After surviving the high tide-near wash out of a drive home, we decided to relax on the deck with some drinks. I managed to empty a bottle of our Apple Pie “hooch” and even created a deadly concoction… well, to my arteries. I mixed the shine with some French Vanilla coffee creamer, effectively making Apple Pie a la Mode. It was very tasty.
As the darkness fell across the beach and the full moon began to rise we saw the waters subside, uncovering the beach road, which allowed traffic to flow once again. Though, they usually caution against travelling on the beach at night. The sunken forest of petrified stumps that dot the landscape could wreak havoc on the axles of your truck, I’m told.
Drink after drink we consumed to calm the nerves of our ordeal with just getting home for the night led to conversation about the latest events we had heard on the news. In Miami, there was a “zombie” incident, in which a man, high on bath salts, disrobed and proceeded to chew the face of another man. What? Yes, this has become a big story, apparently. In our seclusion up among the wild horses and men who live in houses with baby doll heads on posts… still trying to get that picture… we were somewhat shaded from current events, strange or otherwise. Armed with an Internet connection I had found that another incident had occurred. Once again, a man, high on bath salts pretended to act like a zombie after being arrested.
So, we talked into the night about the ramifications of a possible zombie apocalypse. I thought back to reading The Zombie Survival Guide and thought that, in the event, we might be in pretty decent shape up here. Zombies aren’t the best of walkers, so the sand would give us a chance at escape. Not to mention, the isolation of being in this area wouldn’t attract their attention as much as being in the hustle and bustle of the lower, commercial areas. We have Internet and satellite television, so if the word came, we could make a trip down to the stores to get what supplies we needed to make a long term stand. And, we had a pool, which makes for waiting out the apocalypse a little more enjoyable.
Although, I could imagine the following scenario:
“MARCO!”
“BRAAAINS!”
The more we drank, the funnier the conversation became. Soon, we noticed something down at the water line. It looked like a person but they were just wandering back and forth along the water. They didn’t seem to sure footed as the shuffled up the beach a few feet, then back down a few more feet. In our drunken state, we started to get a little loud and bolder with our comments. Cracking jokes at the expense of a silhouette in the distance.
“Maybe he’s drunk.”
“Maybe he’s lost.”
“Maybe he’s a zombie!”
Soon, we started rolling with the idea and eventually, one of our more adventurous, and inebriated of the group decided to walk down to see which this person was. We watched as he walked down the walkway and onto the beach, disappearing from sight. A few seconds later we caught sight of him in the moonlight walking along the dunes to a set of benches right by the ramp up from the beach. We laughed as he just took it upon himself to sit on the bench and blend into the scenery. Then… it happened.
The shape turned and moved its way up to the bench. Then it disappeared. Then nothing. No sound could be heard except for the surf. The dunes blocked our view of the scene. Minutes went by with no word, no movement, no sounds.
What if it IS a zombie? What if our guy is a midnight snack? Our missing member of the group, now gone from view for more than five minutes elicited a few four letter words from his drunk wife, my sister-in-law. She made it a plan to go after him and kick his ass for being gone so long. I looked at my wife and said, “Should I go?” She nodded and I went with her.
As we walked along the deck and down to the beach, my mind raced with the possibilities. “I have no weapons. If this is a zombie, what am I going to do? What if our guy is now one, too?” As we trudged up the beach to the benches, my sister-in-law began yelling for her husband. He then let out a scream. For a brief moment, I panicked. Then, his flashlight began bouncing around playfully and we knew all was well.
“Hey, this here is Luke. He’s legally blind. He’s just waiting for his sister and his girlfriend to arrive.”
How’s he going to know it’s them? Anyway, turns out, he was standing down at the water, just playing his guitar and wandering around, while waiting for his group to arrive. They were from New York. They were staying a few houses back. They weren’t the ones who called the cops on us. They weren’t zombies. We sat and chatted for a few minutes and I contemplated running up to the house screaming of zombies but I was too tired and had too much to drink to navigate the steps while running. I finally heard my wife calling from back at the house and gave them the all clear with the flashlight.
Eventually, all was well and all of our group was back in the house ready for some shut eye after a wonderful, wild, wet evening. Hopefully, Legally Blind Luke managed to see his sister’s truck and make it back to his house before the zombies made their way up the beach.
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Showing posts with label apocalypse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label apocalypse. Show all posts
Monday, June 25, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Here's What I Can Do For You - Smart Phones are Making us Dumb
I am one of the few remaining people in the civilized world that does not own a smart phone. I am as much of a gadget geek or tech head as anyone but for some reason I feel like smart phones are going to be the downfall of humanity. But, I’ll get to that diatribe in a bit.
As far as mobile phones go, I rock an LG Cosmos provided by Verizon. Prior to that it was the ENV2 which is now a piss poor Game Boy since I couldn’t transfer the games I paid for to my new phone. And, before the ENV2 it was a standard LG flip phone. I don’t even remember the name of it. I didn’t want that first phone. In fact, I lobbied against getting a cell phone. I didn’t need to have one. If I wasn’t home for someone to contact me, it was by design. I was at work, or out and if someone needed to get a hold of me, they would have to wait. It was my wife who made me get a phone. She was worried about me driving to and from work on the back roads of Deer Central, Southwestern PA.
So, I begrudgingly got one and I barely used it for anything but a few calls and mostly pictures. I have a generous plan with a lot of minutes and hardly scratch the surface of those limits. Then, I started texting here and there and eventually had to get a text plan which consists of 250 texts per month at $5.00 per month. I barely reach half of that on a regular basis.
Then, I got a call from Verizon Wireless looking to upgrade me. They wanted to upgrade me to a smart phone, offer data plans, and do all these wonderful things for me. They said all this after they examined my account and saw that I hardly used what I had.
