No Class Nation Tour

Don’t blame Kenny Chesney, Pittsburgh, and don’t ban him either.  Don’t blame anyone but those involved.   The mess during and after the No Shoes Nation Tour does not rest solely on Chesney.    He did not personally tell people to go to the venue, days before in some instances, and wreck the joint.  He did litter the parking lot of Heinz Field with trash.  He did not drink heavily and get into fights in the parking lot.

You did.  And by you, I mean people in the parking lot, at the event, on the water, wherever.   The issue with this kind of mess is not that we have a concert in the summer.   Pittsburgh has turned the corner from burnt out steel town.   It has topped many “Best City For…”  lists, nauseatingly, the last few years.  It has become a technology hub.  It has gone from being only about The Steelers, The Penguins, and The Pirates, to being about the cultural and the artistic.  

Pittsburgh has been given an overhaul, boasting many new venues for events.  In the last few years, Stage AE has proven to be a great location for concerts.  The old Trib Total  Media Amphitheater was demolished and is now Highmark  Stadium, built entirely with private funds and home to the Riverhounds and concerts.    We have The Rex, which has been around since 1905, the Consol Arena, A.J. Palumbo, The Benedum, Heinz Hall, Byham, the new Arcade Comedy Theater.  The list grows every year.   

And yes, we have Heinz Field and we have Starlake Pavilion for our bigger concerts  Yes, they draw large crowds.  Yes there is tailgating.   Yes, there can be a mess.   No, it’s not acceptable.

The problem is that banning one act will cascade into a series of stymieing commerce and cultural into the area.   This year, it’s Kenny Chesney, next year it could Jimmy Buffet.  Hell, it could be a Cleveland, Baltimore, or Cincinnati game.    Any number of events could result in the ridiculousness that took place this past weekend.   But, I remind you, this is also the town that started couch fires in Oakland and turned the South Side into an area of bedlam after championship sporting events.   You wouldn’t dare blame The Steelers or The Penguins for that would you?

We all want to have nice things, but there needs to be some accountability.   There was no earthly reason for there to be tailgaters at that concert as early as they were.  Boaters arrived days before.   The combination of early drinking, hot  temperatures, and natural tendencies to do bad things when affected by both led to a majority of the issues.  On the whole, they amounted to a small percentage of the total number of people on site.   Yet, everyone loves to bitch and complain when something wrinkles their upturned nose.   Soon petitions came out wanting to ban Chesney from playing Pittsburgh.  Why? 

Ban tailgating.  Ban early admission to the lots.  Increase policy enforcement of “on the books” laws against disorderly conduct and public intoxication.  Increase the availability of trash receptacles.  Increase awareness.    Police each other.   Pick something other than the thing that brings money into the city.

I’ve heard that had this been a Steelers game it would never have been that bad.   Well, who is to say?  Chances are, the same result would have happened, a clean lot the next day.   Yet, you can be sure that diehard fans with season ticket holders and a modicum of respect for their team and venue would probably do their part to inform the rest of the tailgaters to “PICK UP YO SHIT.”

But don’t start Facebook groups bitching about it.    That should be banned.

Why Are We Still Here

A couple of stories I read during my lunch make me weep for our society.

The first one was Teens in Dallas Mall under age of 17 must be accompanied by parent after 6pm.

I understand I am in the cranky old man demographic now and this would be of great benefit to me when I go to the mall. In fact, I’ve seen firsthand how bad it can be in the evening when I’ve gone to the mall and it’s just a sea of underage humanity, taking up all of the tables in the food court or spanning the entire hallway with their baggy pants, slow gait attitude.

However, how bad is it as a society when we have to start policing the food court and begin asking kids for their ID to see if they should be there? Isn’t that a bit much? Malls aren’t what they used to be. They aren’t the shining beacon of escapism that Tiffany sang in or Robin Sparkles sang about with mucho gusto. They aren’t even as great as what Kevin Smith waxed nostalgic about in Mallrats.

The Internet has pretty much made regular brick and mortar stores inside the mall a thing of the past. Regular department stores in shopping centers, like Walmart or Target still have an impact because they have dedicated entrances and locations that aren’t hard to get to like the Hot Topic on the first level of the mall which ends up on the opposite side of the Earth from where you parked in negative gajillion Kelvin. Besides, teens usually don’t hang out in Walmart or Target for fun.

Malls need business. They need customers. Most kids don’t have a great opportunity to do any shopping until after 4pm due to school. So, why would cut them off from being able to have access to the stores two hours later?

I know. I know. Most kids aren’t at the mall to spend money. They’re there to waste time. So, has the mall in question done the research to see what moneys are being spent by kids under the age of 17 during the hours of 6:00PM and 9:00PM? Or, are they simply identifying a nuisance and eliminating it based on customer complaints.

Again, I understand why the mall is doing it. I understand how frustrating it is to be in the mall when this is occurring. I also understand that this is America and I shouldn’t have to show my papers when I’m in the mall for legitimate reasons.

How so? OK, most malls that have Internal movie theater chains use the interiors of the mall to gain access as well as external entrances. So, I’m a 16 year old and my friend and I go to a 4pm showing of the Hunger Games which ends close to 8pm. We’re hungry… LOL. Something about the movie’s title makes me hungry for food. So, we leave the movie and head to the food court. We get stopped by Paul Blart who asks to see our ID. Because we are under 17 or under, we are told to skedaddle and go back to the clubhouse. Mall loses food revenue and future business from us and all our friends as we Tweet, post on Facebook, and text everyone about what happened. Was that the best way to handle things?

Example two. I’m 18 and don’t have a driver’s license because I took out a bus full of nuns after running over the driving instructor’s foot. My mom drops me off at the mall and I do my shopping in the book store to grab a copy of Driving for Dummies. Paul Blart stops me because I look to be under 17. I say I’m 18 and he asks me for my ID. I don’t have one and immediately have a flashback seeing habits flying hither and fro. I can’t prove I’m 18, so Blart kicks me out. Great job mall, tomorrow, I’m returning the book and never coming back.
The other story that had me scratching my nugget was a NJ town that has started handing out fines to people texting while jaywalking.

REALLY? Ticketing pedestrians for texting while walking? Are we that stupid of a society that we need to be policed to this extent? Is Darwin facepalming in his grave over how technologically savvy yet logically inept we’ve become? Well…it is New Jersey.

Come on, people. I’m not siding with the pedestrians. Yet, I am not siding with law enforcement officials. This is a completely ridiculous attempt at getting money. How do you enforce it? What if I’m trying to dial someone or play Angry Birds? What if I wasn’t texting at all? Once again, invasion of privacy to reveal my phone log history.

And… they want to try to enforce it in other places, like New York City. Can you imagine how many people would be found guilty? There are probably hundreds of thousands of people walking the streets of NYC texting or using their phones for legitimate business purposes.  Are you going to ticket them all?  Does NYC have enough police force to handle the load? 

It's time people start being responsible for their own actions.  Otherwise, why let them have a mobile device or leave the house?  It's obvious some people cannot handle technology or simple actions like walking and chewing gum at the same time.  Why should people who are perfectly capable of doing certain things without incident be punished because some idiots can't make it from point A to point B without being nailed by a car?

Just imagine, a 16 year old gets kicked out of the mall and then gets hit by a car while trying to shop online with their cell phone because they weren't allowed in the mall after 6PM.   

Ridiculous.

Why are we still here?  How have we not inadvertently blown ourselves up or died out from stupidity?  Is technology our giant meteor?  The one that crashes into the planet and extinguishes all life could be the size of a Blackberry.   Smarten up people, before I have to go back to my flip phone that only plays Snakes and can take pictures.

WUMF: January 2012 Edition

Happy end of the month. That means it’s time for another thrilling installment of WUMF!

