World War Z Trailer Released

So, the new movie trailer for World War Z has hit the web.  Sigh.  I loved both Max Brooks' zombie apocalypse books, but this film looks to just be another "missed the mark" adaptation of books where only the basic plot and title are kept from the source material.  Think of The Running Man movie in comparison to the book by Richard Bachman (Stephen King).

The trailer looks like any disaster movie, set in New York.  Typical day of traffic where the main character has happy conversation with his family.  Then, it all goes to shit.   After that, there's running and explosions, and aliens, and asteroids, and Godzilla, and... wrong movies.   You get the idea. 

What follows is a Matrix Revolutions like assault of zombies on level with 28 Days Later rage virus zombies and Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead versions. These zombies just don't run, they plow over each other and off of objects like lemmings or horses spooked by Samara from The Ring. The zombies from Brooks' novels are shambling and shuffling and only pose real threats in great numbers or sitting on the bottom of a lake.
Here's the trailer... see for yourself.

With that, I offered to redo the movie and here's what I came up with in an hour. 



Movie is done in 30 minutes!

What?

Travellers Tales 2012: Zombie Moon Shine Serenade

After surviving the high tide-near wash out of a drive home, we decided to relax on the deck with some drinks. I managed to empty a bottle of our Apple Pie “hooch” and even created a deadly concoction… well, to my arteries. I mixed the shine with some French Vanilla coffee creamer, effectively making Apple Pie a la Mode. It was very tasty.

As the darkness fell across the beach and the full moon began to rise we saw the waters subside, uncovering the beach road, which allowed traffic to flow once again. Though, they usually caution against travelling on the beach at night. The sunken forest of petrified stumps that dot the landscape could wreak havoc on the axles of your truck, I’m told.

Drink after drink we consumed to calm the nerves of our ordeal with just getting home for the night led to conversation about the latest events we had heard on the news. In Miami, there was a “zombie” incident, in which a man, high on bath salts, disrobed and proceeded to chew the face of another man. What? Yes, this has become a big story, apparently. In our seclusion up among the wild horses and men who live in houses with baby doll heads on posts… still trying to get that picture… we were somewhat shaded from current events, strange or otherwise. Armed with an Internet connection I had found that another incident had occurred. Once again, a man, high on bath salts pretended to act like a zombie after being arrested.

So, we talked into the night about the ramifications of a possible zombie apocalypse. I thought back to reading The Zombie Survival Guide and thought that, in the event, we might be in pretty decent shape up here. Zombies aren’t the best of walkers, so the sand would give us a chance at escape. Not to mention, the isolation of being in this area wouldn’t attract their attention as much as being in the hustle and bustle of the lower, commercial areas. We have Internet and satellite television, so if the word came, we could make a trip down to the stores to get what supplies we needed to make a long term stand. And, we had a pool, which makes for waiting out the apocalypse a little more enjoyable.

Although, I could imagine the following scenario:

“MARCO!”

“BRAAAINS!”

The more we drank, the funnier the conversation became. Soon, we noticed something down at the water line. It looked like a person but they were just wandering back and forth along the water. They didn’t seem to sure footed as the shuffled up the beach a few feet, then back down a few more feet. In our drunken state, we started to get a little loud and bolder with our comments. Cracking jokes at the expense of a silhouette in the distance.

“Maybe he’s drunk.”

“Maybe he’s lost.”

“Maybe he’s a zombie!”

Soon, we started rolling with the idea and eventually, one of our more adventurous, and inebriated of the group decided to walk down to see which this person was. We watched as he walked down the walkway and onto the beach, disappearing from sight. A few seconds later we caught sight of him in the moonlight walking along the dunes to a set of benches right by the ramp up from the beach. We laughed as he just took it upon himself to sit on the bench and blend into the scenery. Then… it happened.

The shape turned and moved its way up to the bench. Then it disappeared. Then nothing. No sound could be heard except for the surf. The dunes blocked our view of the scene. Minutes went by with no word, no movement, no sounds.

What if it IS a zombie? What if our guy is a midnight snack? Our missing member of the group, now gone from view for more than five minutes elicited a few four letter words from his drunk wife, my sister-in-law. She made it a plan to go after him and kick his ass for being gone so long. I looked at my wife and said, “Should I go?” She nodded and I went with her.

As we walked along the deck and down to the beach, my mind raced with the possibilities. “I have no weapons. If this is a zombie, what am I going to do? What if our guy is now one, too?” As we trudged up the beach to the benches, my sister-in-law began yelling for her husband. He then let out a scream. For a brief moment, I panicked. Then, his flashlight began bouncing around playfully and we knew all was well.

“Hey, this here is Luke. He’s legally blind. He’s just waiting for his sister and his girlfriend to arrive.”

How’s he going to know it’s them? Anyway, turns out, he was standing down at the water, just playing his guitar and wandering around, while waiting for his group to arrive. They were from New York. They were staying a few houses back. They weren’t the ones who called the cops on us. They weren’t zombies. We sat and chatted for a few minutes and I contemplated running up to the house screaming of zombies but I was too tired and had too much to drink to navigate the steps while running. I finally heard my wife calling from back at the house and gave them the all clear with the flashlight.

Eventually, all was well and all of our group was back in the house ready for some shut eye after a wonderful, wild, wet evening. Hopefully, Legally Blind Luke managed to see his sister’s truck and make it back to his house before the zombies made their way up the beach.

WUMF: May 2012 Edition

Keerriiiist! It’s almost June. How the ‘eff did that happen? Well, can’t stop time. So, here’s another WUMF!

Top 25 Musical Performances Reprise
Last week I put up my list for the most iconic musical performances in non-musical films.   Well, I screwed up and omitted perhaps one of the most iconic ones.   So, I'll be fixing that.  Let's just say, I was trying to block it out of my head... the Gene Kelly, the fake nose, the codpiece.

Sgt. Hulka Still Hurts
Awhile back, around the first weekend of May, I tweaked my foot cutting grass. I got an X-ray a couple of weeks ago and it showed nothing. I do not have a broken foot. I do not have gout. My doctor says I need new shows. I am just about at wits end.

They put me on an ant-inflammatory which isn’t the best thing on my stomach, one of the only things next to Rum, Vodka, Gin, or Tequila. Now, it’s numb but still noticeable. However, I am feeling much better about it going to the beach…

Going to the beach
Yeah, we are headed back to the OBX here real soon. Another trip into the 4x4 section. This year we managed to snag an oceanfront home for relatively the same cost per couple that we had last year. This one even has an elevator. Very nice.

I am a bit wary though as we are going a different route that was suggested to me by a coworker. I have been a beltway bomber for quite a number of years, so veering away from DC and going the Berkley Springs route is new to me. I’ve heard it’s beautiful. I just don’t want to hear the banjos stop playing... if you catch my drift.

The Banjos Stopped Playing
Everyone kept talking about watching The Hatfields and McCoys on The History Channel. Apparently, it blew away a lot of reality shows in the ratings. That’s pretty amazing, considering it’s the History Channel. However, some folks have talked about how bad the production was from the acting below the three recognizable leads to the lack of realism in the furnishings of the 19th century era old Kentucky homes.

Seems a bit odd that the Hatfields and McCoys had good dental hygiene in the backwoods of West Virginia and Kentucky.

What Else Seems Odd
The Cincinnati Reds are in town to play the Buccos and a strange story came out of the hotel room of Aroldis Chapman. While he was at the game, a 26 year old woman by the name of Claudia Manrique was in his room at the Omni William Penn, as a guest. A man came to the door, claiming to be there to fix the toilet. Later, she was found bound and screaming in the room, which had been robbed. She was interviewed by police and then released. She left the station with a towel over her head and got into a car with a man and woman with Maryland plates.