“OK, I see you have an LG Cosmos which came with your plan at no extra charge.”
“Yep.”
“We can upgrade you to one of our whiz-bang-smarty pants-phone made with a space age polymer and smells of strawberries. You can take pictures, text, use the internet, make a cartoon cat repeat everything you say in a cute voice, scan bar codes and find information that you didn’t care about before, search Google, make light saber noises and you can have it for $499 with a rebate of using it for a two year contract which makes it $99.00. Does that interest you?”
“Um, I’ve paid nothing for my phones since I started getting them, so, no.”
“OK, well, I see you use roughly 90 of your 550 minutes plan each month.”
“Yes, that sounds about right.”
“OK, here’s what I can do for you… We can upgrade you to that whiz bang phone that costs $99 and you get 700 anytime minutes for $69.99 for two lines. Does that interest you?”
“Um, no. I hardly call people now.”
“OK, well, let’s take a look at your data usage. You have 250 texts a month for $5.00. Of that, you use roughly 60 a month.”
“Yep, that’s pretty accurate.”
“You also have pay as you go MB usage of which you haven’t even used the Internet from your phone.
“Yeah, I don’t go onto the Internet from my phone.”
“OK, here’s what I can do for you. We can upgrade you to that whiz bang strawberry smelling phone and offer you unlimited texts and 2GB data allowance for $54.99 a month. Does that interest you?”
“Um, no. Look, you can see what I do with my phone now. Pretty much nothing. So, why would I pay more when I don’t do any of those things?”
“OK, understood. Thank you.”
Look, I understand that they are TRYING to sell me something. But, when you look at my account, which they do before they call me and SEE I’m not doing anything worthy of upgrading, there’s really no point in calling me, now is there? But then again, there’s no point in calling people, who are consistently going over their limits and paying a higher rate for the overages, to offer them savings. Because it’s more money in Verizon’s pocket.
Outbound calls are all about attracting new services and businesses, but there needs to be a smarter analysis of your existing customer base or you run the risk of alienating them more when you bother them with services that they clearly don’t even use that much. If you want to get someone into a higher bracket, examine the ones that maybe go over once in a while or come close to that overage. These are people that probably would entertain the idea of upping their plan in order to pay a little more but save a lot in the end. Don’t go after the little fish in the big pond. Go after the fish that is almost too big for his small pond and offer him a bigger pond where he is now the little fish once more.
But, this is why I probably would never make it in big business. I’m too concerned with the customers’ needs and not the shareholders’.
OK, now my rant. I’ve actually go on about some of this before… but that was REALLY doom and gloom stuff. This is a little more sarcastic.
Smart Phones are making us dumber. There was a time when having a mobile phone meant your parents had a rotary phone in the kitchen with a 100 foot tangled mess of cord attached to the handset. You could literally go into the garage and still be on the phone. After the wireless phone came into play, young kids could freely run through the house without the fear of being strangled by the cord that was stretched across the living room doorway.
Then we had pagers which sent us an alert to find a stationary landline to call whoever paged us. Cell phones that freed us up completely to communicate with anyone, anywhere, and at anytime. Eventually, texting became available. Now, we could have conversations without having to speak directly with someone. Email… for your phone. Human interaction became sterilized and devoid of emotion save for the few emoticons that litter the textual landscape of messages. Not content with having to be in front of a computer to surf the web or play games, phones began offering the ability to completely disconnect from reality… sometimes while driving.
We can now exist completely online with no human interaction at all. We can shop, learn, play, and communicate all from a phone. Moreover, there’s no need to even remember anything because our phones have access to the Internet. Phone numbers? That’s in my contacts. Useless facts about movies, sports, and history? You can now unload that from your brain because you can access it at a moment’s notice via your phone. We could lose all sense of direction because you can install an app that functions as a compass. And now, with the introduction of the iPhone 4S, we don’t even have to do any the searching for those things. We simply ask Siri, “What’s the capital of Iowa?” To which Siri should say, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you mean. Iowa doesn’t have a capital.” That’s a veiled Family Ties reference if you’re older than dirt, like me. Go ahead, use your smart phone to look that one up. I dare you.
Not only are smart phones making us dumber, they are allowing us to do dumber things, like texting and driving. Smart phones have turned us into lethal weapons out on the road. Even though it’s illegal, I see people every day in their cars texting while driving. It’s supposed to be bad to even be on a cell phone without a hands free device like a Blue Tooth. But I’ve seen police on cell phones all the time. Hell, I’ve come to a red light and sent off a quick text to a friend about a traffic snafu they may encounter.
Auto Correct not only makes us look like idiots because it sometimes throws in an inappropriate word during a conversation with our parents, it also frees us from having to know how to spell most words.
If you think about how much of our daily lives are impacted by the use of smart phones, it should scare the poop out of you to think about them all going away due to a catastrophic event like a terrorist attack or EMP discharge.
I’m surprised shows like The Walking Dead haven’t made a reference to the fact that cell phones are no longer around. There’s only one child on the show and he’s not a teenager, but think about all of those surviving teens and young adults out there who can’t text their BFF, “OMG, my mom is totally a walker, FML :(“
Of course, I have digital voice for my landline so, if the Internet and cable providers go down, I won’t be able to call for help from my home phone, but at least I don’t have to rely on some whiz-bang-smarty pants phone to tell me what to do in an emergency. I can at least remember that instead of asking Siri what the number for 911 is.
Funny, makes me kind of miss that 100 foot mess of cord that I used to get tangled up in when I was a kid.