I started this bit last year as a way to kind of wrap up the little things that happened throughout the month that don’t normally make it into the regular posts. Of course, that is hard to do because that means I have to remember stuff. It’s not like I could write it down. That requires planning and organization and it really throws off my chaotic mess of a life.

That being said, I give WUMF for what I can remember about January.

S#!t My Kid Says
People tell me I could write a book just based on the stuff my daughter says in everyday situations. I don’t think I could exploit her like that for profit. I mean there are so many other good ways to exploit her for profit that I hate to narrow it down to just one medium. I don’t know. Maybe t-shirts. Lolkid? Hmmm.

Anyway, this past weekend, for some reason, my four year old was enthralled with how the toilet works.  She asked, "What's in there?" pointing to the tank.  So, I explained that was where the water comes from in order to cause the toilet to flush and how the water line works and fills the tank back up.  I also showed her how the water shuts off all by itself.

Her response?  "Wow, the potty is soooo cool!"

Traffic Woe #458
We had a landslide on the Parkway East right before the West bound entrance to the Squirrel Hill Tunnels. It happened after or at the end of morning rush hour and they cleaned it up pretty good by 4PM so that both lanes were flowing. Yet, traffic heading East bound through the tunnel grind to a screeching halt. Why? WTAE Channel 4 news vans were parked outside the tunnel with tripods set up.

Did commuters think they would see Sally Wiggin out there? Are we that sad as a society that the local news anchors are that big of a celebrity that we have to grind traffic to a screeching halt because we may catch a glimpse of them? Don’t get me wrong, I’d feel a little star struck if I actually met Sally. Hell, I felt a bit in awe of meeting Jennifer Miele outside a restaurant and my wife knew her growing up. Still, is that a real reason to slow down afternoon traffic. Look, if you want to see the news, hurry home and you can catch it on television.

All Star/Pro Games
Can we all just agree that these are a joke and hold no real value. I mean, other than getting to see your favorite player if you don’t get to see them on a regular basis because they play in a different city than you is the only real reason to watch. It can’t be to see an actual sporting event because nobody does anything. The defense might as well not even show up at the NHL and NFL versions because it’s not like they are supposed to actually do anything to stop the score from being a zillion to a gajillion. (I’m still working with the Math kings to get that into an actual number.) And the voting process is crap for all of them. Four Ottawa Senators playing?

It seems like the only game that holds any meaning is the MLB All Star game because the winning side (AL/NL) gets home field advantage in the World Series. I think they need to make these games more enjoyable. How about like Rock and Jock was back in the 90s. Obstacles, like cows, out in the field that you have to maneuver around. For the NFL? What about something along the lines of American Gladiators style competitions. NBA? How about a big ole game of HORSE or two on two games. Maybe even take it back to the old Bird/Jordan commercials and do shots from the stands or ridiculous bank shots.

Something, people! Come on!

Home Renovations
I bought a new light for above the vanity over Christmas. I finally got it up and running. The explanation requires more than a paragraph so be on the lookout for that fiasco and more home improvements, coming soon.

Stay Excellent!

2011 D-Bag Awards: Nominations

It’s that time of the year again. It’s the 2011 Mongo, Angry! Mongo Smash! D-Bag Awards. This is the round up of all the best d-bags of the year which culminates in the presenting of the Golden D-bag Award (fictional, of course) to one not so proud recipient.

Last year, it was almost in the bag for the Grim Reaper, himself but BP pulled ahead thanks to an environmental disaster and all around mucking up of the aftermath. Still, Death shows he’s a competitor as he comes back for another year as a probable finalist. While BP fires only a single d-bag worthy shot with a claim that Halliburton destroyed evidence from the Gulf Oil Spill. Nice try BP, but we’ll hope you can do more to represent your place in d-bag history next year.

So, here are the categories and the nominees. Each post will be a basic rehash of reasons why they are nominated culminating in a declaration of the winner. The winner from each bracket will go on to face each other in a battle royale for d-b supremacy.

Wannabe Celebrity (Reality D-bags) – In this category, folks who have made a lasting d-bag impact on the Internet or those who have tried to become a celebrity for lack of a better reason than to land themselves in the lineup of the nominations here will duke it out for a chance to go bags deep against the other bracket winners.

And the nominees are:

• Courtney Stodden
• The Kardashians
• Brooke Mueller
• Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino

Celebrity – They’re famous for being infamous across movies, television, and music. Pop Culture will cry in a corner for years to come.

And the nominees are:

• Chris Brown
• Charlie Sheen
• Lindsay Lohan
• Brett Ratner

Business – If I could name them all and fit them on the ballet, I would. Simply put, they make up the 99% of the d-bags in this world, but alas I had to narrow it down to four.

And the nominees are:

• NetFlix
• Bank of America
• PayPal
• Retail Industry

Sports as a Business – The individuals are pretty bad. However, the companies and brands behind them are simply baggerific.

And the nominees are:

• The NBA
• The NFL
• The Pittsburgh Pirates
• PSU

Sports People – These folks made a name for themselves being douchebags in the realm of sports.

And the nominees are:

• Jim Tressel
• Jerry Sandusky
• Jerry Meals
• Roger Goodell

D-bags That Have Affected People - OK, this one is a bit of a potpourri of d-bags. I couldn’t find anyway else to slice it so these folks were d-bags to people’s lives and property.

And the nominees are:

• Mother Nature
• Death
• Vancouver Stanley Cup Rioters
• John Pike

News/Media D-Bags - These D-Bags are a part of the fabric of our culture.   They haunt the Internet, the checkout aisles, our televisions, and our phone conversations.

And the nominees are:

• Julian Assange Mark Madden
• Rupert Murdoch
• Old Spice
• Perez Hilton

Update: Mark Madden was substituted in for Julian Assange who was originally nominated last year for the Wikileaks scandal.  My bad. 

 Let's get ready to rumble!

Lions and Tigers and Bears in Ohio

What the hell is going on in Ohio?  Yesterday, the town of Zanesville, OH went into lock down because exotic animals were roaming the town.  There were wolves, a giraffe, and monkeys running amok.  Due to the lateness in the day and uninsured results from tranquilizers, the police force were ordered to shoot the animals if necessary.  Carson Palmer is probably glad he got traded.  Otherwise he might have been put down, too.   Efforts by news media to not quote The Wizard of Oz were strained, at best.  And at the moment, there is still a monkey on the loose.  A monkey that was said to have herpes is out there running around, hanging around bars and trying to pick up loose women.

Jumanji Stampede

Turns out, the owner of the animals was just released from prison about a month ago, his wife left him, he was worried that pending laws were going to force him to have to sell his animals, and he decided that his only recourse was to shoot himself and then unlock all the cages before succumbing to his self inflicted wound.

I smell a conspiracy.

The Army of the 12 Monkeys Did It

Electronic signs on the highway warned people of exotic animals on the loose, don’t stop, stay in your car.  Could you imagine driving through Ohio on business and seeing this?  You would have thought two jackasses hacked the signs like they did in  North Carolina a few years ago.

And let’s think about this guy for a second.   He’s been under scrutiny before because of his animals.  There is a rumor that he was using some of the exotic animals for wild game hunting.  So, he deserved to have the animals taken away from him.  But this was turning out to be a bad country song.  “I just got out of prison, my wife left me, and the 'gubment' is taking away my tiger.  I wish I would die.”  So, fine, go off yourself and leave instructions for the animals to be moved to appropriate facilities.   Don’t shoot yourself and then wreak havoc by letting wild animals loose in suburbia.

And how the hell did the monkey get herpes?!?!?   Better yet, how did they know it had it?

One Burbon, One Scotch, One Beer, and Three Sippie Cups

This post contains 43% sarcasm by volume.

