Travellers Tales 2012 Supplemental: Great Wolf Lodge Sandusky, OH

I’m recapping our trip to the Great Wolf Lodge over Labor Day Weekend… nearly two months later. Next up, I’m talking about the room and the actual hotel rooms and water park.

King Whirpool Suite with Fireplace and Patio

The room was, according to my wife, awesome. We had a King Room Whirlpool Suite with a sofa sleeper for my daughter. There was a gas fireplace, two televisions and a patio outside our room. Not too shabby. At Splash Lagoon we had to walk pretty far from a connecting motel to the actual park. Here, it was simply down the hall and down one floor. After driving for four hours, we wanted to decompress but the kid was jumping on the bed, “Let’s go! Get our swimsuits on, come on!”

Now, Splash Lagoon also had several slides of varying levels of thrill. There were ones for younger riders and then there was the pain hole that I tore myself up on over and over for two days. No such luck, here. It was very kid friendly. They had a small kids area with some little baby slides and standard buckets and fountains to get the little ones wet. In the middle of the complex there was the fort. It was a giant tree house looking structure with lots of rope climbing areas and various pipes and levers to squirt water out at people. Then, every few minutes, a bell rings and a giant bucket drops water on everyone.

Attached at the top were two slides, one that went in the dark and one that didn’t. In the back of the park, there were two kid slides, a couple more tighter turn slides that emptied into pools and two inner tube slides that went outside the building but were still enclosed. On the left side of the building was a pool with basketball hoops, a general swimming area and a small ropes course, and on the right side was the family and adult hot tubs.

Outside, you could go lounge at the pool which had lots of chairs and umbrellas and some basketball hoops in the water at one end. It was nice that they provided lockers at a fairly decent rate per day. The only issue was that the key was your standard locker key on an elastic wrist band. While trying to keep up with my kid, who insisted on climbing up to the top via cargo netting, I snagged the key on the netting and ripped it right off the band. I managed to find her and tell her to stay put while I climbed all the way back down to the floor and search for it. It doesn’t help that there is rushing water everywhere with a giant bucket dumping 1000 gallons on you every couple of minutes. Luckily, I found the key and my kid hung back until I was able to reach her.

After you’re done seeing the park you can get a pretty good, but slightly overpriced meal at the restaurant and even some ice cream. For breakfast they had a pretty decent buffet with omelet station. The thing is, after one day, you’ve pretty much exhausted all there is to do at the park. Splash Lagoon kept us busy for a couple of days but I was pretty much just standing soaked with nothing to do on day two.

After a long first day, we decided to settle down at the lobby and watch the Chuck E. Cheese style show with a bunch of woodsy creatures and a really bad Native American get up straight out of grade school Thanksgiving coloring books.

Clocktower Show

I wanted to download some pictures of the event, so I ran out to the car close to midnight to retrieve my laptop bag which had my microSD adapter in it.  Remember, I don't have a smart phone; just a lowly old LG Cosmos.  On my way out to the lot, I caught a glimpse of something interesting.   Lo and behold there’s one of the local police force parked outside. “Son of a bitch”, I thought. Of course, I had to get a picture of it because, well, if you read any of my Outer Banks posts from this summer you’ll understand why I am a little gun shy when it comes to vacations and the police. The next day, I had asked the server at the breakfast joint and they said the police are here often. In fact, they had an evacuation before we checked in the day before. Gives you a great sense of security, right?

Perkins Township's Finest 

One of the last things we did at the hotel was go into the game room. That was a huge mistake. First of all, the child does not really play video games with any skill or coordination and the first thing she wanted to play was Dance, Dance Revolution.

“You have trouble walking in a straight line. No.”

Then she wanted to win something which is always a joke. After working at Cedar Point for a year we realized how bad the redemption games are. You spend obscene amounts of money for tickets to buy something worth a fraction of the price. Listen, the reason why people always win the Scale Games at amusement parks isn’t because the guesser sucks. The scales have nothing to do with your ability to fool someone. You are the fool because you play. If you see someone win, you are more inclined to play. So, you spend $2.00 on a game and win a prize worth about $0.20.

With redemption games, you pay $0.50 for a game of Skee-Ball, only to get enough tickets to get an eraser or $0.10 piece of candy. Now, the first two games of Skee-Ball ate my quarters, so I had to go get the attendant to refund me. That was a joke. One poor girl manning a counter with each side filled with people. There was no order, no line, no sense of organization. Quite frankly, I was happy to be out of there.