As far as mobile phones go, I rock an LG Cosmos provided by Verizon. Prior to that it was the ENV2 which is now a piss poor Game Boy since I couldn’t transfer the games I paid for to my new phone. And, before the ENV2 it was a standard LG flip phone. I don’t even remember the name of it. I didn’t want that first phone. In fact, I lobbied against getting a cell phone. I didn’t need to have one. If I wasn’t home for someone to contact me, it was by design. I was at work, or out and if someone needed to get a hold of me, they would have to wait. It was my wife who made me get a phone. She was worried about me driving to and from work on the back roads of Deer Central, Southwestern PA.
So, I begrudgingly got one and I barely used it for anything but a few calls and mostly pictures. I have a generous plan with a lot of minutes and hardly scratch the surface of those limits. Then, I started texting here and there and eventually had to get a text plan which consists of 250 texts per month at $5.00 per month. I barely reach half of that on a regular basis.
Then, I got a call from Verizon Wireless looking to upgrade me. They wanted to upgrade me to a smart phone, offer data plans, and do all these wonderful things for me. They said all this after they examined my account and saw that I hardly used what I had.
“OK, I see you have an LG Cosmos which came with your plan at no extra charge.”
“Yep.”
“We can upgrade you to one of our whiz-bang-smarty pants-phone made with a space age polymer and smells of strawberries. You can take pictures, text, use the internet, make a cartoon cat repeat everything you say in a cute voice, scan bar codes and find information that you didn’t care about before, search Google, make light saber noises and you can have it for $499 with a rebate of using it for a two year contract which makes it $99.00. Does that interest you?”
“Um, I’ve paid nothing for my phones since I started getting them, so, no.”
“OK, well, I see you use roughly 90 of your 550 minutes plan each month.”
“Yes, that sounds about right.”
“OK, here’s what I can do for you… We can upgrade you to that whiz bang phone that costs $99 and you get 700 anytime minutes for $69.99 for two lines. Does that interest you?”
“Um, no. I hardly call people now.”
“OK, well, let’s take a look at your data usage. You have 250 texts a month for $5.00. Of that, you use roughly 60 a month.”
“Yep, that’s pretty accurate.”
“You also have pay as you go MB usage of which you haven’t even used the Internet from your phone.
“Yeah, I don’t go onto the Internet from my phone.”
“OK, here’s what I can do for you. We can upgrade you to that whiz bang strawberry smelling phone and offer you unlimited texts and 2GB data allowance for $54.99 a month. Does that interest you?”
“Um, no. Look, you can see what I do with my phone now. Pretty much nothing. So, why would I pay more when I don’t do any of those things?”
“OK, understood. Thank you.”
Look, I understand that they are TRYING to sell me something. But, when you look at my account, which they do before they call me and SEE I’m not doing anything worthy of upgrading, there’s really no point in calling me, now is there? But then again, there’s no point in calling people, who are consistently going over their limits and paying a higher rate for the overages, to offer them savings. Because it’s more money in Verizon’s pocket.
Outbound calls are all about attracting new services and businesses, but there needs to be a smarter analysis of your existing customer base or you run the risk of alienating them more when you bother them with services that they clearly don’t even use that much. If you want to get someone into a higher bracket, examine the ones that maybe go over once in a while or come close to that overage. These are people that probably would entertain the idea of upping their plan in order to pay a little more but save a lot in the end. Don’t go after the little fish in the big pond. Go after the fish that is almost too big for his small pond and offer him a bigger pond where he is now the little fish once more.
But, this is why I probably would never make it in big business. I’m too concerned with the customers’ needs and not the shareholders’.
OK, now my rant. I’ve actually go on about some of this before… but that was REALLY doom and gloom stuff. This is a little more sarcastic.
Smart Phones are making us dumber. There was a time when having a mobile phone meant your parents had a rotary phone in the kitchen with a 100 foot tangled mess of cord attached to the handset. You could literally go into the garage and still be on the phone. After the wireless phone came into play, young kids could freely run through the house without the fear of being strangled by the cord that was stretched across the living room doorway.
Then we had pagers which sent us an alert to find a stationary landline to call whoever paged us. Cell phones that freed us up completely to communicate with anyone, anywhere, and at anytime. Eventually, texting became available. Now, we could have conversations without having to speak directly with someone. Email… for your phone. Human interaction became sterilized and devoid of emotion save for the few emoticons that litter the textual landscape of messages. Not content with having to be in front of a computer to surf the web or play games, phones began offering the ability to completely disconnect from reality… sometimes while driving.
We can now exist completely online with no human interaction at all. We can shop, learn, play, and communicate all from a phone. Moreover, there’s no need to even remember anything because our phones have access to the Internet. Phone numbers? That’s in my contacts. Useless facts about movies, sports, and history? You can now unload that from your brain because you can access it at a moment’s notice via your phone. We could lose all sense of direction because you can install an app that functions as a compass. And now, with the introduction of the iPhone 4S, we don’t even have to do any the searching for those things. We simply ask Siri, “What’s the capital of Iowa?” To which Siri should say, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you mean. Iowa doesn’t have a capital.” That’s a veiled Family Ties reference if you’re older than dirt, like me. Go ahead, use your smart phone to look that one up. I dare you.
Not only are smart phones making us dumber, they are allowing us to do dumber things, like texting and driving. Smart phones have turned us into lethal weapons out on the road. Even though it’s illegal, I see people every day in their cars texting while driving. It’s supposed to be bad to even be on a cell phone without a hands free device like a Blue Tooth. But I’ve seen police on cell phones all the time. Hell, I’ve come to a red light and sent off a quick text to a friend about a traffic snafu they may encounter.
Auto Correct not only makes us look like idiots because it sometimes throws in an inappropriate word during a conversation with our parents, it also frees us from having to know how to spell most words.