Trends in life, like the movies, tend to happen in groups. In 1981, we had three movies about werewolves with The Howling, American Werewolf in London, and Wolfen. This was nearly three decades before Jacob Black was a thought in the minds of tweeners. Then, in 1989, we had three underwater disaster movies; The Abyss, Deep Star Six and Leviathan. While The Abyss was clearly the better of the three films, you see that Hollywood tries to mimic itself in order to up the returns. The same thing happened with other disaster movies in the 90s. We had Deep Impact and Armageddon. There was Volcano and Dante’s Peak. There was The Thin Red Line and Saving Private Ryan, both featuring all star casts.

The same thing seems to happen in real life, especially this year. We’ve had multiple reports of air traffic controllers sleeping on the job and my personal favorite, neighborhood family friendly Americanized ethnic restaurants serving alcohol to kids.

Now, apart from Applebees being a more American based menu, the Olive Garden and Chili’s tend to lean towards Italian and Southwest Tex-Mex style cuisine, respectively. Yet, regardless of the menu, the servers seem to think that kids should be enjoying the over sized alcoholic drinks. If Chi-Chi’s was still around that would have been your ethnic food trifecta.

This is where I feel the need to take a stand. This is an outrage. Everyone needs to understand that giving alcohol to kids in restaurants is a serious offense. Giving alcohol to children begins in the home.

It starts on your daddy’s lap. I remember my dad giving me a sip of Budweiser while I was upon his knee at an early age. It was horrible. I think because of that experience, I never developed a taste for beer. Perhaps by exposing me at an early age, I was demystified by beer.  Maybe it was just that Budweiser tasted horrible.  I can't decide.

I tolerated it in college because it was cheaper than the whisky drink I would have preferred. My own child has had her share of sips from her pappy’s beer, Miller Light in this instance. But you see, today it’s OK for restaurants to ‘accidentally’ give alcohol to kids and get away with it.  If parents sue the restaurant for blatant mistakes, they are check chasers.  Yet, 40 years ago, you could be kicked out of establishments for giving your own kid a sip of your drink.

For once, I’m not talking about me. No, I wasn’t even a thought when my father got the family kicked out of Lum’s restaurant for giving my brother a sip of his beer. Just goes to show you how much things have changed and how more relaxed the drinking stigmas have gotten.

Soon, we’ll see a little league baseball team heading over to a T.G.I. Fridays for shots after they beat their division rivals at T-ball.

Drink up, kiddies.

Print Is Dead

PRINT IS DEAD

That’s what Egon Spengler said to receptionist Janine Melnitz in Ghostbusters. This was 1984. It was almost a decade away from the age of the Internet. Yet, what Egon says is probably true. Print is dead.

It’s a bit sad, if you ask me. On one hand, I grew up despising the chore of reading. I read as little as possible. Whenever we would have to go to the library in grade school and check out a book, I would always check out a book about drawing or a Peanuts comic strip collection or I would continually check out the same juvenile books that involved anthropomorphic fruit or vegetables. I never read them. I was just going through the motions. Eventually, I was called on the carpet by the librarian, who asked why I continually checked out the same book. ‘What an invasion of privacy,’ I thought. From then on, I would pick random books to check out and then leave them in my book bag to be returned later. By junior high, I was dead set against reading and even made up a few book reports on what I thought the book should have been like. By high school, I had forgone reading unless I had to.

Sorry, but I was always a more visually inclined person. It’s kind of contradicting to my nature of wanting to be a writer, or even an actor, when I grew up. There’s plenty of reading to be done by actors and there is even more so to be done by writers, I imagine.

I ended up growing out of that aversion to reading and have done more reading in my 30s than I probably did during my school years. Still, I have to be in the mood to read. Meanwhile, my wife clips along through books, mostly paranormal romantic fiction, at a quickened pace.

The one thing I do remember fondly, as a child, was that there was always a morning paper in our house. Actually, there were at least two; The Daily Courier and The Herald Standard. My parents would sit at breakfast and read the paper every day. Hell, for seven years, I delivered The Daily Courier. When I started my first real job out of college, I read the paper, too. Granted, it was the USA Today that was left outside the doors of the guests at the hotel, where I worked. Mostly, I read the Life section and a few of the front page stories, ending my morning bagel on the Crossword Puzzle, which I always did in pen.

However, nowadays, I don’t read the paper. I don’t even get a paper at my house. Yet, I realized that every morning I perform the same ritual as my parents did all those years ago. I sit, with my breakfast and read. I drink my coffee while I scan through stories and other news items. It just so happens that those bits of information are just that, bits, or perhaps bytes would be a more relevant term. I read blogs and my emails and news stories while I wait for everything else to load on my computer. I dig through shirt designs on other sites and check out my Facebook news feed. I look at analytics for my sites and jot down a few ideas for stuff to work on when I get home. I probably read the equivalent amount of words online that most people would read in a newspaper.

Print IS Dead. It’s all electronic and accessible through the Internet in today’s reality. Newspapers are going belly up or hiding their articles behind pay walls. Everyone is downloading eBooks for their Nooks and Kindles and Tablet PCS. The only benefit to this is that the need to cut down trees to make paper will lessen. The downside to that is that printers and binders and other jobs associated with the construction of printed material will shrink from existence.

The demise of Print is still sad to me, though. For someone who is visually stimulated, I also like to have something tangible in my hands. A book has a texture that adds to its value. When you pick up a book, the weight felt in your hands is history. The sound of a page sliding across one and flipping over to the other side of the book adds resonance to the material. The feeling of the pages, that heavy weighted stock, tingles in your hands. There is nothing more immersive than reading a book that is three dimensional and in your hands. Scrolling a mouse or sliding your finger across a screen will never give you the same experience that holding a book will. In the future we may lose the need to use our limbs, instead relying on audio or mind

Caught Without Makeup vs. Know Your Facts Deathmatch in 3D

OK. Let’s take a quick moment for a reality check. I want everyone out there to take and raise their hand up to eye level. Now, looking directly into your palm I want you to take and use as much force as possible to drive that palm into your face. Once the burning and stinging sensation wears off, continue reading.

Feel better? Good.

First off, I am not the greatest looking individual. I’m sort of a cross between Greg Grunberg, Duncan Sheik, and Paul Giamatti’s beard. Now, as much as I am the first to admit that I would not ideally be the first you see in the morning when you roll over in bed, I am confident that I could give a shit what people think about my looks in the long run. And as far as my level of intelligence is concerned, well that’s debatable but I’m pretty sure I could a majority of people’s kiesters in bar trivia or Jeopardy. Still, I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I need to build a huge backstop on my head for all the crap that flies over it, so that it stops and falls in for absorption.

However, when are people going to realize that everything you see in photos or on the Internet or your local 11:00pm news is spun for sensationalism and attention grabbing from the masses? Unless you are looking at a live feed from everyday life you are never going to be given the entire truth about any given situation. Case in point, those tabloid photos of stars without their makeup.

We’ve all seen them while standing in line to purchase our industrial size tub of Chunky Monkey. Right? [crickets] You’re standing there hoisting up your Dugger Family Size package of bacon and waiting for the cashier to get one of the burly guys from the back to load it back into your cart and you catch The Star or The National Enquirer promoting pictures of the awesomely beautiful and flawless complexion of the hottest celebrities caught without any makeup putting them into the reject pile for submissions to PeopleofWalmart.

Oh my, there’s Angelina Jolie without her hair done or Sofia Vergara without makeup. Oh my, they look like normal people. EEEEK! Get that hand up again.