She met Chapman two months ago in DC and yet she was released and left with a man who police said was her husband. Hmmm. She also left with full knowledge of how to avoid photos… as if she had done it before… hmmm.

Nothing strange here.



Something Strange Here
This has truly been a strange week. A pig on the parkway. A zombie in Florida. Bovines in Boxford crashing a party. Some guy stabbed himself fifty times and threw his intestines at police. And someone in Canada decided to mail body parts around. Didn’t he know that you should group your shipments to save on postage?

If shit blows up while I’m at the beach, I’m staying there. Getting a little weird around here.

Lions and Tigers and Bears in Ohio

What the hell is going on in Ohio?  Yesterday, the town of Zanesville, OH went into lock down because exotic animals were roaming the town.  There were wolves, a giraffe, and monkeys running amok.  Due to the lateness in the day and uninsured results from tranquilizers, the police force were ordered to shoot the animals if necessary.  Carson Palmer is probably glad he got traded.  Otherwise he might have been put down, too.   Efforts by news media to not quote The Wizard of Oz were strained, at best.  And at the moment, there is still a monkey on the loose.  A monkey that was said to have herpes is out there running around, hanging around bars and trying to pick up loose women.

Jumanji Stampede

Turns out, the owner of the animals was just released from prison about a month ago, his wife left him, he was worried that pending laws were going to force him to have to sell his animals, and he decided that his only recourse was to shoot himself and then unlock all the cages before succumbing to his self inflicted wound.

I smell a conspiracy.

The Army of the 12 Monkeys Did It

Electronic signs on the highway warned people of exotic animals on the loose, don’t stop, stay in your car.  Could you imagine driving through Ohio on business and seeing this?  You would have thought two jackasses hacked the signs like they did in  North Carolina a few years ago.

And let’s think about this guy for a second.   He’s been under scrutiny before because of his animals.  There is a rumor that he was using some of the exotic animals for wild game hunting.  So, he deserved to have the animals taken away from him.  But this was turning out to be a bad country song.  “I just got out of prison, my wife left me, and the 'gubment' is taking away my tiger.  I wish I would die.”  So, fine, go off yourself and leave instructions for the animals to be moved to appropriate facilities.   Don’t shoot yourself and then wreak havoc by letting wild animals loose in suburbia.

And how the hell did the monkey get herpes?!?!?   Better yet, how did they know it had it?

Zombies Love Walmart

Since reading the Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z, I often wondered where I would go during a zombie outbreak.  Would I stay home and try to survive on what defenses I could muster or would I pack up the clan and head to a shelter.   We all know both of those options lead to disaster from watching countless movies.  Even going to the mall is risky, but I figured that, in this day and age, if the often thought yet really improbable ever happened I would just go to the one place that had everything for my survival, Walmart.  

Walmart has it all, food, weapons and supplies of all sorts.  I could sack out there for awhile, using it as a shelter.  I could survive on the food in the store while stocking up on medical supplies and weapons  fom the sporting goods section.  However, I have changed my thought process based on one reason and one reason only. Walmart would be open.   If anyone believes otherwise, see here.  Turns out, even in a flood, Walmart remains open.  Debate on the nature of the staffing procedures during such a disaster are ever present.  Were the employees asked to stay or forced to stay.  Did they chose to stay or was there an unspoken rule that if they chose to go home, their jobs or at least their employment in good standing would be in jeopardy.  The response from Walmart was "They chose to stay." 

That means if there was a zombie outbreak, going to Walmart would only be an option if you really had shopping to do because it looks like they'll keep the doors open, even if undead hordes are advancing on the store.   Nice work. 

Finally, a Zombie Television Series: The Walking Dead Adapted On AMC

I think I may have mentioned once or twice, perhaps five times that I think a television series based around a zombie apocalypse would be a fantastic idea. Maybe it was a hundred times. Anyway, it appears that my geek fan boy fantasy has finally become a reality. The hit comic book Walking Dead will be made into a television show with

AMC, which has fast emerged as a top notch channel for dramas like Mad Men and Breaking Bad, plans to air the show in 2010, according to IMDB. Now, I have never read the comic but just what I've picked up from the site and other areas online it follows my thoughts about how to portray a zombie outbreak over a period of time. Instead of just Normal Life / Outbreak / Death / Struggle / Death / Credits the series will follow the complete breakdown of society and the struggles of the characters to gather together and survive the aftermath and how that affects certain people's moral compass.

More interesting is that Frank Darabont is involved. He has a storied career including The Shawshank Redemption as well as some horror roots in Nightmare on Elm Street 3 and The Blob remake.

I haven't been a big fan of AMC in the past, mainly because of the diluted offerings of movies they carry while still maintaining the name American Movie Classics. As an additional pet peeve, I really get miffed that they don't close caption a lot of their content which any father can tell you is essential when you are trying to watch a show and you have little ones are sleeping or napping, nearby. I spend about 85% of my television viewing time reading captions because I have to keep the volume low.

Still, I am voraciously looking forward to seeing them pull this off on the small screen and will have my strained DVR ready to record for Live+7 viewing. I am also glad that the show was picked up by a cable network instead of the Big three or Medium 4, if you choose to include Fox. I'm sure Fox already passed on this show because they didn't have any other available time slots on Fridays to dump it like every other good show. From what I gather from an interview with the author, NBC almost had it and we've seen what happened to another "comic book" style show after its first season. We've also seen what they've done to their schedule. Having this show on television and on a major network would be a slow and painful death as it would have to be aired at ten o'clock which runs into Leno's show. I'm seeing a pattern of death here. Not to mention a show of this nature would be extremely sanitized of all content necessary for a gritty, post apocalyptic show about flesh eating living dead attackers.

So, kudos to cable for being a creative safe haven for great shows. Boo to the big networks for bowing to the sponsors and giving the audience a big old middle finger to bite off and chew. I may have to start reading the comic as research. That will be the official reason for me to be reading a comic book I'll have you know.

Best Zombie Films of All Time

Another day another list. This time, Entertainment Weekly lists their 25 Best Zombie Films of all Time. Groans and cheers filled the comments section and I, for one, find very little tastiness in what they offered. Here is the list they gave.

25 Planet Terror
24 Diary of the Dead
23 Land of the Dead
22 Zombie Flesh Eaters
21 Night Of the Living Dead (1990)
20 Resident Evil Extinction
19 Pontypool
18 Braindead
17 Homecoming
16 Dead Snow
15 I walked with a zombie
14 Undead
13 Serpent and the rainbow
12 Dead Set
11 Omega Man
10 Return of the Living Dead
9 Re-Animator
8 Day of the Dead
7 Cemetery Man
6 REC
5 Night Of the Living Dead (1968)
4 Dawn of the Dead (1978)
3 Shaun of the Dead
2 28 Days Later
1 Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Despicable, isn’t it? Apparently, someone doesn’t understand what constitutes a zombie movie, let alone, a good one. Throughout the article the author states, “I know this is not technically a zombie film” and such but I have a simple reply, “Take it off the list.” For instance, The Omega Man is about vampires or at least apocalyptic viral vampirism. Dead Set is a television show, not a film. The gripes could go on and on. Now, I want to reorder that list, omitting and substituting some of the selections. I managed to do it in a list of only 15 with one honorable mention.