If you think about how much of our daily lives are impacted by the use of smart phones, it should scare the poop out of you to think about them all going away due to a catastrophic event like a terrorist attack or EMP discharge.
I’m surprised shows like The Walking Dead haven’t made a reference to the fact that cell phones are no longer around. There’s only one child on the show and he’s not a teenager, but think about all of those surviving teens and young adults out there who can’t text their BFF, “OMG, my mom is totally a walker, FML :(“
Of course, I have digital voice for my landline so, if the Internet and cable providers go down, I won’t be able to call for help from my home phone, but at least I don’t have to rely on some whiz-bang-smarty pants phone to tell me what to do in an emergency. I can at least remember that instead of asking Siri what the number for 911 is.
Funny, makes me kind of miss that 100 foot mess of cord that I used to get tangled up in when I was a kid.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Velocity Rapture
It could be, or it won’t.
Your mileage may vary.
Tomorrow, May 21st, 2011 is the supposed day of Judgment. The Rapture. The straight to video Kirk Cameron movie. Repent! Genuflect! Sashay! Turn, turn, ball change kick turn!
I for one look forward to the quickened commute I will face on Monday. Not to mention, everyday errands will be much easier to accomplish without the crowds. I would say that Black Friday would be a great experience except that it’s after the end of the world.
But what about the variables concerning this end of days prediction.
Will Australia spoil it for everyone else, since they’ll be first in line? Are we going to hit that magical number of 144,000 before they get to NYC? What about Samoa? They are changing the placement of the International Dateline.
What if you are aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour? Will you just vacate your space suit during an EVA or are your SOL because you chose to be away from the Earth when it’s time to be called in for the big dinner in the sky?
What about babies? If you aren’t baptized, are you sticking around? In a coma? Sleeping because you have the night shift? My wife kicks me when my alarm goes off and I don’t hear it. She’d be pissed if I wasn’t there and she had to roll over and turn it off herself.
How many people will call off on Monday only to find out that the Rapture didn’t come?
How many Catholic priests will still be in mass on Sunday? (Insert parting of hair jokes here.)
Those signs on the Parkway East that estimate travel time will go nuts. “Estimated Travel Time to SQ. Hill Tunnels: Zero Minutes”. Frankly, tomorrow would be the best time to hack into the signs and put something funny like, “Estimated Time To Rapture: 25 Minutes” (thanks to Lesley for that one.) Here's another great prank courtesy of Six Feet Under
In all seriousness, yet not, I feel bad for the people who really believe in this stuff. Tomorrow will be like their Great Pumpkin moment. They’ll be like the Cincinnati Bengals’ fans in December. Always close to the playoffs but never making it very far. I mean how would you feel if you gave up your job, your family, everything to go about preaching the end of the world coming only to find out some guy forgot to carry the one? I mean he’s already screwed up once in 1994.
Let’s face it. The bible is a good story. It was written by a bunch of people and much like today’s movies, they’ve rebooted the franchise numerous times. Supposedly, Moses wrote the first five books during the forty years that he wandered around in the wilderness. Should have been drawing a map. “That rock looks vaguely familiar.” But just like every culture, the story is changed to suit the purpose. Every religion has its own telling of creation and the apocalypse. Which one is right? The answer; all of them and none of them.
No one person got the story right and IMO that’s what it is, a story. Fantastical events occurred for everyday occurrences. With no knowledge of modern science they were chalked up to some sort of higher power. We have a world population of almost seven billion people but only 144,000 are getting saved. Surely, in the last 100 years there have been more than 144,000 righteous people born. What about them? Is there a name cutoff? Is there a lottery? Is there a reservation process?
So, Monday, I’ll be posting and the same amount of people that read today will be here. Well, that is unless you just don’t care.
And just in case I am wrong… I’m taking your stuff.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Zombies Love Walmart
Since reading the Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z, I often wondered where I would go during a zombie outbreak. Would I stay home and try to survive on what defenses I could muster or would I pack up the clan and head to a shelter. We all know both of those options lead to disaster from watching countless movies. Even going to the mall is risky, but I figured that, in this day and age, if the often thought yet really improbable ever happened I would just go to the one place that had everything for my survival, Walmart. 
Walmart has it all, food, weapons and supplies of all sorts. I could sack out there for awhile, using it as a shelter. I could survive on the food in the store while stocking up on medical supplies and weapons fom the sporting goods section. However, I have changed my thought process based on one reason and one reason only. Walmart would be open. If anyone believes otherwise, see here. Turns out, even in a flood, Walmart remains open. Debate on the nature of the staffing procedures during such a disaster are ever present. Were the employees asked to stay or forced to stay. Did they chose to stay or was there an unspoken rule that if they chose to go home, their jobs or at least their employment in good standing would be in jeopardy. The response from Walmart was "They chose to stay."
That means if there was a zombie outbreak, going to Walmart would only be an option if you really had shopping to do because it looks like they'll keep the doors open, even if undead hordes are advancing on the store. Nice work.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Doomsday Seed Vault Reaches 500k Samples Adds Burpee Section
I have yet to grow a successful garden in my yard. It could be the fact that I have four huge trees standing guard at the corners of my yard shielding it from most of the sunlight available. It could also be the fact that I just plain suck at growing things. That sound you just heard was my Father doing a facepalm over his son’s horticultural ineptitude.