Nine times out of ten the person that took those pictures handed their editor, or whoever they submit that stuff to, a pile of pictures taken in succession from that few minutes of time. Then the person making the decision will rifle through the selections looking for one that captures the worst possible angle and pose. They could be jogging and everything and out of breath, giving them the appearance of being worn and tired. The person’s head could be cocked in such a way that their skin pulls a bit. Their eyes could be half opened or in mid blink. Their mouth could be just relaxing after a cough. Hell, that picture could be of someone who just sneezed and all of their facial muscles are pulled and twisted. The point is that they are looking for the worst possible image to support their claim. Meanwhile, if you were to see that person a split second later, they look totally fine.

I realize it’s not totally out of the realm of possibility that makeup does account for 50% of the celebrity’s good looks but understand that the media is looking to sell a story, garner readership, and be provocative. They are going to do whatever it takes to make that picture look as bad as possible. In the day and age of waning newspaper subscriptions and competition with Internet News outlets everyone is more than willing to sink to a new low to get a better viewing or ranking.

Don’t believe me? Swing the pendulum the other way and do a search on Magazine Cover PhotoShop Disasters or the like. Remember the hip issue on that cover of W magazine with Demi Moore?

Here’s another pet peeve of mine, the man on the street interview. The Late Night Talk Shows and media outlets do these from time to time to test the common man’s/woman’s knowledge of simple facts. You’ll see this happen whenever those facts get called into question by someone famous or important and should know better.  A prime example would be from Super Bowl XLV, where Christina Aguilera flubbed a line or two from the National Anthem. The bigger travesty of that telecast was letting Fergie attempt to sing Axl Rose, but that’s another story.


After the debacle in Dallas, a local news affiliate went out into the street and asked everyday people if they could recite the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner. Surprisingly, we were shown that a majority of people interviewed were unable to correctly sing or speak the lyrics. How long do you think those segments last? 30 seconds? A minute? How much tape do you think they’ve collected on the subject? How many interviews did they do? Chances are they interviewed a hell of a lot more than they showed in the segment. Then the editor gets a hold of the raw footage and weeds out the boring ones or the majority of ones where people got the words right, focusing on the clips that appear funny or sad, from the perspective of national patriotism. Then they splice together something that would be enjoyable or at least somewhat funny and voila, American Idiots on parade.
Do you really think that the American Idol auditions are solely made up of atrociously bad singers for the first few weeks? No. There are probably a bunch of people that had no talent and nothing that made them stand out as a train wreck that never made it on air. It’s not that they were any better but they didn’t play well to attracting an audience on television. After the first season of American Idol the producers probably realized that for every Kelly Clarkson that sucks in viewers for the whole purpose of the show, there could be ten William Hung types that could suck in more potential viewers just for the spectacle of bad singers. Hell, people even audition just to be train wrecks and camp up their performance to try and get some screen time in the hopes they’ll become famous for being so bad.

We are being deceived at every given turn by the media and it’s all for the sake of ratings and rankings. The more we accept the media at face value the more we are able to be lied to about the more important things that occur. Even the more *cough* legitimate *cough* news sources employ these tactics but we think that they’d be above those practices so we believe them with more blind faith. FACEPALM YOURSELF INTO CLARITY AMERICA! Before it’s too late.  Now, let's get back to former 80s music stars wrestling while bad CGI monsters take over low budget movies!

Homeless Man Behind Bar Finds Home Behind Bars

Don’t think about that title for more than ten seconds or blood will shoot out of your ears. Last month I spoke about the greatest case of life imitating art when a homeless guy broke into a closed down bar and reopened it, serving around 30 people a day before being busted by authorities. By all accounts, the tale of Travis Lloyd Kevie would have made a spectacular 80s movie in which I envisioned him being played by Michael Keaton. Down on his luck, Kevie gets hired to help clean out a local watering hole that suffers financial disaster. He breaks into the bar one night, turns on the “OPEN” sign and begins serving liquor to patrons. Starting off with a six pack, he reinvests his profits into the business by buying more alcohol. Two weeks later the authorities step in and shut him down.

Now, he’s been sentenced to 15 days in jail and a fine of $160 for selling liquor without a license. He’s also been ordered to steer clear of the bar unless he’s lawfully employed there. So, wait, he served around 30 people a day for 15 days and was made to pay a fine of $160. What about the large sum of money and alcohol that was seized by police? Does he get to keep that? That’s a little bit of profit for his trouble.

I say, he should sell his tale for enough money to buy a liquor license and lease the building from the original owner. Then he can lawfully operate the business with a liquor license and job title, bar manager. If I had the money, I’d buy the rights to his story and help him on his way. If anything, this latest development gives me the ending I was looking for when I first wrote about this story. Mark my words, this guy’s story isn’t over yet… as long as it doesn’t end up a made for TV movie, I’ll be happy.

Zombies Love Walmart

Since reading the Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z, I often wondered where I would go during a zombie outbreak.  Would I stay home and try to survive on what defenses I could muster or would I pack up the clan and head to a shelter.   We all know both of those options lead to disaster from watching countless movies.  Even going to the mall is risky, but I figured that, in this day and age, if the often thought yet really improbable ever happened I would just go to the one place that had everything for my survival, Walmart.  

Walmart has it all, food, weapons and supplies of all sorts.  I could sack out there for awhile, using it as a shelter.  I could survive on the food in the store while stocking up on medical supplies and weapons  fom the sporting goods section.  However, I have changed my thought process based on one reason and one reason only. Walmart would be open.   If anyone believes otherwise, see here.  Turns out, even in a flood, Walmart remains open.  Debate on the nature of the staffing procedures during such a disaster are ever present.  Were the employees asked to stay or forced to stay.  Did they chose to stay or was there an unspoken rule that if they chose to go home, their jobs or at least their employment in good standing would be in jeopardy.  The response from Walmart was "They chose to stay." 

That means if there was a zombie outbreak, going to Walmart would only be an option if you really had shopping to do because it looks like they'll keep the doors open, even if undead hordes are advancing on the store.   Nice work. 

The Slater Exit Strategy: Quitting With Style

Steven Slater did what most people only dream about. He quit his job. Not only did he quit his job. He did it with some dissident style. Of course, for all his service industry employee heroics, he was rewarded with a trip to jail.

In case you missed it, Steven is/was a flight attendant on JetBlue Airways. On a flight from Pittsburgh to JFK International he reached his breaking point. When a passenger decided to stand up and retrieve luggage from the overhead compartment, before the plane had stopped moving, Steven did what all flight attendants do, asked the passenger to please remain seated while the plane was moving. Varied accounts describe the following altercation but the high points are that the bag swung out of the compartment and hit Steven on the head. Whether it was accidental or on purpose is debatable. This was followed by the passenger allegedly telling Slater to ‘Eff off, when Slater asked for an apology.

Steve, who had been, by his own account, in the airline industry 28 years had finally had it with rude passengers, I guess. He returned to the front of the cabin, grabbed the microphone and gave everyone his two week, er two minute notice. He reportedly said, “To the Mother Effer who just told me to Eff Off, Eff You.” He then recounted his years of service, said, “I’m Out Bitches”, grabbed a couple of beers and left the plane. But the kicker to this story isn’t that he quit. It’s that he left by way of the emergency exit slide. He blew the hatch which inflated the slide and took one last ride to freedom. Later, at his home he was arrested.

You can get Later Slater on a shirt.
Check out my Store blog to find out how.

Now, I guess you could make a case for this being highly dangerous. It’s more than likely that he broke several FAA rules by taking the scenic way out. CBS news reported he was arraigned on charges of criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, and trespassing. Charges that could land him in jail for seven years. Not to mention, his stylish exit strategy could have injured someone from deploying the slide.