1. Dawn of the Dead (1978)
The original is the best, not the remake. I’ll give it some props when I come to it, but as far as zombie films go, you have to tip the skull cap to Romero. The feeling of despair and dread of living in a world gone mad is only heightened by the fact that in the zombie genre, simple mistakes lead to catastrophe. A complete breakdown in society and civil infrastructure is a huge element to modern zombie films. Not just flesh eating dead people.

2. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
The predecessor to the modern day zombie movie can be summed up in one line, “They’re coming to get you Barbara.” Maybe it’s my proximity to the locations. I’ve been to Evans City Cemetery. Maybe it’s the nostalgia of being close to a big part of pop culture history. Whatever the reason, taking a group of people, trapping them in a small and easily penetrable shelter, and letting them turn on each other is great commentary on society.

3. Shaun of the Dead
Beyond the fact that it’s almost a spoof of the zombie genre right down to its title, SOTD deserves high marks for nailing the genre with its parallels of “Walking through life like a zombie” and making key decisions in bad situations and dealing with the consequences. Also, what to do when your mum becomes infected and doesn’t tell you. Not to mention it’s effing hysterical.

4. Thriller
WTF?!?!? (Internet Slang quota reached) You’re asking yourself, “Why is a music video on a list of films?” Well, I’ll tell you. Because, technically, it is a film, in short form. Also, it was eligible for an Academy Award. Now, I won’t say that it was eligible for a Best Picture Award because it was less than 40 minutes long. However, because it was featured with a special presentation of Fantasia, it was given eligibility by the MPAA for an Academy Award. That being said, you cannot argue that Thriller was not a great zombie film. Better than at least four of the ones on EW’s list. You have creepy corpses, rising from the grave. You have a damsel in distress. You have veteran horror film actor Vincent Price providing the “Thriller Rap.” Not to mention, you have a zombie dance number that was kick ass. Now, I’ve already been told that this isn’t a film by a trusted friend and while I respect their judgment and counsel, I maintain my position.

5. White Zombie
A classic starring Bela Lugosi. Though it did not earn a lot of street cred, or money, at the box office it stands as one of the original zombie movies, vodou not flesh eater.

6. Serpent and the Rainbow
True to the actual definition of the word zombie, SATR is not about flesh eating corpses but control, power, and vodou. While the author of the book for which the film was based on felt very displeased with the adaptation, the film still gives me shivers with its imagery and one specific scene involving a hammer, a spike and a naked man.

7. Planet Terror
If for anything else, Robert Rodriguez knows how to have fun with goo. Part of the Grindhouse double feature, Planet Terror boasts an all star cast including Bruce Willis, Josh Brolin, Rose McGowan with a machine gun for a leg, Michael Biehn, and Fergie…go figure. Gooey Zombies, bodily fluids, missing reels, and a really bad dog puppet that gets splattered on the road all provide the typical exploitive feel of a cheap drive in horror fest you’d find from the 70s. Taking those elements and using 21st century filming techniques compliments a rollicking good flick.

8. Day of the Dead
The film I consider the end of the Dead series started by Romero continues the story with scientists and military soldiers trying to coexist in a confined space. While one of the scientist domesticates a zombie called Bud, tensions ramp up as each group acts upon orders from the government which may or may not still be in control of the country as the zombie apocalypse has wiped out most of humanity. Like most zombie genre films, communication breakdowns lead to warring from within and ultimately destruction from the zombie at the door.

9. Return of the Living Dead
The Tar Man, Trash’s Cemetery Dance, the zombie who says, ”Send more cops” give the film that acknowledges NOTLD as a real event but not a prequel a great feel. Though somewhat of a comedic take on the zombie genre, ROTLD amps up the tension by changing the rules. Zombies crave brains, have intelligence and cannot be killed, again, by a shot to the head.

10. Night of the Living Dead (1990)
Remakes are always a touchy subject for me. There have been several bad remakes or unofficial sequels to Romero’s work including the original NOTLD which was made into a 3D version in 2006 and it was pretty, pretty awful. However, the 1990 version directed by Tom Savini is just as good as the original and offers a different take on the fates of certain characters. In this version Barbara is not catatonic and as useless as in the original and actually survives the night after fleeing the house. Ben, played by Tony Todd (Candyman, Final Destination) is shot and wounded by Henry Cooper and hides in the basement as did the original Ben, but instead of emerging unturned and being mistakenly shot by police, he does become a zombie and is killed. Henry Cooper, who was killed by his daughter in the original, manages to survive, abandoning the others and hiding in the attic after being shot by Ben. The next morning when Barbara returns to the house to look for Ben she finds Harry alive relieved that she “Came Back” for him. She shoots him for his cowardice and says, “Another one for the fire.” The final images of the film carry the message of how we have become a monster all our own and have begun torturing the undead for sport and pleasure. This is a theme not explored in the original.

11. Braindead
Before King Kong and The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Peter Jackson made some pretty wicked horror films including this one which was re-titled Dead Alive in North America. The premise is simple. Man attempts to smuggle evil weird creature into civilization, creature bites someone’s mother who becomes a zombie, that someone’s family member refuses to dispatch them, more zombies, more death, including death by lawn mower. It’s a splatter fest that still tops lists as the goriest movie ever.

12. Resident Evil
Based on what is considered the best Zombie Survival Horror Video Game Series, Resident Evil is an adaptation that actually works on certain levels as a good adaptation and good zombie film. The good: The theme of the Umbrella company developing a virus that eventually gets released turning employees and the residents of Raccoon City into zombies.Using elements of the game such as the Red Queen, The Super Train, The Lickers, S.T.A.R.S.,Traps like the laser grid that slices up members of the team.Cool zombies with cool moves and kills. Zombie dogs like the gameThe bad:Not a lot of congruity between game and film.Too much difference in the locations vs. the gameNot enough zombie threat. Granted, the game only has zombies in the first part, after that it’s all Bio Engineered Animals/Plants/Insects and mutated zombies.


13. Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Again, remakes and sequels have a tendency to be really bad. This one is not as good as the original but does earn some cred for including a cover of Down With the Sickness by Richard Cheese and Johnny Cash’s The Man Comes Around in the opening credits. The best parts of the movie are pure zombie genre goodies. Ana fleeing her husband who abandons his pursuit to attack a robe clad neighbor on his lawn.Aerial shot of Ana driving from town as mass hysteria ensues including a car crashing through an intersection into a gas station and exploding.The death and reanimation of Frank (Matt Frewer) is a classic archetype moment of despair and dread being experienced by his daughter.The A-Team Bus ShuttlesThe crash and dismemberment of half the team while escaping.

14. Re-Animator
Cult classic status aside, this is an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s work “Herbert West-Reanimator.” The tale imagines zombies as a kind of Romero/Vodou hybrid. They are willing servants to a master but are violent and in some cases cannibalistic. The movie adaptation spawned two sequels which work to adapt some of the beginning and end of Lovecraft’s serialization. Jeffrey Combs is the main character but scream queen Barbara Crampton makes an appearance as the daughter of the dean of Myskatonic University who gets molested by a zombie.

15. Night of the Creeps
Tom Atkins, known, mainly in his native Pittsburgh, for his expert portrayal of Art Rooney in the stage production of “The Chief” is also known for his role in Halloween III: Season of the Witch, the horrible entry into the Halloween franchise. Here he is a cop trying to destroy slug like alien creatures that have infected and possessed humans, turning them into zombies. It’s campy, it’s 80s, it has one the funniest exchanges in dialogue, ever. “I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here.” “What’s the bad news?” “They’re dead.”

