  If sex sells, she was cornering the market with ample amounts of tease.



9. Catherine Bach –Daisy Duke wearing Daisy from Dukes of Hazzard – 1979
They weren't called Bo Dukes, after all.  Many a boy jumped a bridge and yelled 'Yee Haaaa' after seeing Catherine Bach in the too short shorts on Friday nights at the end of the 70s.



8. Kelly LeBrock – first entrance from Weird Science – 1985
"What would you little maniacs like to do first?"  asked Lisa in the John Hughes classic.  Um, shower with you of course.  



7. Tawny Kitaen – Ghost riding the hood of a car in the “Here I Go Again” music video – 1987
Never before did preteen boys want to be a car hood than when Tawny slithered and writhed in time to the re-release of Whitesnake's most famous hit.



6. Pamela Anderson – Slo-Mo runs from Baywatch – 1992
I remember the Baywatch before Boobwatch.  Back when Parker Stevenson was on and it was the original pilot entitled, "Panic At Malibu Pier".   But nobody liked it, so it got retooled with a former Tool Time girl running in slow motion towards 'supposedly' drowning males.  She got the swimmers swimming for those boys just discovering the floatation devices in the early 90s.



5. Farrah Fawcett – Famous Poster – 1976
One of the most famous pin up posters to push the envelope with perky.... um yeah.  Sadly we lost Farrah to cancer.  But we'll always have this on our ceiling, above our bed, as a shrine to the 70s.



4. Raquel Welch – Fur Bikini from One Million Years B.C. – 1967
Fur Bikini and dinosaurs.  Two things that go hand in hand, right?  And.... how about a cat fight between two beautiful cave girls.  Can you say Pubertosaurus Rex?  It's no wonder Andy Dufresne used her to cover his jail break.




3. Ursula Andress – Dr. No Bikini beach entrance – 1962
The original Bond girl who came strolling out of the surf in the white bikini and some wonderful conch shells!  She made James' martini shake as 60s era preteens stirred in their seats upon seeing the Swiss Miss, dubbed by go to Bond voice over actress Nikki van der Zyl.



2. Carrie Fisher –  Princess Leia in a Gold Bikini from Return of the Jedi  – 1983
We all wanted to use the force or at least swing our lightsabers after seeing the demure but sassy Leia Organa forced into servitude and a gold metal bikini on Jabba's barge in the final chapter of the original Star Wars trilogy.  It's almost too Freudian to imagine her fighting with the almost phallic looking Jabba the Hutt on the deck.  And to that end, she choked the Hutt while fanboys nearly choked their chicken.  Ross Gellar approves.



1. Phoebe Cates – Pool exit scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High – 1982 
It had to be Linda Barret.  It just had to be, right?  One of my earliest memories of my parents stealing HBO was a grainy, "chh chh chh chh" sounding Phoebe Cates, strolling out of the pool in this scene from the 80s classic.  Looking back, it seems so odd to glorify movies that portrayed high school teenage characters taking their clothes off on screen.  Another would be Caroline Mulford in Sixteen Candles. But you have to remember that Cates was 19 when she did the bikini burst and Haviland Morris was 25 when she hit the tympani bounce note in the school shower from the John Hughes movie. Still, as far as puberty inducing moments, this takes the taco.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I need some alone time with side one of Led Zeppelin IV.


Sorry, I couldn't post the real clip.  I do try to keep this PG-13, at most.



Honorable Mention:
Marilyn Monroe – “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” – 1962
Now, what list of sex symbols and sultriness would be complete without the original, one and only, Marilyn Monroe?   So, she gets an honorable mention for providing enough of a provocative performance to the POTUS.  Fully clothed, she still gave boys a Cuban Missile Crisis in their pants.

How About This?

Parents who have even normal, everyday children will undeniably curse their offspring with the following hex, “I hope when you have kids, they grow up to be just like you!”

My parents never put this juju on me. For that, I thought I was a pretty upstanding child. I rarely got into trouble, and when I say that I mean I rarely took the blame. My one friend bore the brunt of explaining why we emptied out his parents’ garage with the grand idea that we were going to build a tree house with no prior architectural expertise or clearance to use sharp tools.  His Dad came home from work to find the yard littered with boards of varying sizes and shapes along with tools.   My friend had to clean it all up.  Me, I went home for dinner.

But I am here to tell you that regardless of how well you behaved as a little tyke, the curse is passed down whether your parents wish it or not. Take my kid, please. Kidding. But let’s take her, for example.

About two weeks ago she began asking for everything under the sun that she saw on television. My automatic and unwavering response to this was, “We’ll see.”  That usually stops the conversation right there. It’s like “We’ll see” is some magical phrase that pacifies the unending need to have whatever it is that she sees on that screen. Again and again she sees something else on TV that she wants and asks, to which I say, “We’ll see.”   She goes about her business and I go back to farming on my computer.  

And it’s not like it always about a toy. She saw some commercial for some kind of baking tool that makes cupcakes in the shape of lollipops that you can then put on a stick and decorate. Immediately, she bounded across the room and said, “Daddy, Daddy, I want that!”

“We’ll see.”

And it’s not like it’s always about what is on television.

This past week she’s been going on and on about wanting to go to Kennywood. For those of you not familiar with Pittsburgh, it’s our Disney World. It’s like Yinzer World. Since I wrenched my back a week ago, I haven’t able to move very fast, not like I ever did, but riding the Thunderbolt in my condition could have me in traction.

So, when she started asking about going to Kennywood, I said, “We’ll see.” I expected silence after this, but she came back with something.  Something that sent a shiver up my spine.

“How about this?” I stopped in my tracks as she said this. “If I’m a good girl, can I go to Kennywood?”

