Flavor Shot of Love on the Rocks

Oh for crying out loud?!? How much more can we endure? I will not go on at length about my already established loathing of reality television but will share my thoughts on some things.

The latest season of The Bachelor wrapped up with a three hour meh fest. The final episode and the “After the Final Rose” or as I call it, “You’ll-watch-this-because-there’s-nothing-on-during-the-10-o’clock-hour-on-other-channels-and-Heroes-is-still-lagging-in-the-9-o’clock-one!” I refused, flat out refused, to watch this season as a captive audience to my wife’s kidnapping of the remote. Luckily, she was turned off after the last offering of The Bachelorette, where DeAnna Pappas chose Spicoli-lite Jessie Csincsak over the current Bachelor, Single Dad, Jason Mesnick. The wife was pulling for Graham Bunn, but he was unwilling to play Deanna’s game. He probably was the best man for the job but since he didn’t fall all over DeAnna and make her the center of the universe, she dropped him.

So,…am I telling you anything you don’t already know? Ok, well, you know that DeAnna and Jessie broke up before the wedding and it had to be her choice because Jessie had some YouTube video talking about it and he was crying about the breakup. Anyway, DeAnna came crawling back to Jason crying, “I made a mistake!”

Obviously, the producers knew or had heard of the breakup between DeAnna and Jessie and made her an offer to come back. What? Scripted reality television, you say? No, you must be mistaken. Yeah, well obviously, Pappas has no dignity because she did just that, she appeared in the season finale. She probably tried to call Graham Bunn, but he’s too busy dating someone else, so what else was there? Again, I didn’t watch any of this season but saw the last five minutes of the finale and a couple of the after show thinking it couldn’t still be on at 10:00 pm. I was wrong.

How can they keep plugging this crap? Is standard television fare that bad? Is this high brow Jerry Springer? Instead of being a voyeur into the trailer park crowd, we get the beautiful 20-30 something professionals in a mansion. And why do people keep thinking that these people will make it? Is it any wonder why the show is two for 13 in successful marriages? It’s obvious that there’s a lot of screwing around going on, so why should anyone, guy or girl, feel that they are really special. They’re just a numbered contestant.

Then we have the cable knock off shows like Flavor of Love and I Love New York, and the rest. This stuff is a steaming pile of poo. Yet people watch with all the fervor of a Smoke Monster centric episode of LOST. On a side note, if the Bad Robot and company were really cool, they’d do an episode like that with Smoke Monster flashbacks. I guess only in my mind, only in my mind.

Where was I? Oh yeah, there was some story that Glen Danzig was going to appear in the next season of Rock of Love. Of course, it would be slanted towards a satanic spin with weird challenges involving body parts and goats. My question is who would be allowed to audition? He already has a built in warning to all the Mother’s of potential contestants telling them not to walk his way or hear his words. That’s probably the theme song. It’d be dumb for them to not use it.

And don’t get me started on that whole Tia Tequila hot mess. This chick was just an asshat and a sellout. Make up your mind…and you want to talk about glass houses, you’re doing about as much for the GLAAD image as Lindsay Lohan. Don’t let this one fool you. This was pure spot light grabbing idiocy. She knew what the demographic was going to be if she played both sides of the field and she was about as big a fake as the Joe Schmoe show. The fact that she even got a second season shows how depraved producers in Hollywood are. You know you can’t play the ambiguity card this time, and in the end, the winner bowed out. She couldn’t commit to her own fame seeking sham image.

How about Tool Academy? Let me get this straight. The object is relationship boot camp for idiots. How dumb does a guy have to be to think they are being entered into a “Mr. Awesome” contest only to be put into “charm school?” They obviously are somewhat in on it because they don’t walk away right after they’ve been let in on the joke that is them. Oh, and then in the second episode, one of the guys replaced his girlfriend. What the hell? The girlfriends signed the guys up for the show and this freak of nature drops her for an ex.

Oh and my personal favorite idiot of all time, The Pickup Artist. First off, take that dumb hat off your dumb head. Next, realize that you are an idiot and regardless of how special you think you really are, you’re just ripping off a sub par Molly Ringwald movie. Kind of fitting, no?

Look, I don’t claim to be anything but me. I’ve never, for once, in my life relied on sex appeal or looks to find someone. I’ve always been the Ducky, the Farmer Ted, or the LIoyd Dobler. I’ve relied on my character and humor and I ended up just fine. Yes, I watched as other, better looking guys, put a revolving door on their bedroom but I didn’t care in the end. I may have slammed them for being assholes or players, but at the end of the day, it all worked out for the best. I’m happy and I have I no regrets other than a couple of bad choices which I got lucky over the outcome. But I don’t get these mind numbingly dumb shows. At least with The Bachelor and Bachelorette, they find someone and they’re done, for a few weeks. Flavor Flav and Brett Michaels keep coming back for season after season. It’s not like they’re trying to find Mrs. Right, but Mrs. Right Now.

It makes you wonder what kind of compensation they give rejected contestants on those shows. You know how Oscar presenters get baskets of stuff from all kinds of high profile designers and confectioners? I wonder if contestants on these shows get a basket from CVS and Rite-Aid pharmacies. How about a lifetime supply of antibiotics and delousing powder?