Honorable Mention
Cemetary Man aka Dellamorte Dellamore
This one has been making the rounds on Encore and other cable movie stations. At first I couldn't make heads or tails of what was going as my wife was sucked into this tale, but after watching again, I started to appreciate the commentary that the film follows. Rupert Everett is the titular character, dispatching zombies as they rise out of graveyard along with his mentally handicapped assistant, who begins a love affair with a reanimated head. Everett's Francesco Delleamorte carries out his job like so many of us in this world. "This is my business. They pay me for it." he laments as he blows away a resurrected biker who springs forth from the grave on his bike. The grim reaper also appears, as an over sized puppet, trying to recruit Dellamorte as a fellow reaper. It grows on you like only an Italian film can.

RIP Mongo

Shhh! I’m thinking.

What? Oh, that title…no, nothing bad has happened, not yet. I was just thinking about my inevitable death. Someday, I shall be no more and my four readers will finally get their lives back, minus a few years of inane blog posts they’ve sorted through here at M.A.M.S. I just figured it would be interesting to plan out what my obituary would say. I know what it should say. But, perhaps we could take a look at what it could say. I was recently discussing the deaths of some famous people with family and friends and had decided that I did not want my obituary to read, “Died from anal cancer” like some of Farrah Fawcett’s online obituaries had read if I were to ever die from anything remotely connected to my ass or other parts used for disposal of waste. Now, a publicist for David Carradine said that the Kung Fu star died fighting ninjas, which I thought was far more appropriate than the dreaded Michael Hutchence’s syndrome. My good friend asked if there was ever an obituary that made it past the editors and contained various references to either false accomplishments or hysterical hyperbole. The winner might just be Michael Jackson when all is said and done, but I thought I’d give it a go.

Mongo died, today, at the age of 115. He was killed while fighting a zombie horde that had invaded his hometown. Mongo managed to dispatch several zombies, with only a crowbar, while simultaneously rescuing a family trapped in their poorly protected home. He was bitten on the arm by one of the undead and proceeded to detonate a propane tank killing him as well as the remaining attackers. This was considered the only outbreak of undead nature and the disaster has been averted thanks to the Supercentarian.

Mongo had accomplished quite a lot in his 115 years on this Earth. He was raised in the desert by his Uncle and Aunt on a moisture farm near the Jundland Wastes. His childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons, in the winter he was known to play in his most prized possession, an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. A tragic gun accident cost him the life of a childhood friend and nearly his own eyesight forcing Mongo to never use another gun, relying only on his own ingenuity, a Swiss army knife, and what was available to him for escaping tight situations.

As he entered into high school Mongo had scored many milestones. Among his achievements, he successfully became a surgeon at the age of 14, though some dispute the age to be 16. An old computerized journal written by Mongo was discovered and converted into existing readable document format by MIT grad students and supported the claim of 14 years. He gave it up though to lead a normal life with his peers. He went back to high school to in order to graduate with his friends.

During his second high school career, he successfully helped his basketball team defeat their rival high school’s Dragons. In that same year it was discovered that a similar looking and possible relative, unconfirmed, played guitar at a high school dance in California, 30 years earlier, prompting speculation that Mongo had indeed gone back in time and performed a yet unreleased version of Johnny B. Goode. The principal of that school has declined comment, only recalling that he was a slacker.

During his senior year, it was rumored that Mongo became embroiled in an international incident between the Soviet Union and the United States military when he unknowingly hacked into the military’s supercomputer used to predict possible outcomes from nuclear war. He just wanted to play games. This incident has been denied by both the U.S. and Soviet Republic’s Government as something you could only find in a movie. One last highlight occurred in Mongo’s adolescence when he successfully skied the K-12 slope, beating the captain of his high school ski team, Roy Stalin.

After graduating he spent the summer as a caddy at Bushwood Country Club where he competed for a college scholarship against other Caddies. Winning the Caddy Day golf tournament proved him a worthy recipient but some unconfirmed discretion with a club cofounder’s niece forced his disqualification. Undeterred, he somehow obtained enough funds for his college career from local businessman, Al Czervik. As the summer wound down he spent a few weeks in Nantucket, single handedly winning the Nantucket Regatta with a makeshift boat and crew assembled from various locals and the engine of a sports car. Before entering college, he had another brush with luck as he was responsible for saving actress Brooke Shields from drowning. He was offered a large sum of money and subsequently blew it all hiring, musical group, Van Halen to play at his birthday. What money he had left was used to attend college.

Over the next few years, Mongo attended a variety of schools, earning him degrees in all manner of study. As an undergrad, he studied astronomy at Grand Lakes University and competed on the dive team. He performed a nearly impossible dive dubbed the Triple Lindy which earned him the only perfect 10 from judges. The dive has since been banned from collegiate diving due to its inherent danger. Afterwards, he transferred to Adams College where he successfully defeated the Alpha Beta fraternity employing a high tech laser light and sound show in the talent portion of the annual Greek Games. This victory led to his own fraternity's wresting of power, over the Greek Council, from the Alpha Betas and an end to nerd persecution at Adams.

Tapping into that associated brain power he felt within the Tri Lambda fraternity at Adams, he decided to leave and attend Pacific Tech to complete a physics degree and worked on a research team consisting of fellow students tasked with designing a chemical laser and tracking device for the military. No such device has ever been claimed to be in existence or contracted by the military and, as such, any information would be deemed classified. His final few years in college were spent in business school while he moonlighted as a hot shot bartender.

After graduating college a second time, Mongo entered into the world of business as a mail room clerk while secretly becoming a high powered executive simply by occupying an empty office. He kept the company from being acquired in a hostile takeover by influencing a number of high rollers in the business world to bank roll his bid to take over the Davenport Enterprises in a proxy fight for the Pemrose Corporation.

Not satisfied with big business or medicine as a career, Mongo moved into the realm of archaeology and retrieved several priceless artifacts such as the Cross of Coronado, the Lost Ark of the Covenant, and it is rumored that he found the stones of Sankara, and the Holy Grail, though evidence is there to support it. There was an additional report that Mongo found the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull but this was deemed too silly even for the most diehard fan of his exploits.

It has been rumored that Mongo is simply a pseudonym, an alter ego for various identities associated with Batman, Superman, James Bond, and even the most outrageous, that he is, indeed, Hannah Montana. As incredulous as it sounds, neither him nor Montana have been seen together at the same time. Further reports that he is the Lindbergh baby have been seen as either ridiculous or intriguing from various points of view.

Other identities connected to Mongo that have either been proven false or are undetermined have been:

Keyser Soze
Client # 8
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Spartacus
Tyler Durden
Grand Priory of the Sion
Jason Bourne
General Maximus Decimus Meridius
and,
The guy in the creepy Burger King Costume

While none of these have ever been confirmed it is worth noting that no one has disputed these claims.

Mongo is survived by his wife and daughter as well as the rest of his extended family which include, Jan, Peter, Bobby, Greg, Marcia, Cindy, but not Oliver; Alex P., Mallory, Jennifer, but not Andrew; Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper, and Snorky; various Happy Tree Friends, Bucky T. Katt, Satchel Pooch, and Rob; Gordie LaChance, Chris Chambers, Teddy DuChamp, and Vern Tessio, even though he was the fat kid that grew up to marry Rebecca Romijn, the bastard; Stewie, Chris, Brian, Peter, Lois, and the other one; the fourth member of Destiny’s Child, Lisa Lopes’ right eye, Randall Flagg, The Dread Pirate Roberts, Ante Meridian, Uncle Meridian, and all the Little Meridians, The Noid, and various members of Menudo.