Next up, Marblehead light house and East Harbor State Park

Travellers Tales 2012: And Then The Cops Showed Up

I’d like to think that I am a competent griller. That, when presented the task of cooking up some animal I am capable of producing a good product. Granted, I do not grill like most people. I usually put foil down to keep the juices from leaving the surface. That and when visiting rental houses on vacation, I have no idea what has been on that grill, so I’m not too keen on grilling directly on the grill plates. It’s kind of like using a toilet seat cover in a public restroom.

That being said, all good vacation stories should include the phrase, “And then the cops showed up.”

On Sunday, I took turns making dinner and grilled up 15 steaks. We had 13 people at the house, three of which were under the age of seven. Still, we could make those leftovers disappear on Friday, which is “mustgo” night.

So, of course, I put down foil on the grill and cooked up the steaks with ease. There were two gas grills on the upper deck of the house, right off of the kitchen. It was a little odd to have the grills on a deck, let alone on the top floor. Worse yet, the wind whipped against that side of the house, making it hard to keep the grills lit. Halfway through, one of the propane tanks kicked, forcing me to finish up with all of the steaks on one grill.

nom... nom... nom... nom...

There was a spare tank that appeared to be almost empty, but we tried to hook it up and all it did was hiss gas. So, I called the realty company and asked about it. They sent a guy out, Monday afternoon, with a spare tank. He looked like a typical local; older gentleman, long blonde hair with a handle bar mustache. Somewhat of a cross between Nick Nolte and Hulk Hogan. He confirmed that it looked like a bad regulator on the other grill.

Now, on Monday night, my buddy decided to cook up hamburgers and hot dogs. He made his own patties with ground meat they had brought down from home. He made these huge patties with thumbprints in them. They were sort of falling apart. Perhaps they were too thawed or the 80/20 split on the fat percentage was too much leaving them a bit greasy. Still, they were patty shape and he threw them on the grill, sans foil.

He had various issues with grilling. The patties began crumbling and in flipping them, the bottoms of the burger seemed to peel off and leave a slice of meat stuck to, and in between, the grill surfaces. Large chunks of greasy, uncooked meat began falling down into the grill box. In all, the burgers came out OK and tasted pretty good. But when it came time to grill up the hot dogs, I suggested putting foil down, just in case.

After throwing the dogs on the grill we went back in to wash our hands and refresh our beverages. That’s when someone noticed black smoke floating passed the kitchen window. I then started repeating the word, “Grill. Grill! GRILL!”

We walked back out onto the deck and black smoke was oozing out of the grill. I opened it and it all went out like the Smoke Monster on LOST. The dogs were a little black from all the smoke, but more importantly, the greasy meat on the burners had ignited.

I reached down and turned off the burners. Then, I reached down and turned off the gas. Next, against my better judgment, I let my buddy pour water into the box on the various hot spots. Fire was out. Dogs were burnt… on the outside… and then the cops showed up.

Whoops



Well, that’s not exactly true. They drove past. Then, they drove back towards the beach. Then they drove back up the road and did a three point turn. I wondered what the hell they were doing. I then realized we were the house that was called about. It was about the time I said, “They aren’t coming here are they?” Apparently, our neighbors across the street felt we were going to set the entire house on fire because of a little grill fire. I then went inside and informed everyone that I was going down to talk to the cops. Hide the moonshine… (It wasn’t really shine. It was more like wine. Actually, I’m not sure what it was because it froze in the freezer.) In any case, I didn’t feel like spending a night in a North Carolina holding cell with illegal hooch. I told everyone to be on their best behavior.

I walked outside and met the officer who asked if we were grilling. I said, “yes” and said that the fire was out and all was well. She asked if they could come in and look to be sure. She said they’ve had one too many houses burn down because of this kind of thing. I obliged and her and an older gentleman entered.

She asked if the grills had been moved. I said they were like that when we arrived and that I was unhappy about the location. They checked out the place and all looked good. As we stood on the deck overlooking the driveway, about six more vehicles showed up including an ambulance, another truck with a dog in the cab, and a couple more police cruisers.

I don't know if the dog drove but he came along on the call.

I asked, rhetorically, if all of those vehicles were for this call. The office said that they were and that more were on the way.

“I don’t have that much food to go around.”