But when I heard that the Svalbard Global Seed vault in the arctic region of Norway hit over half a million samples my mind started short circuiting. Could you imagine standing in the presence of all those seeds, carefully tucked away in four ply protective enclosures at a regulated temperature? I get a little sick standing at the Walmart Burpee seed section thinking about what species I could potentially wipe out of existence with my black thumb. I’ve done some experimenting over the years to try and correct my faults. Recently, I took the approach of putting a tomato plant in the bottom of a hanging basket and putting a couple basil plants on top. I figured the tomato plant would be able to grow down without the need of a stake and the basil would be a nice addition to the mix. I never grew one fruit but the basil did pretty well. I can also grow nice zucchini vines and flowers but never a damn zuc.
Anyway, the point of my story is not my gardening issues but this damn seed vault. How cool is that? Of course, it functions the way a backup server functions in a computer network. There are seed banks all over the place and this one is used for duplicates in the event of global or regional disasters affecting the primary ones, which have happened in the case of the Philippines one flooded from a typhoon in 2006. The one in Norway is supposedly able to withstand global warming, earthquakes, and nuclear strikes. We’re pretty two for three around the world these days on those types of disasters.
This got me to thinking, though. Usually in cases like this the fire department gets a preemptive alarm on my brain. Just follow the smoke. Actually, I’m sure there are safeguards in place for more than just seeds. But what if there aren’t. Think about it? In the bible, whether you choose to believe everything you read, Noah built an ark and herded two of all the animals of the world, and Kathy Lee Gifford onto his Noahwegian Cruise Ship and set sail for higher ground. Unfortunately, dragons, unicorns, fairies, and other “mythical” creatures were told the wrong time and were made extinct. Thank you, Robot Chicken. So, is there any kind of repository for animal species to be preserved in the event of a global disaster? Yeah, kind of… There are things called Frozen Zoos which hold DNA and genetic material thanks to groups like the Audubon Center for Research of Endangered Species. Think proactive Jurassic Park. They could theoretically revive species that become extinct.
Remember in high school when you learned about the Wonders of the Ancient World? Me neither. But there was a library in Alexandria that held some of the greatest works of ancient writings and it burnt down because Julius Caesar got a little carried away with matches. Kidding again. That’s a theory. Still, the destruction of the library caused a huge gap in written history. That was until Nicholas Cage found scrolls from it along with the Mason’s treasure vault underneath a church in New York City. Once again, kidding.
So, what about an indestructible vault for architectural drawings and concepts, medical procedures, music, writings, and other items of historical worth? Sure, you have the library of congress and my iPod but what if the attacks on 9/11 would have destroyed more than just a section of the Pentagon. What if the National Archives building were hit? Now, there may be some electronic repository for works of art or architecture that Bill Gates might have come up with but are you willing to expect future generations to recover the history of civilization while waiting for automatic updates to occur on Windows X? Or better yet, an update to the iTunes store. If we’re lucky a monolith will appear somewhere with a service patch that automatically upgrades us to the next version.
Let's put Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich in charge of the scenarios and in the event that some disaster does occur, and Al Gore will stand there saying I told you so, it would be nice to offer future generations a blueprint and set of tools to get civilization back up and running quicker than a millennium of incremental baby steps. My brother said, “We should start sticking stuff up on Mars…you know…before we move.” I told him we should think about the future and buy a franchise operation of an EZ Storage business and place it right between the Walmart and Starbucks. That’s a couple years away, at least. Maybe by then we’ll have a fix for social security, healthcare, and a better way for me to grow tomatoes in my yard. If I’m lucky I can swing by the Mars Walmart for some Burpee seeds, a Caramel Macchiato from Marsbucks and a copy of the National Audubon Society’s Guide To Better Growing. One can only hope.
Funny Footnotes
Mars-Evans City Storage
Mars does have a storage business. But the Starbucks and Walmart are miles away.
But when I heard that the Svalbard Global Seed vault in the arctic region of Norway hit over half a million samples my mind started short circuiting. Could you imagine standing in the presence of all those seeds, carefully tucked away in four ply protective enclosures at a regulated temperature? I get a little sick standing at the Walmart Burpee seed section thinking about what species I could potentially wipe out of existence with my black thumb. I’ve done some experimenting over the years to try and correct my faults. Recently, I took the approach of putting a tomato plant in the bottom of a hanging basket and putting a couple basil plants on top. I figured the tomato plant would be able to grow down without the need of a stake and the basil would be a nice addition to the mix. I never grew one fruit but the basil did pretty well. I can also grow nice zucchini vines and flowers but never a damn zuc.
Anyway, the point of my story is not my gardening issues but this damn seed vault. How cool is that? Of course, it functions the way a backup server functions in a computer network. There are seed banks all over the place and this one is used for duplicates in the event of global or regional disasters affecting the primary ones, which have happened in the case of the Philippines one flooded from a typhoon in 2006. The one in Norway is supposedly able to withstand global warming, earthquakes, and nuclear strikes. We’re pretty two for three around the world these days on those types of disasters.
This got me to thinking, though. Usually in cases like this the fire department gets a preemptive alarm on my brain. Just follow the smoke. Actually, I’m sure there are safeguards in place for more than just seeds. But what if there aren’t. Think about it? In the bible, whether you choose to believe everything you read, Noah built an ark and herded two of all the animals of the world, and Kathy Lee Gifford onto his Noahwegian Cruise Ship and set sail for higher ground. Unfortunately, dragons, unicorns, fairies, and other “mythical” creatures were told the wrong time and were made extinct. Thank you, Robot Chicken. So, is there any kind of repository for animal species to be preserved in the event of a global disaster? Yeah, kind of… There are things called Frozen Zoos which hold DNA and genetic material thanks to groups like the Audubon Center for Research of Endangered Species. Think proactive Jurassic Park. They could theoretically revive species that become extinct.