Guests will be received at The Brickyard citing that Chuck Norris’ beard could not hold his awesomeness, Circus Maximus could not be booked, and Michael Jackson’s memorial in the Staples Center was like seeing Quiet Riot at the County Fair. He will be interred at Machine City until a more suitable venue can be entered into the Pop Culture World for his eternal rest.

Hail to the King, baby.

Boston Police Department Ready To Alert You Of Zombie Invasion

Technology is a wonderful thing. It’s also scary for those hesitant to adopt it. As the youth of America become more geek advanced than the rest of the population, working adults in services that have been around for decades must tap into that inner child and learn new methods to keep up with the ever growing customer or client base. Police Departments are no exception. Growing up, we had a scanner that beeped and whistled with garbled messages from dispatch to responder. The pulsating channels of the scanner chased along like a Broadway marquee, only stopping to crackle out a incoherent message, now and then. But now, we have online applications that are available on our mobile devices that allow us to keep in touch with services at an instant and in readable text.

The University that my wife teaches piano lessons at has an email and mobile phone alert system for any lock downs, cancellations or other important information that must be disseminated to the student body and faculty. In the wake of tragedies like Virginia Tech, the ability to get a hold of this new media and communication methods is a valuable use of technology. Technology that would otherwise be used on inane activities like texting each about how boring Calc class is or what happened on Gossip Girls last night.

It’s nice to see the city of Boston, home of the first organized Police Department in the U.S., adopting new forms of media to help keep the public informed. The fact that they are using Twitter is amazing. Twitter’s stigma has been relegated to mostly competitions between Ashton Kutcher and CNN for the most followers, and the ridiculous need to know what’s in the heads of people that you really don’t want to be in anyway. Unfortunately, the accessibility of Twitter comes at a price, and that spawns unintentional humor…..and a shirt, of course.

Thanks to my good friend and the Consumerist for this one. The Twitter feed from the BPD detailed a simple injury report on one of its officers after the officer was bitten on the arm by a suspect. A follower asked a question about the nature of the injury. “If it was a zombie bite, would you tell us?” The Police responded, “Yes, absolutely.” Normally, a goofball natured question like this would be ignored and left to die on the vie. However, the BPD, set the bar pretty high on transparency and provided an official response. Now, one has to wonder if this was an automatic response or if there was some process to the exchange. Did the person who Tweeted have to get some kind of clearance to make that claim? Is there a procedure already on the books to handle a zombie situation? What would be the Police Code for such an emergency, 419 committing a 240? I would think that in a regulated environment such as law enforcement, simply placating the follower by giving him a curt response was a subtle attempt at turning the butt of that joke around, however, I think something more is going on here.

Perhaps the Boston Police are already prepared for an onslaught of living dead Slouching Towards Beantown. After all, they’ve already got shirts made up and everything…

Boston Police Dept. Zombie Task Force
Now at Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash! The Store

Zombey Road

Since the first day I opened the M.A.M.S shop on CafePress, I’ve been trying to figure out how to capitalize on my region’s affinity for zombies and zombie culture. The most famous films shot in the area are of course, Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead. While, Land of the Dead was set in Pittsburgh, the film was shot in Canada. Kevin Smith even filmed, Zack & Miri Make a Porno in Pittsburgh, complete with fictional hockey team, The Monroeville Zombies, in the movie. Me, I am a cinemaniac and have an affinity for human brains….kidding. So, of course, I have a section dedicated to Zombie Ware on my CaféPress store. As of right now, there are only four designs. The Zombie Food Pyramid, Moods of the Living Dead, Brains!, and my newest design, Zombey Road. This last design was a labor of love as it took five minutes to conceive and two months to actually design.

The basis for Zombey Road is simple. I mixed Abbey Road with walking zombies. Simple, right? Not on your life. I did everything I could to make it work. Suddenly, it all became clear. Silhouette it! Then the features would be easy to hide among the shadows. Not to mention, there’s a great contrast of the bright crosswalk strips from the famous Abbey Road intersection to the black shuffling shapes moving across the street in search of their prey, which in this case, would be John Lennon. Ironic, as he was the first Beatle to die and here the position in which he held on the album cover, first, is the only human left….or is it?

In any case, since I like to double up my efforts, I need a dark shirt design as well which also presented another problem. How do I break up the lines between the legs of the zombies and those famous crosswalk strips? Again, it was easy. I needed to retain the white lines, so I made them an outline. For the inverted design that would appear on the dark shirts, I decided that I had to, again, keep the white stripes and erased an outline around the legs and feet, giving the zombies, the familiar gait of the Beatles.



After fiddling around with different design styles for two months, I finally nailed it this weekend. I think it came out rather well. In all, it took me two hours of zoomed in erasing to finish up the images. They went up on Easter Sunday and no the irony is not lost on me. After all, Jesus is patient zero in zombie popular culture, right? Of course, my customers, as few as they are, will be the judge, jury, and executioner on this. I’ll either be praised or crucified.

CafePress Shopkeeping Now It Is For Real.

I have officially ended my free trial period and am now a full time Premium Shopkeeper, that is according to my email that states I’ve just been charged $59.95. What does that mean? I have money in my account….thankfully. It also means I am on the hook for $5.00 every month. As a basic shopkeeper I was getting free use of my shop to create and promote one design per article (shirt, mug, button). Now, for my monthly fee, I am able to create and produce several designs for the same article, customize my storefront, and create sections and sub sections for better organization of my designs. To top it all off, I am able to create a product line and import it into another section so that I can change the image, description, name, and price in bulk. Not bad for the price of a Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks.

Since opening my basic shops back in 2006, I have managed to sell four items in the span of two years. Since opening my premium shop at the beginning of March, I’ve sold just as many items in the span of two weeks. It doesn’t take a Fortune 500 CEO to see that membership has its privileges. Then again, I did more work in two weeks than I did in those first two years. Paying for something tends to motivate you versus getting it for free. Granted, with what I’ve made, I do not have to dip into my own pocket for four months. Hopefully, my stream of sales will be steady enough to show a bit of profit by the end of the year so that I don’t have to spend my own money. I’ve already made a deal with myself that if I don’t make enough to at least cover operating expenses in the first year, I’ll close up shop.

Now, if I close up shop what happens to all my stuff? I already planned for that event. If I close up shop, I will move all of my designs into basic shops. That means I will have one basic shop for every design. You see why premium is better? I would have to manage multiple sites and multiple marketing streams. It also becomes problematic because in some cases I would have to double up on a site in order to have the same image with a different background. Confused?

Let’s take this design for example, iPoot. Ok, so I am not above doing fart jokes. Who is? It’s a funny subject. I’m sure you recognize the context of the picture. It has a dark green background which shows up nice on white shirts. However, on the dark shirts it becomes a problem. To deal with this issue, I created three more images with the same theme but different color schemes. There’s the transparent with just the picture in black and lettering in white. This allows you to utilize the different colored shirts as the background colors in the various ads you’ve probably seen. In essence the entire shirt becomes a colored background like the small box around the original image. Then there is the inverted transparent image with no background color and all black letters and picture. This works great for buttons and magnets that aren’t exactly square as well as apparel that have colored sleeves or use the image on the pocket like golf shirts, light colored shirts, and zipper apparel. To maximize the possibilities I used two different images on the same shirts that offered multiple colors, including black. On one shirt, I removed black as an option for one of the designs and on the other included all of them. If I revert back to a basic shop format, I would need to have two different shops for one style of shirt. Believe me, it is a lot of work to maintain separate sections on one site.