She laughed and they went back down. About this time, the entire house was cracking jokes and pointing fingers at me and my buddy. The proverbial icing on the cake came as the last vehicle pulled up to the house. It was a fire truck and who should jump out but PROPANE MAN!

Unreal. The guy that was there two hours ago to drop off a propane tank was now pulling up to our house in a fire truck. I can only imagine what was going on in his mind. “OK. Another fire call. Here we go! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, dear God, no! I just… OK, be cool. Maybe nobody will notice.”

They pretended to put handcuffs on him. Somebody noticed. So, I went down to jag him as well. “I swear to God we didn’t do it!” I yelled. His response, “I told you not to use that f**ing grill!”

Putting Propane Man in Cuffs

In all, the fact that we managed to get the majority of Currituck County Emergency Services to show up on our doorstep was enough to make this trip memorable.

I was hoping to have the Coast Guard show up by Friday.

Next up… make sure you check those tidal charts before you go out for dinner.

Why Are We Still Here

A couple of stories I read during my lunch make me weep for our society.

The first one was Teens in Dallas Mall under age of 17 must be accompanied by parent after 6pm.

I understand I am in the cranky old man demographic now and this would be of great benefit to me when I go to the mall. In fact, I’ve seen firsthand how bad it can be in the evening when I’ve gone to the mall and it’s just a sea of underage humanity, taking up all of the tables in the food court or spanning the entire hallway with their baggy pants, slow gait attitude.

However, how bad is it as a society when we have to start policing the food court and begin asking kids for their ID to see if they should be there? Isn’t that a bit much? Malls aren’t what they used to be. They aren’t the shining beacon of escapism that Tiffany sang in or Robin Sparkles sang about with mucho gusto. They aren’t even as great as what Kevin Smith waxed nostalgic about in Mallrats.

The Internet has pretty much made regular brick and mortar stores inside the mall a thing of the past. Regular department stores in shopping centers, like Walmart or Target still have an impact because they have dedicated entrances and locations that aren’t hard to get to like the Hot Topic on the first level of the mall which ends up on the opposite side of the Earth from where you parked in negative gajillion Kelvin. Besides, teens usually don’t hang out in Walmart or Target for fun.

Malls need business. They need customers. Most kids don’t have a great opportunity to do any shopping until after 4pm due to school. So, why would cut them off from being able to have access to the stores two hours later?

I know. I know. Most kids aren’t at the mall to spend money. They’re there to waste time. So, has the mall in question done the research to see what moneys are being spent by kids under the age of 17 during the hours of 6:00PM and 9:00PM? Or, are they simply identifying a nuisance and eliminating it based on customer complaints.

Again, I understand why the mall is doing it. I understand how frustrating it is to be in the mall when this is occurring. I also understand that this is America and I shouldn’t have to show my papers when I’m in the mall for legitimate reasons.

How so? OK, most malls that have Internal movie theater chains use the interiors of the mall to gain access as well as external entrances. So, I’m a 16 year old and my friend and I go to a 4pm showing of the Hunger Games which ends close to 8pm. We’re hungry… LOL. Something about the movie’s title makes me hungry for food. So, we leave the movie and head to the food court. We get stopped by Paul Blart who asks to see our ID. Because we are under 17 or under, we are told to skedaddle and go back to the clubhouse. Mall loses food revenue and future business from us and all our friends as we Tweet, post on Facebook, and text everyone about what happened. Was that the best way to handle things?

Example two. I’m 18 and don’t have a driver’s license because I took out a bus full of nuns after running over the driving instructor’s foot. My mom drops me off at the mall and I do my shopping in the book store to grab a copy of Driving for Dummies. Paul Blart stops me because I look to be under 17. I say I’m 18 and he asks me for my ID. I don’t have one and immediately have a flashback seeing habits flying hither and fro. I can’t prove I’m 18, so Blart kicks me out. Great job mall, tomorrow, I’m returning the book and never coming back.
The other story that had me scratching my nugget was a NJ town that has started handing out fines to people texting while jaywalking.

REALLY? Ticketing pedestrians for texting while walking? Are we that stupid of a society that we need to be policed to this extent? Is Darwin facepalming in his grave over how technologically savvy yet logically inept we’ve become? Well…it is New Jersey.

Come on, people. I’m not siding with the pedestrians. Yet, I am not siding with law enforcement officials. This is a completely ridiculous attempt at getting money. How do you enforce it? What if I’m trying to dial someone or play Angry Birds? What if I wasn’t texting at all? Once again, invasion of privacy to reveal my phone log history.