Remember in high school when you learned about the Wonders of the Ancient World? Me neither. But there was a library in Alexandria that held some of the greatest works of ancient writings and it burnt down because Julius Caesar got a little carried away with matches. Kidding again. That’s a theory. Still, the destruction of the library caused a huge gap in written history. That was until Nicholas Cage found scrolls from it along with the Mason’s treasure vault underneath a church in New York City. Once again, kidding.
So, what about an indestructible vault for architectural drawings and concepts, medical procedures, music, writings, and other items of historical worth? Sure, you have the library of congress and my iPod but what if the attacks on 9/11 would have destroyed more than just a section of the Pentagon. What if the National Archives building were hit? Now, there may be some electronic repository for works of art or architecture that Bill Gates might have come up with but are you willing to expect future generations to recover the history of civilization while waiting for automatic updates to occur on Windows X? Or better yet, an update to the iTunes store. If we’re lucky a monolith will appear somewhere with a service patch that automatically upgrades us to the next version.
Let's put Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich in charge of the scenarios and in the event that some disaster does occur, and Al Gore will stand there saying I told you so, it would be nice to offer future generations a blueprint and set of tools to get civilization back up and running quicker than a millennium of incremental baby steps. My brother said, “We should start sticking stuff up on Mars…you know…before we move.” I told him we should think about the future and buy a franchise operation of an EZ Storage business and place it right between the Walmart and Starbucks. That’s a couple years away, at least. Maybe by then we’ll have a fix for social security, healthcare, and a better way for me to grow tomatoes in my yard. If I’m lucky I can swing by the Mars Walmart for some Burpee seeds, a Caramel Macchiato from Marsbucks and a copy of the National Audubon Society’s Guide To Better Growing. One can only hope.
Funny Footnotes
Mars-Evans City Storage
Mars does have a storage business. But the Starbucks and Walmart are miles away.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Are You Ready For the Zombie Apocalypse?
Warning! I am obligated to mention that this article is solely for entertainment purposes. As far as I know there is no Zombie Apocalypse at this time. Were this indeed a Zombie Crisis, the usual sarcastic piece you are about to enjoy would be replaced with actual instructions for you to follow in order to survive. This is only a post…
Now, I’ve thought long and hard about a potential zombie movie as has probably any novice filmmaker in the Southwestern Pennsylvania area. We are home to the Evans City Cemetery and Monroeville Mall, which were locations for Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, respectively. Pretty much every zombie movie deals with an infection back story and subsequent breakdown in society. Survivors make costly mistakes that lead to further infection and reanimation and usually zombies are great for moral object lessons about society.
Zombies? Future societies? Give me a break, it’s science fiction.
Now, back to the idea about a television show. With the success of such shows like LOST and Heroes relying on a core cast of characters who are basically damaged goods and through flashbacks and metaphorical storytelling, we get a slow reveal, solving some central mystery that keeps the show moving for a few seasons. The same would go for a zombie series. You have a core group of survivors who come together to live in some microcosm of society whether it be a shopping mall, isolated island, or whatever, and through a series of character centric episodes you find out how they survived they outbreak and how they figure into the overall show. Were they fairly skilled with a weapon? Did they cower in a corner until it was safe to run? Did they sacrifice innocent people for their own safety? Are they the one who broke the world? When you’re dealing with heightened tensions and close quarters, trust is a hard thing to come by and sometimes the monsters may not always be reanimated corpses.
As the show progresses, attempts to find a cure present themselves and like shows about displaced characters ala Gilligan’s Island or Land of the Lost, rescue or escape is usually within fingers grasp only to be snatched away. Following believable scenarios survivors attempt to restore society, reclaim territory, defeat insurgency much like a real war, or at least like Red Dawn or Jericho. You’re talking about a very tech heavy society being reduced to coconut radios. I think it’s a fascinating character study. Civilian versus Military rule, run and hide versus stand and fight tactics, and can-you-shoot-a-loved-one-who-is-infected-but-not-turned questions of moral/religious/survival ethics play out over the course of the show.
Shows like LOST, Heroes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and True Blood have proven that audiences are willing to watch shows with fantastical and even horror elements central to the plot. It’s the compelling storytelling and character development that drives the bus and people are willing to get on board if you treat them like intelligent human beings. Not everyone wants a reality show. Now, to truly do a show, about the living dead, justice, you would have to produce it on a pay cable channel like HBO or Showtime, complete with some gore and adult language. I mean who, in their right mind would say, “Oh darn, a zombie” if faced with a shambling corpse in their path? No. They would be, “What the F***?!?” at least three times before the notion to run would hit them. As much as I like FX network’s edgier shows like The Shield and Rescue Me, this kind of thing needs to be able to exist in a real sense. Don’t pander for ratings. Shows like True Blood and Deadwood have proven popular and profitable, even with a reduced audience. Besides, there doesn’t have to be a decomposing zombie or horribly gruesome death on screen every episode. The overall arc of the show is about survival in a changed society. Zombies are just the catalyst.
Don’t Panic!
Ok, panic…just a little. It’s inevitable. Let it in for five minutes and then focus. The best strategy is to ready yourself ahead of time, but if you can’t the second best strategy is to keep a cool head while others panic.
Be Prepared or At Least Be Smart.
No one is ready truly ready for this kind of thing. However, you know how some people tell you to be prepared for a recession or unemployment? It’s an always moving target but the last one I read said that you should have nine months worth of salary saved up in case of an emergency. Anyway, who really has nine months worth of salary saved up, not to mention, who thinks that money is going to matter if there is a true breakdown in society. We’re going to be reduced to a goods vs. services level of economic value. Can you grow food? Can you hunt? Can you build shelters? No one cares if you can run a bank. They’re more concerned if you can handle a hammer or a hoe.
Stock up on the essentials - Not everything can go with you, so be smart on what you take.