So, what has been the biggest problem I’ve had as a shopkeeper? I’ve had two which are kind of number one and two in my book. I think the biggest problem is the amount of time that goes into organization, not to mention how those changes affect searching. When I started out, I had about 10 designs which all kind of sat in my main storefront. That became rather unorganized and just kind of sitting there. I wanted to be able to have people use the store with certain ideas in mind. “I’m at Mongo’s store, not what? Oh, I see a bunch of different designs with nothing to tie them together. Bye bye.”

I went back and created sections. Designs that were inspired by Video Game Themes, Television Themes, Movie Themes, Pop Culture Themes, Zombie Themes, and Mongo Themed items to promote the blog. Within each of those sections are designs based off of the theme. Within each design section is all of the products with that design. Now, when people come to my store, they can decide what type of design they want based off of the theme and then they can see all the products that contain that design. It also serves to allow them to see a bigger picture of the design and then they can see what it looks like shrunk down to the size of the image on the product.

Searching from the main CafePress site has nothing to do with the organization of my items in my store and just allows anyone to search for a design and then see mine in the list of results. That’s where my second issue arises. I usually do a quick search for the idea I have to see if it has already been created. This keeps me from copying other people or gives me the opportunity to see how my design can be an improvement on someone else’s. It’s not copying because my thought process never used their design as a basis just as a comparison. If I feel mine is better suited, I will create it. If I don’t, I’m not going to waste the time designing the artwork and then competing with an established design.

However, if I see a lot of themes playing out, I will consider mine to be listed among them. Different designs, different logos, similar concepts. For instance, I am an animal lover. I have four cats, how can I not be one? Anyway, I saw a button a few years ago that parodied the “I Heart Something” shirts. Instead of the letter “I” and the graphical depiction of the Valentine Heart it was the letter “I” and the graphical representation of a playing card Club Suit and then a picture of a baby seal. In essence, “I Club Seals.” Crude and possibly offensive, but a clever take on the whole “I heart” genre of designs.

Oh, come on, how can you be that offended by that? I’m not advocating poaching and whaling and all that horrible behavior. I’m just making light of situation. Geez. Where was I?

Right, what I don’t like about being a Shopkeeper. Designing is tough. Anybody can just slap a bunch of words on a shirt, or even a picture that represents words. but to truly think up clever or unique designs takes talent and time. Again, that’s why I do a preliminary search on any idea I come up with before I take the time to go and design it. The other problem with that is that sometimes when we attempt to parody or lampoon certain themes we tend to forget the policies put in place by the administrators of the site. For instance, I did two other silhouette iSomething type of designs. One lampooned Bernie Madoff with his facial likeness a silhouette and his white hair and white lapels from his shirt take the place of the headphones in most of those ads. I simply adorned the image with the word “ iStole.” If you do a search on Bernie Madoff there are currently 92 different designs based on him being a crook or part of Wall Street’s crookedness. Mine never names him in person nor shows his picture. The Content Usage Police nailed me for it. The reason was the “Right of Publicity clause makes it unlawful to use another's identity for commercial advantage without permission. A person's "identity" includes, for example, his look, voice, name, nickname, professional name, and other distinctive characteristics. For example, the "Right of Publicity prohibits you using the picture of a celebrity without authorization on your merchandise.” Now, I can totally be fine with that if I hadn’t seen so many instances of designs based off his likeliness. I opted to get rid of any physical resemblance to Madoff and go with the more obvious of referential parodies.

Another case of supposed infringement was another silhouette design with a drawing of the girl from Night of the Living Dead. Part of her face and the collar from her shirt is in white and the only words on the image is iHurt, which is the only line the character has in the movie. Ok, first off, I should probably stop doing silhouette designs. I get it. It’s a little dated. Secondly, the movie Night of the Living Dead is in the public domain. You can legally download it from some website. What happened was that Romero didn’t properly secure the rights back in the 1960’s and the film slipped into the public domain. When he and John Russo parted ways, later, it opened the door for countless non-canonical sequels, such as the Return of the Living Dead series and other bad “Dead” movies. So, the original is up for grabs. So, I did a search and found several designs based on her character from the movie. However, my design was once again nailed by the Content Police. Why? Their reasoning “Although the copyright might have expired you are still using the likeness of the actor which you cannot do unless they have provided you with an authorization for commercial resale.”

Again, I am willing to abide by that but since there are designs which utilize media stills from the movie, including the likeness of actors without their permission such as Judith O’Dea and Russell Streiner, I volleyed back showing examples and they still didn’t budge. The only saving grace to this is that the likeness in question belongs to Kyra Schon who sells stuff on CafePress from her website using her image as Karen Cooper. That’s why I didn’t fight it when they shut me down the second time. Still, there are a few out there with her likeness and the other cast members which infuriates me. I am not willing to jeopardize my store account because of this. That’s why I kind of classify this as the second ranked annoyance with CafePress.

Ok, so, that’s it for this long winded update. Stay tuned for more tales from the Shopkeeper.

CafePress Premium Store Updates

It has been an exhausting week. First off, today is the day of Mongo’s birth…..which I’ve been trying to fly under the radar with but still people find out and wish me a Happy Birthday. Not that I mind, but I try not to be too outgoing on this day because I may not be in a good mood and why dash someone’s well wishes with my wishy washy well being?

That being said, my wife thinks that I am obsessed with the new store. Well, it’s hard to get up and running, especially during a trial period, so that you can maximize any selling opportunities before they start charging you for your premium store.

On a positive note, I sold another shirt. This little number was inspired by those Spencer Gifts tees with 13 different pictures depicting an act or emotion of the character like Anger, Hunger, Happy, etc. Mix that with the Zombie theme and you basically get the same picture for each mood.

I had to include ennui as it is just too funny to think of a zombie that way.

Now, I added that design on March 3rd and within 2 days, I sold one. Again, I don’t make that much off of each shirt, but it helps boost the visibility of the design early on and will maybe generate more sales. It came from the “Marketplace” which means someone searched a keyword that led them to my shirt, rather than they stumbled into my store and bought something off the rack, as it were.

In that regard, I’ve done some rework on the store, finally. I used the basic template and structure to get things up and running, but as I add designs and products for those designs, I find myself having a hard time managing all these products in one place. Now, being in the job I currently am, I am very conscious towards scrolling and clicks to the center of a tootsie pop. If someone searches CafePress for keywords that lead to my items, so be it, but that is only half the battle. You might also get people wandering into your store and the further they are from a selection means the further you are from a sale. If you have some good marketing skills you can drive customers into your store from outside CafePress’ website. In that case, the better your organization is, the better you can fight a two front battle.

When I first opened the store, I wasn’t thinking ahead. Oh, I’ll throw up a couple of designs and add some shirts and that’s it. But what I found was that you need to constantly be thinking and working ideas to see which produces results. If you have a niche store, selling unique designs, you probably don’t have to do as much work. Simply add a new design every so often, throw it on some products and wait. But, if your brain is constantly going, like mine, you want to try and capture everything. Hey, I just thought of a funny design, I need to go work on that. Soon, you have 15 designs. Oooh, I want that to be in different colors for the dark shirts. Take those 15 designs and multiply by that by how many colors you want to display.

Here’s a prime example. I have a store section called, “Insert Coin.” This is basically where I’ve put all my designs that are based on or inspired by video games. Being a child of the Atari Age, I thought it would be cool to capture some of those pop culture kernels of cheesy goodness and “make some shirt.” I had three ideas which I thought were clever. So far, I’ve only gotten to one. The other two are going to be awhile, because my first design spawned three more related designs and three colors for each.