I was floored. My kid just tried to negotiate with me. As soon as those three words came out of her mouth I was transported through my entire life, all the way through high school. I was a negotiator.  I never remembered it, though, but it was true. My parents would tell me “Maybe” or “We’ll see” and I immediately shot back with, “How about this…” and then laid out my terms.

In high school, our senior class got to pick the song we would have played during the senior night halftime show for marching band. This was the song that the band would play while we walked up the field with our parents. There was an insane debate over two songs. Half of the seniors, me included, wanted, “You Could Be Mine” by Guns and Roses. The other half wanted, “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye (To Yesterday)” by Boyz II Men. Remember, this was 1993 and we were still in the heyday of the Alex Vanderpool era.  It came down to a tie vote and the only person who had not voted was one of the drummers, who was one of the biggest proponents to disregarding authority. We thought we had it locked up. He surprised all of us by siding with the Boyz II Men voters. Not taking defeat likely, I went to our band director with the news. Then, I said, with sudden utter brilliance, “How about this?”

His eyebrows cocked to one side, “Go on.”

I spun this golden thread of bullshit about how we have to get onto the field before we do the senior night formation. Why not use that opportunity to show some flare and excitement. Then we bring it down for the actual calling out of names. He stroked his chin and nodded his head. “Fine.”

I had turned a loss into a tie and satisfied everyone’s wishes. We played both.

Snapping back to reality, I noticed my four year old standing there, wondering where I had gone. “I tell you what? You be a good girl and we’ll definitely put it on the list of things to do.”

Sensing that she had indeed met her equal, she said, “OK. If I’m a good girl, we’ll go soon.” And with that, she went on to bigger and better things involving her dinosaurs, a chair and the cat tree. I had dodged a huge bullet. I could tell that she knew I was against the ropes due to her sneak attack. I should think about sending her to Washington DC to settle the debt crisis. They wouldn’t stand a chance and we’d all be able to sleep at night thinking about our 401ks.

Till then, I am so screwed and it won’t be the government that has drained my savings. It will be my little negotiator with her insatiable need for all things  As Seen on TV.

I Want My 80s TV Back

Recently, VH1 Classic ran the first hour of MTV’s original broadcast for the 30th anniversary. Funny. Don’t you think MTV would want to celebrate their own milestone by rebroadcasting their first on air moments? Oh, that’s right. That would involve MTV actually playing music videos which they have said they don’t do anymore.

In fact, they even changed the logo, albeit they simply cropped the words MUSIC TELEVISION with the aid of something as simple as MS Paint. And how does last year’s decision bode for having the VMAs? Sort of like tits on a bull to show a Video Music Award show on a station that no longer shows music videos.

But this is nothing new, MTV… er, TV has been reduced to scripted reality shows for the last fifteen years. Such a far fall from television that used to premiere groundbreaking shows like 120 Minutes, Head Banger’s Ball, Unplugged, Liquid Television, and the self deprecating Beavis and Butthead which made fun of the same videos MTV played, and some it didn’t. In fact, MTV created its own demise with the debut of The Real World. How could we have known that one of the biggest trail blazers would be consumed by its own flame?

So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that MTV’s biggest competitor in terms of playing videos should get the spoils of playing its progenitor’s old home movies. After all, both networks are owned by Viacom.
Now, I was a wee Mongo, only six years old, when MTV first aired on August 1st, 1981. I never saw it. We didn’t have cable or that many channels in those days, except for stealing HBO. It wasn’t until MTV came to Armstrong Cable (South Western PA) that I got to watch and by then, MTV was huge. So, it was kind of like seeing it for the first time when it re-aired this past August 1st.

My initial thoughts were “What a waste of 10 minutes?” The first thing you see is the build up to the launch of Space Shuttle Columbia, which goes on forever. Finally, the shuttle launches and the screen transitions to the launch of Apollo 11, ending with Neil Armstrong’s walk on the moon and the flag, emblazoned with the original MTV logo pronouncing that Rock and Roll television has arrived.

What a missed opportunity, in my opinion. For anyone not knowing what was to come, they might have switched off the television, thinking this was a joke or just a rebroadcast of the shuttle launch from four months earlier. In fact, I was thinking this was such a shame because it was the first hour of such a landmark event, and fifteen minutes of it was wasted on actual footage of a space launch from mission control and the launch pad. I DVR’ed the show because I had to be at work in less than six hours. I wasn’t about to stay up and watch what was possibly the first three hours because I didn’t know it was perhaps part one of three.

But there it was, the first breath ever in this world. From there, The Buggles and Pat Benatar carved the path for the fresh new faces of VJs to come on and take us by the hand into a brave new world. Mark Goodman, the first VJ we see, introduces himself along with Nina Blackwood, the late J.J. Jackson, Alan Hunter, and Martha Quinn, who still looks 21, today, ensuring us that this new experiment will change the world. And it did.

Sadly, we see this broadcast, on a sister station at a time when most kids don’t know that MTV actually play videos. Before YouTube or OnDemand, there was actually a network that played 24 hours of music videos. It’s like watching the early days of Elvis or Michael Jackson when all people today really see is them at their death, a shadow of what they used to be like in their prime. It’s almost a sad joke or a lie. It’s Toto pulling back the curtain to see that the Wizard is merely a humbug.

And, truthfully, do we really have music today that needs videos? The real pioneers and trailblazers are hard to find in the sea of crap. Maybe the 80s were like that as well. For every Peter Gabriel, Herbie Hancock, Madonna and Michael Jackson moments of genius, there were plenty of Gerardo, Right Said Fred and yes Michael Jackson moments to drown them out.

And even, even, Leonard Nimoy.