Now, I’ve thought long and hard about a potential zombie movie as has probably any novice filmmaker in the Southwestern Pennsylvania area. We are home to the Evans City Cemetery and Monroeville Mall, which were locations for Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, respectively. Pretty much every zombie movie deals with an infection back story and subsequent breakdown in society. Survivors make costly mistakes that lead to further infection and reanimation and usually zombies are great for moral object lessons about society.
My own movie would actually start after the outbreak and pickup with a survivor, kind of like I am Legend and would detail what happened but it would run two parallel stories about our protagonist and patient zero as their destinies intertwine leading to them both being cryogenically frozen and thawed out a thousand years into the future when society has rebounded and eradicated the threat. Of course, arrogance would rear its ugly head and instead of listening to the protagonist and destroying the zombiesicle, it reanimates and starts the infection all over again. Since this new society is devoid of any historical information about what had happened, they are FUBARed.
Get your own BRAINS shirt
from Mongo Angy! Mongo Smash! on cafepress.
Strange we can believe in.
Zombies? Future societies? Give me a break, it’s science fiction.
Now, back to the idea about a television show. With the success of such shows like LOST and Heroes relying on a core cast of characters who are basically damaged goods and through flashbacks and metaphorical storytelling, we get a slow reveal, solving some central mystery that keeps the show moving for a few seasons. The same would go for a zombie series. You have a core group of survivors who come together to live in some microcosm of society whether it be a shopping mall, isolated island, or whatever, and through a series of character centric episodes you find out how they survived they outbreak and how they figure into the overall show. Were they fairly skilled with a weapon? Did they cower in a corner until it was safe to run? Did they sacrifice innocent people for their own safety? Are they the one who broke the world? When you’re dealing with heightened tensions and close quarters, trust is a hard thing to come by and sometimes the monsters may not always be reanimated corpses.
As the show progresses, attempts to find a cure present themselves and like shows about displaced characters ala Gilligan’s Island or Land of the Lost, rescue or escape is usually within fingers grasp only to be snatched away. Following believable scenarios survivors attempt to restore society, reclaim territory, defeat insurgency much like a real war, or at least like Red Dawn or Jericho. You’re talking about a very tech heavy society being reduced to coconut radios. I think it’s a fascinating character study. Civilian versus Military rule, run and hide versus stand and fight tactics, and can-you-shoot-a-loved-one-who-is-infected-but-not-turned questions of moral/religious/survival ethics play out over the course of the show.
Shows like LOST, Heroes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and True Blood have proven that audiences are willing to watch shows with fantastical and even horror elements central to the plot. It’s the compelling storytelling and character development that drives the bus and people are willing to get on board if you treat them like intelligent human beings. Not everyone wants a reality show. Now, to truly do a show, about the living dead, justice, you would have to produce it on a pay cable channel like HBO or Showtime, complete with some gore and adult language. I mean who, in their right mind would say, “Oh darn, a zombie” if faced with a shambling corpse in their path? No. They would be, “What the F***?!?” at least three times before the notion to run would hit them. As much as I like FX network’s edgier shows like The Shield and Rescue Me, this kind of thing needs to be able to exist in a real sense. Don’t pander for ratings. Shows like True Blood and Deadwood have proven popular and profitable, even with a reduced audience. Besides, there doesn’t have to be a decomposing zombie or horribly gruesome death on screen every episode. The overall arc of the show is about survival in a changed society. Zombies are just the catalyst.
Getting back to the idea of a collapse in society, here are a few things that are essential. Now, Max Brooks' outlines a lot of steps based on the severity of the emergency from a local to disturbance all the way to complete and utter apocalypse. As I read the book I saw parallels between his topic of choice and the possibilities for social breakdown in today's reality. Look, you're just going to have to go with me on this.
Get your own Zombie Food Pyramid shirt from
Mongo Angy! Mongo Smash! on cafepress.
Don’t Panic!
Ok, panic…just a little. It’s inevitable. Let it in for five minutes and then focus. The best strategy is to ready yourself ahead of time, but if you can’t the second best strategy is to keep a cool head while others panic.
Be Prepared or At Least Be Smart.
No one is ready truly ready for this kind of thing. However, you know how some people tell you to be prepared for a recession or unemployment? It’s an always moving target but the last one I read said that you should have nine months worth of salary saved up in case of an emergency. Anyway, who really has nine months worth of salary saved up, not to mention, who thinks that money is going to matter if there is a true breakdown in society. We’re going to be reduced to a goods vs. services level of economic value. Can you grow food? Can you hunt? Can you build shelters? No one cares if you can run a bank. They’re more concerned if you can handle a hammer or a hoe.
Get your own Zombey Road shirt from
Mongo Angy! Mongo Smash! on cafepress.
Stock up on the essentials - Not everything can go with you, so be smart on what you take.
- Dry Goods (Flour, Sugar, grains) If you have the essential components to make dishes, you can live awhile. Watch Survivor and see how they live.
- Non perishable items - If you have to ask, check with local food banks that accept donations, copy them.
- Water – Portable containers with plain old water. You can always run some from your tap if you don’t have the ability to buy bottled.
- Mixes – While you probably won’t be making a cake. Simple bread mixes or drink mixes can give you a bit of luxury in your now meager surroundings. Just remember, expiration dates are a bad thing.
- Utensils and plates – Keep a separate set of cooking and eating utensils in your shelter. Depending on the nature of the catastrophe, your usual silverware may no longer safe. While you can stock up on disposable flatware and containers, remember waste has to go somewhere. Styrofoam plates aren’t that washable and garbage pickup might be delayed a few….years.