Based off the old Adventure game, I put the dragons on individual shirts. Clean and simple recreations drawn on a transparent background should be easy. Let’s face it, the Atari was not that advanced, recreating a blocky dragon that looks like a duck is easy. However, there are three distinct dragons in the game, Yellow – Yorgle, Green – Grindle, and Red- Rhindle. Now, I have three colored designs on 15 or so shirts. Then, the other two designs I had for the dragons had to be produced the same way. Now, my section was very crowded with all these dragon shirts and my poor Keytar Hero shirts were lost in the shuffle. Rearranging the store to stagger the designs on each style shirt style caused any customer to have to scroll through a lot of dragons to find a Keytar Hero shirt that they may want.

Rhindle, the meanest of all three dragons.

This is where my work experience comes in to play. If I break up the section into designs. I can then have the front of the Insert Coin section showcase the individual design. If they click on that design, they can go to a section of those products and instead of scrolling through multiple designs, now they are scrolling through multiple products with the same design. In essence, I’ve created a basic shop all over again and imported it into a premium hierarchy. Remember, in your basic shops, you are allowed one design per product but multiple products per one design. I can’t believe I didn’t see this concept sooner. If I were to create different basic shops, like I used to, I would follow the same pattern. So, if I follow that model, managing my products will be a lot easier.

Now, whenever I come up with an idea for a shirt, I build the section, first. Add a design to the section and then import all of the shirt styles from another section. This keeps me from having to go through and choose each one the list. Then, I can now check all and change the name, description, and image on the shirts in bulk. With each section devoted to a design instead of a theme, this frees me from having to scroll down through 30 or so shirts checking which ones I want to change. It also makes it easier to manage the markups and color choices. Some designs don't work well on dark shirts, so I have to go back and choose those to change the image to an inverted color scheme so that they'll show up. This came into play with my Wii-knee shirts. Apparently, there is a report that Wii related injuries have been cropping up involving gamers' knees. How could I resist?

The drawn outline shows up OK on a white t-shirt.


But it would have been lost on a dark shirt, so an inverted image is used.


Just in case, I also included a design with just the phrase.

That's all for now. I still have many designs to try and get into the store, but I am just about out of trial time, so the quicker the better. Now, I'm paying $5.00 a month and as of today, I have about three months paid up with sales. Hopefully, soon, a profit will be made. More later.

Are You Ready For the Zombie Apocalypse?

Warning! I am obligated to mention that this article is solely for entertainment purposes. As far as I know there is no Zombie Apocalypse at this time. Were this indeed a Zombie Crisis, the usual sarcastic piece you are about to enjoy would be replaced with actual instructions for you to follow in order to survive. This is only a post…

With the legalities out of the way, I have to pass along my thoughts after reading Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide. Yes, the book was published in 2003, but I’ve read three books since college and that was 15 years ago. If you get a chance pick up this book. It’s an easy read. It got me to thinking, though, as we head further into the recession. “This book makes a lot of sense.” I mean you could totally substitute zombies for anything like pandemic, economic collapse, robots….kidding. While, it reads like a mock survival handbook it offers a lot of good tips for any survivalist. One great thing is that Brooks treats this as science and not science fiction. There is a truly logical explanation for the appearance of zombies and it’s neither supernatural or extraterrestrial. Like I said, the book got me to thinking about how we could end up in a parallel situation and I thought, “What a great television show this would make.”

Now, I’ve thought long and hard about a potential zombie movie as has probably any novice filmmaker in the Southwestern Pennsylvania area. We are home to the Evans City Cemetery and Monroeville Mall, which were locations for Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, respectively. Pretty much every zombie movie deals with an infection back story and subsequent breakdown in society. Survivors make costly mistakes that lead to further infection and reanimation and usually zombies are great for moral object lessons about society.

Get your own BRAINS shirt
from Mongo Angy! Mongo Smash! on cafepress.
Strange we can believe in.

My own movie would actually start after the outbreak and pickup with a survivor, kind of like I am Legend and would detail what happened but it would run two parallel stories about our protagonist and patient zero as their destinies intertwine leading to them both being cryogenically frozen and thawed out a thousand years into the future when society has rebounded and eradicated the threat. Of course, arrogance would rear its ugly head and instead of listening to the protagonist and destroying the zombiesicle, it reanimates and starts the infection all over again. Since this new society is devoid of any historical information about what had happened, they are FUBARed.

Zombies? Future societies? Give me a break, it’s science fiction.

Now, back to the idea about a television show. With the success of such shows like LOST and Heroes relying on a core cast of characters who are basically damaged goods and through flashbacks and metaphorical storytelling, we get a slow reveal, solving some central mystery that keeps the show moving for a few seasons. The same would go for a zombie series. You have a core group of survivors who come together to live in some microcosm of society whether it be a shopping mall, isolated island, or whatever, and through a series of character centric episodes you find out how they survived they outbreak and how they figure into the overall show. Were they fairly skilled with a weapon? Did they cower in a corner until it was safe to run? Did they sacrifice innocent people for their own safety? Are they the one who broke the world? When you’re dealing with heightened tensions and close quarters, trust is a hard thing to come by and sometimes the monsters may not always be reanimated corpses.

As the show progresses, attempts to find a cure present themselves and like shows about displaced characters ala Gilligan’s Island or Land of the Lost, rescue or escape is usually within fingers grasp only to be snatched away. Following believable scenarios survivors attempt to restore society, reclaim territory, defeat insurgency much like a real war, or at least like Red Dawn or Jericho. You’re talking about a very tech heavy society being reduced to coconut radios. I think it’s a fascinating character study. Civilian versus Military rule, run and hide versus stand and fight tactics, and can-you-shoot-a-loved-one-who-is-infected-but-not-turned questions of moral/religious/survival ethics play out over the course of the show.

Get your own Moods of the Living Dead shirt from
Mongo Angy! Mongo Smash! on cafepress.

Shows like LOST, Heroes, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and True Blood have proven that audiences are willing to watch shows with fantastical and even horror elements central to the plot. It’s the compelling storytelling and character development that drives the bus and people are willing to get on board if you treat them like intelligent human beings. Not everyone wants a reality show. Now, to truly do a show, about the living dead, justice, you would have to produce it on a pay cable channel like HBO or Showtime, complete with some gore and adult language. I mean who, in their right mind would say, “Oh darn, a zombie” if faced with a shambling corpse in their path? No. They would be, “What the F***?!?” at least three times before the notion to run would hit them. As much as I like FX network’s edgier shows like The Shield and Rescue Me, this kind of thing needs to be able to exist in a real sense. Don’t pander for ratings. Shows like True Blood and Deadwood have proven popular and profitable, even with a reduced audience. Besides, there doesn’t have to be a decomposing zombie or horribly gruesome death on screen every episode. The overall arc of the show is about survival in a changed society. Zombies are just the catalyst.

Get your own Zombie Food Pyramid shirt from
Mongo Angy! Mongo Smash! on cafepress.

Getting back to the idea of a collapse in society, here are a few things that are essential. Now, Max Brooks' outlines a lot of steps based on the severity of the emergency from a local to disturbance all the way to complete and utter apocalypse. As I read the book I saw parallels between his topic of choice and the possibilities for social breakdown in today's reality. Look, you're just going to have to go with me on this.

Don’t Panic!
Ok, panic…just a little. It’s inevitable. Let it in for five minutes and then focus. The best strategy is to ready yourself ahead of time, but if you can’t the second best strategy is to keep a cool head while others panic.