Should Steven go to jail? That’s a toughie. Unfortunately, we live in a post 9/11 world where the rules of air travel have gone beyond simply being slapped with a misdemeanor. If the courts want to continue to be effective at enforcing rules, he will probably be sentenced to some time. My thoughts are he should be given a fine and probation time and possibly barred from working in the industry, again. Just to set an example, that is. However, what I find irreprehensible is that the passenger was not cited or arrested for anything. By the same token as what Slater did, this was a violation of FAA rules governing the interference of flight crew duties by a passenger. Where is the justice in that? Did Slater’s escape trump the need to uphold those other rules?

Let’s face it, air travel, anymore, sucks. The airlines are grasping at straws to keep afloat, fees are outrageous, and flying generally is not a fun thing to do. Furthermore, because of all these factors, working in the industry is no longer enjoyable. Stricter rules, not that there shouldn’t be, cause more delays. The economy woes make passengers more surly when having to pay out more in fees and service charges which, in turn, creates more confrontational moments with staff. Flight attendants are imagined as these happy as all get out, smile while we ram the drink cart into you, carry-on luggage Nazis who take pride in being difficult and will go off on you at a moment’s notice for not having your seat all the way up. Really, they are just people in the service industry like everyone else. Customer Service can be a rewarding and all together exhausting experience, especially in what can be perceived as a hostile consumer culture, nowadays.

It seems, anymore, that consumers are frustrated with the quality and prices of everything. IPhones that drop calls, McNuggets that don’t get delivered at the drive through and banks that charge outrageous fees are just a few of the game changers that has pushed the norm from “buyer beware” to “seller lookout.” Litigious as we might have been, pre recession, it looks to be a more strained relationship between customers and vendors since everything on Wall Street went out the emergency exit. The atmosphere is thick with stress and heat and the powder keg is set to explode.

Yet, why is Steven Slater considered a hero? Is it because he voiced the plight of the common service industry worker? Is it because he told off a rude passenger? Is it because he defied convention and escaped in style? In this world model of consumer vs. seller, that I just explained, Slater should be the enemy. He works for the company that is causing the consumer issues. However, the manner in which this whole drama played out painted Slater as the victim. He was a guy just trying to do his job in a hostile environment and he had enough of it. Later Slater stood up for the blue collar worker and this passenger, no matter who they were was “The Man.” This wasn’t an issue where a service worker broke the law and caused an incident because they were harassed. This was a “rise up” moment where the beaten down service worker took flight out the exit of a job that they had finally reached their breaking point.

In this scenario, the worker trumped the consumer because he now represented the consumer. He represented those of us who would to tell our cable company to ‘eff off over the price of our service. The desire to stand up and say “Get bent” to the employers and services that oppress us is all rather Freudian. In fact, the Steven Slater Exit Strategy is a perfect example of the Id, Ego, and super-ego in Freud’s structural model. The Id is Steven Slater. He is the primal instinct in all of us to just flip the finger at the world. All of us observing Slater in the media represent the Ego or the part of us that wishes we could be like that but accept the reality of our position. I can’t tell my boss to eff off and then jump ship. I have a mortgage, bills, and a family. I need to keep my job. I have responsibilities. The Id is the twenty year old us and the Ego is the 30-40 year old us. The Super-ego represents the us that says that Slater should go to jail. It’s not a case of “I wish I could do what he did.” It’s a matter of “He was wrong and should be punished for breaking the law and endangering people.” The Super-ego is usually the voice that comes out of us when we are asked by superiors if we think Slater was in the right. The Super-ego comes forth from our psyche as the representative while the Ego wrestles to keep a hand over the id’s mouth.

As a 14 year veteran of the service industry, there have surely been one or two days where I wanted to stand up, give everyone my business finger and pop open a window and slide out to the parking lot. My Id is constantly plotting my exit strategy while my Ego looks as the realty of my situation. My Super-ego is the guy that sits in his chair, all smiles, saying he loves his job. But sometimes the Id can tie the Ego and Super-ego up with duct tape, grab a gun and go apeshit like Omar Thornton did in Manchester Connecticut. Fortunately, in this case, Slater did not go “postal.” He simply exited the plane in the same way most people would probably love to quit their jobs. He used the sentiment of The David Allen Coe, the language of Half Baked’s Scarface (Guillermo Diaz) and coupled it with the style of Carson Kressley. He is a modern day Howard Beale shouting over the in flight PA system, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." Definitely, RAGE is the new black.

Frankly, barring the safety issues and Slater’s obscenity laden sign off, I think the Slater Exit Strategy could be applied to a lot of situations. So, if Steven does lose his job and have to switch careers I have a couple of ideas for him.

Of course, the most obvious choice for capitalizing on his new found fame would be to go on a reality show, say Survivor. Will he win? Don’t know. However, I think, in either case, he needs to go out with style at tribal council. After Jeff Probst extinguishes his torch he can turn to the rest of the council and tell them to ‘eff off before jumping on a huge inflatable water slide that takes him down to a splash lagoon. If that doesn’t work, I say hire him as a chief strategist in Afghanistan. He understands air travel and can relate to the struggles of having to be the bad guy in cases where he’s just trying to do his job. Of course, as the campaign winds down, he can offer up his exit strategy. Allied forces simply tell Al Qaeda and the Taliban to ‘eff off as we jump onto a huge slide that carries our troops safely into India.

So, thank you Steven Slater for giving all our Id’s a chance to dream. Now, I must get back to work.

Homeless Man Breaks Into Bar Starts Selling Booze Makes Great 80s Movie

What you call a crime, I call great entrepreneurial spirit. The story goes like this. A local bar closes and a homeless man gets hired to help clean out the place. One night he breaks into the bar and instead of doing any burgling, he throws an “OPEN” sign up in the window and starts selling alcohol. First, he runs across the street and buys a six pack of beer and immediately sells that. Then he starts using the profits to buy more alcohol and then sell it. He starts to gain more patrons, upwards of 30 a day, and it all comes crashing down when he gets busted. Why? Word got out that the bar reopened. He was even interviewed and everything. The kicker… he was a former bronco rider who was estranged from his family.

Think of this, recently, there was a story about a teen who turned an old cell phone into a Porsche and it wasn’t an alien being come to Earth to protect the All Spark. He traded up from the cell phone on Craigslist.

When I heard this story, I was immediately reminded about the One Red Paper Clip story where a guy turned a red paper clip into a home. I may have to try this but I wonder where I could go with it. I’m sure if I head over to Craigslist I’ll find thousands of items in the barter section. Each one probably posted by someone trying to duplicate the success of the "One Red Paper Clip" and "Cell Phone Turned Porsche".

What you call a weird story in the news, I call a great 80s movie plot.
The spirit of the entrepreneur is a staple of 80s movies, especially ones that were based on real events. Look at films like Night Shift and KidCo, a favorite in the rotation on HBO, growing up. Then you have the more familiar films like Secret Of My Succe$s and the more recent, Accepted, to play with the themes that are in line with this story. That got me to thinking. This entire news entry has the basis for a run of the mill 80s movie.

Look at all the elements it has in common. Down on his luck guy hired to do a menial task and then gets the idea to go into business for himself, albeit in an illegal manner. I can see it now. A local homeless man gets a temporary job cleaning up a closed down bar before the owner leaves town. Our hero is standing inside this empty bar, sweeping up. Realizing that the job is done and he will be back on the streets with no paycheck he decides to break into the bar and squat there as a resident. He invites two other friends to spend the night off the streets. One, is a “Hooker with a heart of gold” type who really wants to change her ways. The other is a Vietnam Vet who hasn’t been able to hold down a job because of his PTSD.