- Games and Magazines – There’s no reason why you should go stir crazy while waiting out the worst. Playing cards and board games may help to break up the monotony and keep your sanity in check. Reading material can also keep your mind sharp. Now may be a good time to take up Sudoku.
- Toiletries – Does your shelter have adequate facilities or should you pack hip waiters? Remember, space is at a premium, so the less waste the better. Toiler paper is okay to have but be sensible when it comes to brand and ply. If you have plumbing in your shelter, that’s great, but remember that in a total collapse of society, simple utilities like running water and waste management may be limited.
- Communication – Cell phones are nice but if the providers are gone or the cell towers aren’t working you are out of luck. Walkie Talkies are still useful in this situation. Also, make sure you’ve got plenty of batteries for radios, lanterns, and any other devices that may come in handy.
- Power – If you were one of the suckers that bought a Y2K generator. Convinced that the year 2000 would usher in a new dark age, you may still get the last laugh. If you have a good supply of gasoline or can get to some, you can keep the lights on for awhile. Just remember, in the event of a zombie outbreak or any other collapse of society, you may not want to advertise that you have power. Conserve fuel and only use power for essentials.
Speak Softly and Carry a Big Boomstick
If a zombie outbreak were truly to occur you might find yourself the center of attention, depending on your surroundings. If you are the kind of person that can handle leadership and decision making, you might be perfect to rescuing and sheltering survivors. If you aren’t, then either follow or get out of the way. The same would go for any disastrous event. If you brag to the neighbor about having a bomb shelter and years of supplies, you may have a knock on your door when the sirens start wailing. Is that okay with you? Now, of course, you want to ensure the safety of friends and family. Perhaps you already have a Dick Van Dyke inspired escape plan in place if there is ever a fire in your home. Let’s think of this as an escape plan on a bigger scale. Does your family have property, like a camp that could be a meeting place in case of emergency? Does someone in your family have the means to shelter numerous extended family should a crisis arise? Is this public knowledge to Nebby Nancy next door?
As long as civil services like police, fire, and military forces are still operating you shouldn’t have to worry about an immediate plan of action. If a hurricane were predicted to hit, you may want to have somewhere to meet up at a safe distance away from danger and just ride out the event. However, if you find yourself in a national crisis, you may want to make sure steps are taken to ensure the safety of your loved ones. When panic hits the streets it’s easy to get caught up in other people’s problems. Are you able to separate yourself for the sake of survival or is every little lost dog your problem? Speaking of animals, what about your pets? I have pets and they are like family. I couldn’t leave them behind so I would have to take steps to transport and shelter them in the event of an emergency.
Now, let’s say the initial wave of terror has begun in earnest. If you’ve taken precautionary measures then you can ride out the first wave and reassess the situation at a later time. If you aren’t prepared and a crisis hits unexpectedly, you’ll need supplies. As I stated before, with civil services still operating it’s best not to become a nuisance. They’re going to have enough on their hands without having to deal with you looting the local Wal-Mart. If your plan is to take care of your own and not raise awareness, then keep yourself off the radar and just get what you need. If you go guns blazing into the store and start declaring manifest destiny you better be prepared to fight your way out. If it were a zombie outbreak, stealth is a big ally. You don’t want to draw attention to your location or lead a group of living dead back to your base of operations.
Same rules apply for other emergencies. There are certain types of people in this world when dealing with a crisis, those who are prepared and those who aren’t and will try and take by force what they want or need. While it is probably necessary to arm and defend yourself if the need should arise, be sure that you don’t put yourself into bad situations.
- Weapons – Do you have the right kind? Can you use them properly? Will there be enough for your group and situation? Do you trust them?
- Guns are nice but require ammo and proper usage. How many times have people died because of stupidity or carelessness?
- Blades are easy to carry but require close quarters to be effective.
- Long handled weapons or tools serve dual purposes but they require closer quarters combat and enough strength to be effective.
- Safety – If firearms are your weapon of choice do you have what it keep yourself and others safe? You’ve got the guns but where is the ammo? Probably not a best practice to keep it all in one place. If you become cut off from your supply you’re screwed. Worse yet, if some kind of accident involving fire or an incendiary device should occur near your storage you could have a bigger problem than intruders.
- Trust – If you have multiple people in your party, whether they be friend of family, can you trust them? Maybe you shouldn’t give the manic depressive a gun. You might find yourself together for a very long time. If society has gone bye-byes make sure your most level headed companions are in charge of the weapons.
- Time To Go - Your fortification may become compromised. You may have outgrown your surroundings. Perhaps it’s time to poke your head out and see what’s going on in the world. If you must abandon your base, make sure you pack up all your essentials. As I stated before, your shelter should be ready to pack and go at a moment’s notice like military units. Some field survival manuals might give you some good tips on best practices. Just like normal everyday life, turn out all the lights and extinguish any fires. You might be able to return. And in case normal, everyday amenities aren't restored to working condition yet, a leftover supply of fuel or power could be useful.
Again, if this is not a national or global crisis and civil services are still operating, don’t assume you can just squat anywhere. The more fair players on the field the better the officiating. If you piss off enough people you may find yourself incarcerated. If things should escalate or progress to full Armageddon you’ll be behind bars with no one to come get you.
Now the odds that something disastrous would occur that would require you take extreme measures is highly unlikely. The odds that you could find yourself without power, water, or other utilities due to weather or human forces is more plausible. You don’t have to be Rambo or those guys North Dakota bomb shelters, but a bit of forethought or planning for an emergency can mean the difference between riding out a rough patch with enough clean food and water to last a few days, and using your phone book to heat a small room in your house while wearing all of your clothes at once.
However, if the zombies do come. I’m going to the mall and I’m taking The Zombie Survival Guide with me.
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