Be Prepared or At Least Be Smart.
No one is ready truly ready for this kind of thing. However, you know how some people tell you to be prepared for a recession or unemployment? It’s an always moving target but the last one I read said that you should have nine months worth of salary saved up in case of an emergency. Anyway, who really has nine months worth of salary saved up, not to mention, who thinks that money is going to matter if there is a true breakdown in society. We’re going to be reduced to a goods vs. services level of economic value. Can you grow food? Can you hunt? Can you build shelters? No one cares if you can run a bank. They’re more concerned if you can handle a hammer or a hoe.

Get your own Zombey Road shirt from
Mongo Angy! Mongo Smash! on cafepress.

If you have the room in your dwelling for an emergency shelter, build one that can either be reorganized, moved, and fortified. But be careful to not make it a dead end. If your defenses don’t hold, you have nowhere to run. If you underestimate the length of your stay, you could run out of supplies. Now, as much as I like Twinkies and Doritos, those are not going to fly for long sustaining supplies.

Stock up on the essentials - Not everything can go with you, so be smart on what you take.

• Dry Goods (Flour, Sugar, grains) If you have the essential components to make dishes, you can live awhile. Watch Survivor and see how they live.
• Non perishable items - If you have to ask, check with local food banks that accept donations, copy them.
• Water – Portable containers with plain old water. You can always run some from your tap if you don’t have the ability to buy bottled.
• Mixes – While you probably won’t be making a cake. Simple bread mixes or drink mixes can give you a bit of luxury in your now meager surroundings. Just remember, expiration dates are a bad thing.
• Utensils and plates – Keep a separate set of cooking and eating utensils in your shelter. Depending on the nature of the catastrophe, your usual silverware may no longer safe. While you can stock up on disposable flatware and containers, remember waste has to go somewhere. Styrofoam plates aren’t that washable and garbage pickup might be delayed a few….years.
• Games and Magazines – There’s no reason why you should go stir crazy while waiting out the worst. Playing cards and board games may help to break up the monotony and keep your sanity in check. Reading material can also keep your mind sharp. Now may be a good time to take up Sudoku.
• Toiletries – Does your shelter have adequate facilities or should you pack hip waiters? Remember, space is at a premium, so the less waste the better. Toiler paper is okay to have but be sensible when it comes to brand and ply. If you have plumbing in your shelter, that’s great, but remember that in a total collapse of society, simple utilities like running water and waste management may be limited.
• Communication – Cell phones are nice but if the providers are gone or the cell towers aren’t working you are out of luck. Walkie Talkies are still useful in this situation. Also, make sure you’ve got plenty of batteries for radios, lanterns, and any other devices that may come in handy.
• Power – If you were one of the suckers that bought a Y2K generator. Convinced that the year 2000 would usher in a new dark age, you may still get the last laugh. If you have a good supply of gasoline or can get to some, you can keep the lights on for awhile. Just remember, in the event of a zombie outbreak or any other collapse of society, you may not want to advertise that you have power. Conserve fuel and only use power for essentials.

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Boomstick
If a zombie outbreak were truly to occur you might find yourself the center of attention, depending on your surroundings. If you are the kind of person that can handle leadership and decision making, you might be perfect to rescuing and sheltering survivors. If you aren’t, then either follow or get out of the way. The same would go for any disastrous event. If you brag to the neighbor about having a bomb shelter and years of supplies, you may have a knock on your door when the sirens start wailing. Is that okay with you? Now, of course, you want to ensure the safety of friends and family. Perhaps you already have a Dick Van Dyke inspired escape plan in place if there is ever a fire in your home. Let’s think of this as an escape plan on a bigger scale. Does your family have property, like a camp that could be a meeting place in case of emergency? Does someone in your family have the means to shelter numerous extended family should a crisis arise? Is this public knowledge to Nebby Nancy next door?

As long as civil services like police, fire, and military forces are still operating you shouldn’t have to worry about an immediate plan of action. If a hurricane were predicted to hit, you may want to have somewhere to meet up at a safe distance away from danger and just ride out the event. However, if you find yourself in a national crisis, you may want to make sure steps are taken to ensure the safety of your loved ones. When panic hits the streets it’s easy to get caught up in other people’s problems. Are you able to separate yourself for the sake of survival or is every little lost dog your problem? Speaking of animals, what about your pets? I have pets and they are like family. I couldn’t leave them behind so I would have to take steps to transport and shelter them in the event of an emergency.

Now, let’s say the initial wave of terror has begun in earnest. If you’ve taken precautionary measures then you can ride out the first wave and reassess the situation at a later time. If you aren’t prepared and a crisis hits unexpectedly, you’ll need supplies. As I stated before, with civil services still operating it’s best not to become a nuisance. They’re going to have enough on their hands without having to deal with you looting the local Wal-Mart. If your plan is to take care of your own and not raise awareness, then keep yourself off the radar and just get what you need. If you go guns blazing into the store and start declaring manifest destiny you better be prepared to fight your way out. If it were a zombie outbreak, stealth is a big ally. You don’t want to draw attention to your location or lead a group of living dead back to your base of operations.

Same rules apply for other emergencies. There are certain types of people in this world when dealing with a crisis, those who are prepared and those who aren’t and will try and take by force what they want or need. While it is probably necessary to arm and defend yourself if the need should arise, be sure that you don’t put yourself into bad situations.

• Weapons – Do you have the right kind? Can you use them properly? Will there be enough for your group and situation? Do you trust them?
• Guns are nice but require ammo and proper usage. How many times have people died because of stupidity or carelessness?
• Blades are easy to carry but require close quarters to be effective.
• Long handled weapons or tools serve dual purposes but they require closer quarters combat and enough strength to be effective.
• Safety – If firearms are your weapon of choice do you have what it keep yourself and others safe? You’ve got the guns but where is the ammo? Probably not a best practice to keep it all in one place. If you become cut off from your supply you’re screwed. Worse yet, if some kind of accident involving fire or an incendiary device should occur near your storage you could have a bigger problem than intruders.
• Trust – If you have multiple people in your party, whether they be friend of family, can you trust them? Maybe you shouldn’t give the manic depressive a gun. You might find yourself together for a very long time. If society has gone bye-byes make sure your most level headed companions are in charge of the weapons.
• Time To Go - Your fortification may become compromised. You may have outgrown your surroundings. Perhaps it’s time to poke your head out and see what’s going on in the world. If you must abandon your base, make sure you pack up all your essentials. As I stated before, your shelter should be ready to pack and go at a moment’s notice like military units. Some field survival manuals might give you some good tips on best practices. Just like normal everyday life, turn out all the lights and extinguish any fires. You might be able to return. And in case normal, everyday amenities aren't restored to working condition yet, a leftover supply of fuel or power could be useful.

Again, if this is not a national or global crisis and civil services are still operating, don’t assume you can just squat anywhere. The more fair players on the field the better the officiating. If you piss off enough people you may find yourself incarcerated. If things should escalate or progress to full Armageddon you’ll be behind bars with no one to come get you.

Now the odds that something disastrous would occur that would require you take extreme measures is highly unlikely. The odds that you could find yourself without power, water, or other utilities due to weather or human forces is more plausible. You don’t have to be Rambo or those guys North Dakota bomb shelters, but a bit of forethought or planning for an emergency can mean the difference between riding out a rough patch with enough clean food and water to last a few days, and using your phone book to heat a small room in your house while wearing all of your clothes at once.

However, if the zombies do come. I’m going to the mall and I’m taking The Zombie Survival Guide with me.