He turns on the lights as they all enter to make preparations for sleeping. Along with the interior lights coming on, the “OPEN” sign lights up attracting a patron. The unsuspecting or at least uninformed patron sits at the bar and our hero reaches into his own personal cooler to grab a beer and promptly sells it to the patron who pays him for the beer as well as tips him for the service. He leaves and our hero suddenly gets an idea. He then runs across the street to a six pack shop and uses his newly acquired profit to purchase more alcohol. Soon, he has his vet buddy working as a bar back and cook while the hooker works as a hostess and cocktail waitress. You can even include bits like the hooker counting her tips stating that this is the most money she’s made without taking off her clothes.

The second act picks up in the middle of their success as we see them make improvements to the décor, done in a inspirational musical montage, pantomimed with a host of clichéd sight gags involving power tools and paint. Our hero has also hired more homeless friends to work at his bar. He hires a cook who is used to working with road kill as a menu and promotes his vet buddy to Head Of Security. He hires another bartender in the form of an out of work juggler from a travelling circus. He even brings in the stereotypical, out of work and on the street blues guitarist to do play sets, revitalizing his career as a musician. He also starts to attract the suspicion of the local liquor control board. The fact that he’s made it this far is only helped if this actually happened in the 80s. As he continues to see success he starts to develop a relationship with the hooker. The last line of the news article states that the man was estranged from his family and this could be used as a subplot where the hooker finds out he has a wife and rebuffs his affection.

Then we get to the all too important and often seen conflict for the gang. A local orphanage, where our hero grew up, is in dire need of funds. Wanting to repay the sisters for their kindness, all those years ago, he enters the bar, and himself into a bartending competition which includes flair [juggler] and speed pouring events. Just before the competition is set to go, they get busted and he is promptly thrown in jail. Violating several laws, including breaking and entering, serving alcohol without a license and several others he appears before the judge on the morning of the competition. Without bar sponsorship, even the juggler cannot compete, so they are pretty much screwed. At his grand jury trial, his inept court ordered defense attorney fumbles his way through the entire proceedings which leaves a trial date set for the same day as the competition.

During the trial, everything looks bleak but the hooker ends up forgiving our hero and gathers all of the employees to act as character witnesses at his trial. The gag is that, at first, the flood of unseemly people into the court room, such as hookers, homeless people, and other members of the Untouchable-like crowd appear to be the proverbial nail in our hero’s coffin. However, each one gets on the stand and explains how their life was in ruins and our hero offered them a job, a place to stay, and a chance at a better life. Now, we could have the twist where the jury finds him guilty and the judge changes the ruling or some other breath holding moment, but in the end, somehow, he gets acquitted or is found guilty with time served, probation or some other form of commuted sentenced and he’s able to compete with some kind of bar sponsorship and they go on to win the contest allowing him to save the orphanage. Of course, success is short lived as he and all his employees are now homeless and jobless, again.

In the end, whether or not he is able to open the bar again is up in the air but, in my mind, I see him opening up another business, say a temporary employment agency that finds jobs for all his friends. He ends up with the hooker and even a home with a white picket fence.

Of course, being that I put this in the 80s, you’d have to have an 80s cast from the 80s.

Our Hero – Michael Keaton / Mark Harmon / Steve Guttenberg / John Ritter
Our Veteran – John Goodman / Gary Busey / Bruce McGill / Jim Belushi
Our Hooker – Karen Allen / Shelly Long / Fran Drescher / Carole Davis / Geena Davis
Our Cook – Vincent Schiavelli (only one choice there)
Our Bad Guy – Dabney Coleman / Charles Grodin
Our Juggler – Bill Irwin (Mr. Noodle from Sesame Street)
Our Blues Singer – Buddy Guy or John Lee Hooker
Your Honor – Harry Morgan / Wilford Brimley / Harold Gould

Ok, must get out my big old typewriter [clack clack clack], chomp on my big stinky cigar [puff puff wheeze], and write this masterpiece. Then I will have to get a DeLorean equipped with a Flux Capacitor in order to go back in time and make this film.  Yet, if I were to be in Hollywood and make this film, now.  I would not only set it in the 80s.  I would write it and film it like an 80s movie.  Think, Wet Hot American Summer style.

Oh, it could so work.  Where's that extra plutonium I had lying around?

Oil Spill Threatening The Gulf Coast

The Gulf Coast of the United States is in imminent danger from an oil slick heading to shore.   It had been previously thought that the spill was caused by an oil rig, Deepwater Horizon, which had exploded offshore.  However, we have just recently learned that the oil spill was not caused by the rig's explosion.  Instead it was caused by the cast of Jersey Shore filming in Miami Beach.   One of the filming crew spoke with EPA officials shortly after completing the scene that caused the spill.  "We had no idea of the impact that we would have on the environment.   We all warned the cast not to get Snooki's hair wet, but when we saw her go down into the water we knew we had a situation."  The cameraman then explained to Michael Sorrentino that he was not referring to him but to the spill.  

EPA officials estimate that between the amount of hair and spray tan products on the cast members, the ecosystem is serious peril.   It was originally thought that Miami was in immediate danger but it seemed that the slick moved South around the Keys and has ended up in the Gulf of Mexico, threatening Louisiana.

Woman Attacked In Monroeville PA Book Store

No happy childhood stories, no witty remarks about growing up in the 80s. This is as serious and to the point as it gets.

Recently, a couple were at Barnes and Noble in Monroeville, PA. The husband and wife went in separate directions and while alone, the wife was surrounded by a group of girls and hit on the back of the head with a lead pipe. The girls proceeded to beat her while she was on the ground. The husband, going to find her, saw his wife being attacked and tried to stop it. More of the girls restrained him and tell him not to interfere, that this was a gang initiation.
No police to stop it. No security to rescue them. It just simply took place in a book store.

Now, the wife of this guy is in the hospital. The worst part is, for whatever reason, local police and media are not talking about it or warning the general public. This is a very large and busy mall in the outskirts of Pittsburgh. Some of you not familiar with the area may know Monroeville Mall from the George Romero movie Dawn of the Dead in 1978. But this is not a movie. This is a real situation.

HAD IT BEEN my wife, I would have done everything in my power to help her. I cannot fathom standing witness to this act and feeling as helpless as the husband in this situation. I sure as hell would have been pulling hair, throwing books, chairs, screaming FIRE, or anything to draw attention to this. Of course, my wife would tell you that there would have been a bunch of gang members in the ER and not her but when you get caught from behind with a lead pipe and are dropped to the ground, beaten by multiple attackers, it's hard to get the drop on them.

So, Pittsburgh area visitors and residents be aware and stick close to a group in case this happens again. Let's hope that the media and police start releasing information to warn the public. Let's hope some fellow citizens take action and start helping. I say, you attack me or my family, all bets are off. That's it. One way or another you're getting taken down for such a heinous crime. I'm just that much of a prick to make it a personal mission to get justice.

Man Arrested For Being Naked In Own Home

We have become a very litigious society. People will sue and counter sue at the drop of a hat. I spilled hot coffee on my lap. I must sue the fast food restaurant for serving me hot coffee. You get the idea. A majority of all cases involving suing for damages and what not are ridiculous cases that should never have gone to court. The fact that lawyers are willing to take on these cases just goes to show that Shakespeare was right.

On the other side of that coin of justice is the amount of asinine charges being filed against people for no reason. Grown adults have reverted into nine year olds on the playground threatening to tell their big brother to come kick your ass for kicking dirt in their faces. Sometimes when people abuse the justice or law enforcement system, it plays out to hilarious effects such as the continually aired 9/11 calls from people who aren’t happy with the burger they got from the drive through.

Case in point here is the Virginia man who was busted for indecent exposure while in his own home. Eric Williamson came downstairs, in the early hours one morning, to make a cup of coffee. He was naked at the time and alone in the house. A woman passerby spotted him and called the police. She was walking with a seven year old boy and cutting through Eric’s front yard from a path behind the house when she saw him. Police arrived and arrested Eric, charging him with indecent exposure. In reading this paragraph, you should notice two things about this case. The first one was that Eric was in his own home and the second was that the lady was trespassing on his property when she peeped in his window.

Now, according to the video posted within this article, the system has to prove that Eric intentionally appeared in the window naked, wanting to be seen by this woman. Unless this trespassing was a regular occurrence, how could Eric have known someone was outside. If it was, then you could argue that he may have been tired of people cutting through his property and wanted to give them a show as a prank OR he is truly an individual that does this for fun and knew that this lady or anybody else would be able to see him in his glory.

I say, this lady was should be charged for trespassing and possible invasion of privacy laws. Why even bother calling the police? Who cares? It’s your own dumb luck that you happened to be cutting through this guy’s lawn when he went down for a cup of French Roast with his coffee beans hanging out. I bet she wouldn’t have called the cops had she been cutting through the yard of Hugh Jackman or some other good looking guy and saw them naked in their kitchen.

Think about this, what if the roles were reversed? What if it were a guy walking by and noticed a woman? Who would have been arrested? That’s right. Even if he would have called the cops on her, he would have been given some kind of charges no matter who the woman was.

This is a complete waste of tax payers time not to mention perpetuating the precedence that you can just call the cops for little thing that you don’t like. I hope he beats this rap because it carries a stiff penalty of up to a year in jail. Certainly, any judge would be nuts to think that this case is anything other than other than stupidity. This guy is getting the shaft.

Mongo 2: Electric Blogaloo

I thought about titling this something different but quite frankly I can’t stop dipping into the Breakin’ movie sequel well enough times for it to get old. That’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Ok, here’s why I’ve called you all here. This decision was not an easy one and I thought long and hard over a refreshing trip to the bathroom. I’ve decided to spin off the blog. Now, before you all start saying, “Mongo, you so craaaazy!” hear me out. Oh, who am I kidding, would you care one way or the other? Thought not.

Why am I deciding to take all the hard work I’ve done over the past 18 months and franchise it? My head is getting a little too crowded for all the voices in it. Really, thinking about it, it might be a good idea. The blog has had no real structure other than I post on a semi regular basis. Beyond that, it’s a chaotic cluster frak. I have posts about storytelling, pop culture musings, grumbles about society, and a heavy dose of CafePress shameless plugging…peppered throughout with some political nonsense and set to frappe. I need to organize my thoughts and separate the wheat from the chaff. Well, I’m not saying any of my thoughts are wheat, but at least for the sake of sanity, I need to make changes to this mess.

What’s changing?
Coming soon, I will be unveiling a new blog dedicated solely to CafePress dealings. I’ve decided to use it primarily for design tips, marketing, and showcasing of my work. There will probably be some way of incorporating the store functionality into the new blog with a direct order button makes the transition seamless, but I haven’t the foggiest on how to do it, yet.

The blog, here, will be business as unusual with the same smattering of tales from the life and times of Mongo, but the new blog will be a business first, and a distraction second. The only change to what you see here will be the absence of CafePress store updates and design posts (YEAH)…unless there is a pop culture or news worthy event that ties directly into a design… and possibly a reduction in the amount of posts to the blog (BOO). It all depends on my free time. Yeah, ok, bad idea. In any case, I think it will be a relief for anyone who is unlucky enough to have friended me on Facebook as well as become a fan of the M.A.M.S store page. They get a double dose of blog posts show up in their news feed and too much of a bad thing isn’t even tolerable.

Timeline
Once I chase down and tase my scattering thoughts, I will make a concerted effort to release the new site. After that, I will detach the feed from this blog on the store’s Facebook page and attach the new blog feed. Next steps will be to go through the whole process of advertising on feedburner and other sites, build up brand recognition again and hopefully drive some traffic to the new site while keeping some following here.

Unfortunately, I feel like a kid trying to open up a lemonade stand in Times Square, using only crayons to advertise on lamp posts. I’m probably investing more time and energy into all this with little ROI. For the most part, I may be blogging in a vacuum. Still, I never intended my site to become a huge success followed by millions of adoring fans. Fine, don’t believe me. I’d rather have longevity and a cult following than become the next Huffington Post or God forbid, Perez Hilton. I still like having a sense of anonymity, after all. And among those who know me personally, their opinions and support have been enough fame and fortune for me.

Now, I could give you a sneak peek into what the blog is going to look like but it’s not ready yet. I still have some bugs to work out in one of the features. So, as things become clearer, I will update it here. Until then, I’m sure you’re just quivering with Antici……..pation….or it could just be gas…

Killer Calamari Conquer California Coast

It's like something out of a disaster movie, or a bad Roland Emmerich one. Nature gone awry. The coast along California, specifically San Diego, became littered with hordes of humboldt squid, also known as red devils. These squids, who live roughly one year, can grow to around seven feet long and weigh over 100 pounds. Not bad if you like sushi, but pretty horrible if you are a diver in the region as there have been accounts of the squid attacking divers. Make no mistake, these squid are carnivorous and have sharp teeth. But what has caused this beaching of the diablo rojo?

Get a San Diego Red Devils team shirt
at Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash! the store

Consider this. There was a similar occurrence of the humboldt squid in the Monterey Bay in 1997. Granted, the impact wasn't nearly as huge as the squid sunning themselves on the San Diego sand, but there was also something else happening at the time. The Atlantic had seen a fairly mild hurricane season with only eight total storms, three hurricanes of which one reached category three. The Pacific saw nine with seven category three or better. Evidence of this lessened Atlantic hurricane activity points towards El Nino as the cause. This year, the Pacific has already seen four storms, one being a category two hurricane. 2009 looks to be a repeat for El Nino which hasn't been confirmed as the reason for the squid sightings but suggests as such.

GetEl Nino Gets Me Wet
at Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash! the store

So, batten down the hatches, get out the hibachi and let's fry us up some red devils.

Cookie Duh

Nestle recently pulled it’s refrigerated brands of Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough products from stores over concerns of E. coli contamination. The reason being was that consumers ingested some of the raw cookie dough and became sick. Could you imagine being at grandma’s house, baking up a batch of Nestle’s nummy nuggets, and digesting a dollop of dough, not knowing the Escherichia Coli nature of these uncooked chocolate chip chunks?

Is this Stupidity in the Raw? Is there any threat to actually baking this toxic toll house cookie concoction? In a word, maybe. While the possibility for anyone who died, from eating the raw dough, to be nominated for a Darwin exists, there is more afoot here than plain old fashioned moronic activity. Usually, consuming raw cookie dough allows for exposure to Salmonella, not E. coli. Yet, still people continue to chomp on this comfort food while it’s still in its uncooked form. Had people baked the cookies and became sick, the culprit in this case may have gone unnoticed because not many would look at fresh baked cookies to be contaminated. People would be more likely to look at the tomatoes or lettuce in their refrigerator as the usual suspect.

Now, while I would like to complain about the nature of, what could be called, frivolous lawsuits against Nestle because of this issue, Nestle is not without shame in recent years. Looking over the trusted news source that is Wikipedia, a slew of criticisms can be found ranging from price fixing to melamine laced milk. Of course, calling Wikipedia a trusted news source is like calling Faux News a fair and balanced media outlet, but a little more digging into the cited charges can reveal better evidence.

But that doesn’t indemnify either party in this matter. I am as guilty as the rest of the cookie dough fiends of the world. As a wee Mongo, I worked at an amusement park and would often visit friends who worked in a Giant Cookie stand. They would throw me a gob of soon to be baked cookie dough from time to time. It was heaven. Had I ever gotten sick, I would have no one to blame but myself. Still, the nature of these lawsuits stem from becoming sick from an out of the ordinary illness associated with raw cookie dough that has been made from pasteurized ingredients. In this case, kudos to Nestle for taking prompt action on pulling the products from shelves and nuts to those individuals who cry foul when they eat the uncooked morsels.

It’s OK to roast me for my insensitivity over the issue, but when you consider that eating raw cookie dough is a risk associated behavior, you are probably engaging in off label use by consuming it. I don’t have a bag in front of me but I would venture to guess that somewhere on the labeling it says “Do Not Consume Raw Cookie Dough.” If anything, stupidity could be a good thing as people may never have known the extent of this matter had they not gotten sick from raw dough.

Every year we are treated to another food related scandal. Is it the fault of manufacturers going soft on standards and quality control? Is the fault of migrant farm workers not washing up before working in the fields? Is it the fault of the public for not adhering to warning labels? All three are somewhat guilty of being caught with their hand in the cookie jar. How this all plays out over the media is a mystery, yet with every passing year, we face a new threat from our food. M. Night Shyamalan could have been onto something with his milk dud of a film, The Happening. Maybe the world is finally out to get us. Storms rage across the plains, earthquakes and fires ravage our homes, and the food we eat has become a weapon in the war against mankind. However, somewhere in the distance, you can hear the maniacal laughter of a little Dough Boy and there is no finger pushing into his belly. Victory is poppin’ fresh.

Boston Police Department Ready To Alert You Of Zombie Invasion

Technology is a wonderful thing. It’s also scary for those hesitant to adopt it. As the youth of America become more geek advanced than the rest of the population, working adults in services that have been around for decades must tap into that inner child and learn new methods to keep up with the ever growing customer or client base. Police Departments are no exception. Growing up, we had a scanner that beeped and whistled with garbled messages from dispatch to responder. The pulsating channels of the scanner chased along like a Broadway marquee, only stopping to crackle out a incoherent message, now and then. But now, we have online applications that are available on our mobile devices that allow us to keep in touch with services at an instant and in readable text.

The University that my wife teaches piano lessons at has an email and mobile phone alert system for any lock downs, cancellations or other important information that must be disseminated to the student body and faculty. In the wake of tragedies like Virginia Tech, the ability to get a hold of this new media and communication methods is a valuable use of technology. Technology that would otherwise be used on inane activities like texting each about how boring Calc class is or what happened on Gossip Girls last night.

It’s nice to see the city of Boston, home of the first organized Police Department in the U.S., adopting new forms of media to help keep the public informed. The fact that they are using Twitter is amazing. Twitter’s stigma has been relegated to mostly competitions between Ashton Kutcher and CNN for the most followers, and the ridiculous need to know what’s in the heads of people that you really don’t want to be in anyway. Unfortunately, the accessibility of Twitter comes at a price, and that spawns unintentional humor…..and a shirt, of course.

Thanks to my good friend and the Consumerist for this one. The Twitter feed from the BPD detailed a simple injury report on one of its officers after the officer was bitten on the arm by a suspect. A follower asked a question about the nature of the injury. “If it was a zombie bite, would you tell us?” The Police responded, “Yes, absolutely.” Normally, a goofball natured question like this would be ignored and left to die on the vie. However, the BPD, set the bar pretty high on transparency and provided an official response. Now, one has to wonder if this was an automatic response or if there was some process to the exchange. Did the person who Tweeted have to get some kind of clearance to make that claim? Is there a procedure already on the books to handle a zombie situation? What would be the Police Code for such an emergency, 419 committing a 240? I would think that in a regulated environment such as law enforcement, simply placating the follower by giving him a curt response was a subtle attempt at turning the butt of that joke around, however, I think something more is going on here.

Perhaps the Boston Police are already prepared for an onslaught of living dead Slouching Towards Beantown. After all, they’ve already got shirts made up and everything…

Boston Police Dept. Zombie Task Force
Now at Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash! The Store

Swine Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest

If there wasn’t enough to worry about with everything going on in the world, now we’ve got Swine Flu. I’m not going to go into great detail about it because I don’t feel that it deserves the sense of panic that it’s getting in the media. We survived SARS and various other anagrammatic diseases over the past few years, why should this be any different? Because people are tired of talking about the economy. We have this masochistic need to create new drama when we’ve become bored with beating the dead horses of the economy, The War On Terror, and whether or not Susan Boyle will get an extreme makeover and Nadya Suleman will get her Octomom trademark. By the way, Susan, don’t change a thing, and Nadya…get over it. You weren’t clever enough to come up with it, so you don’t deserve it. Go get a job and go away.

But, I digress. The whole Swine Flu got to me thinking, ironically. It almost conjures up apocalyptic visions of flying pigs swarming over the border from Mexico with flight goggles. Ok, maybe just in my head, but still. Beyond that I started thinking musically to Pink Floyd’s and thought, “A Benefit Concert for victims of Swine Flu!” They could get out the flying pigs and go on tour and then Peter Frampton could keep them in a trunk and Homer Simpson could let them out, and I’ve lost you…

Right, we have flying pigs, a concert setting, and of course what better way to celebrate a concert tour than with a T-SHIRT? Now, here’s where this thing gets to be bigger than me. I can never do anything on a small scale. I’ve got to cram so many details into a design that everything is a part of a bigger story. For instance, a benefit concert would probably have a bunch of bands on the bill. That means you have to come up with band names. Really, as much as I would love to include Pink Floyd in my fictional concert tour, I don’t think the Content Police would appreciate it. Well, with Swine Flu we have some places to go. We can think about fictional band names having to do with diseases, medical procedures, and pigs. The words Pandemic and Epidemic sound like good band names. So we come up with our design, get a tour name, and include all of our band names on the front of the shirt. But what about the back?

I’ve recently began doing some two sided shirt designs. Nothing huge, but a lot of the designs I came up with just didn’t work as a frontal design. CafePress charges an additional $3.00 on the base price leaving you with decisions on what to do about mark up. But this is a special design and we can forgo the worries over profit as we try to capture that brief window of relevance before the shirt buying population moves onto the next popular culture horse in which to flog.

Usually, on the back of a concert tour shirt, you see the dates of the tour. Hmmm, well, Swine Flu has been found primarily in Mexico and now spreading to the U.S. in New York, Michigan, Texas, California, and New Jersey. Ok, that gives us cities and concert venues. We can even be silly and say that the Mexican concert dates have been cancelled. And with the disease spreading with new hypochondriacs claiming to be stricken with a case of the oinks, we can say, “more dates to be added.” Now we’re moving beyond a topical t-shirt and becoming a metaphor for social consciousness and the 24 hour media. After all, who actually buys concert shirts? Secondly, you have a subset of those people who go to concerts wearing a shirt of the band they are seeing which is a big social faux pas. To top it all off, just when you think the story has run its course, along comes words like Pandemic and Outbreak and now you’ve got a global crisis of disappearing common sense. You know that professionals are telling the public to do to prevent spreading the disease? It’s the same thing they tell us every year during winter months. Cover your mouth when coughing or sneezing, wash your hands, take care of yourself. Next thing you know, we have a thousand people with Michael Jackson surgical mask starter kits wandering around. Don’t be that guy!

Then, once you have all those elements thrown against the wall, you have to make it vintage and retro looking. After all, the last time the United States went through a case of the Swine Flu, Carter was in office. In 1976, there was a Swine Flu epidemic and could your imagine the bill on that tour? That would be some kick ass, old school bands.

With that in mind, I give you the latest in an attempt to waste precious free time and avoid cutting the grass, Swine Flu Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, World Tour 2009. Now, I must say that I started this idea the on April 27 and there were about 21 designs already addressing Swine Fu. Within three days the idea had been already put into circulation by other shopkeepers and the design count was up to 217. I cannot say that I had the original idea, but I put a lot more time into the creation. I just hope people agree.

Front and back of the
Swine Flu World Tour 2009 Shirt