And… they want to try to enforce it in other places, like New York City. Can you imagine how many people would be found guilty? There are probably hundreds of thousands of people walking the streets of NYC texting or using their phones for legitimate business purposes.  Are you going to ticket them all?  Does NYC have enough police force to handle the load? 

It's time people start being responsible for their own actions.  Otherwise, why let them have a mobile device or leave the house?  It's obvious some people cannot handle technology or simple actions like walking and chewing gum at the same time.  Why should people who are perfectly capable of doing certain things without incident be punished because some idiots can't make it from point A to point B without being nailed by a car?

Just imagine, a 16 year old gets kicked out of the mall and then gets hit by a car while trying to shop online with their cell phone because they weren't allowed in the mall after 6PM.   

Ridiculous.

Why are we still here?  How have we not inadvertently blown ourselves up or died out from stupidity?  Is technology our giant meteor?  The one that crashes into the planet and extinguishes all life could be the size of a Blackberry.   Smarten up people, before I have to go back to my flip phone that only plays Snakes and can take pictures.

The Return of Fitty Cent

A few years back I was pulled over for doing 21 in a 15mph school zone which resulted in a poorly written carbon copy of a ticket, which resulted in me shorting my fine payment by $0.50, which resulted in a bench warrant out for my arrest upon failure to pay, which resulted in my wife mailing fifty pennies to the magistrate with a scathing letter. Since then, I’ve tried to stay on the straight and narrow.

It only took six years to fall off the wagon.

Friday, I was driving home from work and immediately jumped onto 79 South because traffic was stacked from Robinson. Now, the “back way” as I call it is a 70 mile stretch of highway that follows 79 South to Washington where I jump onto 70 East towards New Stanton and then finish up with the Turnpike to Irwin. This takes about an hour, which is usually how long it takes me to go 35 miles from Robinson to Irwin by way of 376, 22, and any number of back roads to my house.

Driving on 79 isn’t bad, but 70 is like driving the DC Beltway during rush hour. Once I get to the turnpike, I find my happy place and just kind of cruise home. Unfortunately, I was apparently cruising a little too much and the State Trooper parked about a mile away from the Irwin exit pulled me over.

Now, I must preface this by saying I am currently driving a 2005 Malibu Maxx wagon with 80,000+ miles on it. I could see myself doing 75 mph in it, easily. That’s pretty standard. However, the officer stated I was doing 90.

“90!?!?!?” I asked.

“Yes.” He replied.

“90!?!?!?” I asked again.

"Would you like to look at it on the dash cam?” He offered.

“May I?”

I got out of the car and walked back to him while he collected my ID and registration. “See there, the number on the left represents all of the cars passing by.” It read 60, 62, 61, etc. Well, of course it did. Everyone sees the flashing lights and has slowed down under the speed limit. “The number on the right is you.”  It showed 90.

He also said, because I was out there all alone, I was the only one being clocked at that instant. "Had you been driving alongside someone, I probably wouldn't have bothered." (paraphrased) This goes along with some old advice I got from a State Trooper in 1995 who informed me that he wouldn't have pulled me over for doing between 1-15mph over the speed limit. I was doing 71 in a 55 at the time. I was also driving an 84 Pontiac Firebird, a far cry from the family truckster I drive now.



Now, he says the machine is calibrated. Of course it is. My car is calibrated, too. When I get up over 80mph, it shakes. Therefore, if I am cruising along on the highway and doing 90mph, I would not be able to drive with one hand on the wheel, which is what I was doing.  Still, I conceded that he had a calibrated radar and I maintained that my car does not drive smoothly at 90mph. I agreed to disagree.

I dropped my payment in the mail. I sent a check this time…not 11100 pennies.

Woman Attacked In Monroeville PA Book Store

No happy childhood stories, no witty remarks about growing up in the 80s. This is as serious and to the point as it gets.

Recently, a couple were at Barnes and Noble in Monroeville, PA. The husband and wife went in separate directions and while alone, the wife was surrounded by a group of girls and hit on the back of the head with a lead pipe. The girls proceeded to beat her while she was on the ground. The husband, going to find her, saw his wife being attacked and tried to stop it. More of the girls restrained him and tell him not to interfere, that this was a gang initiation.
No police to stop it. No security to rescue them. It just simply took place in a book store.

Now, the wife of this guy is in the hospital. The worst part is, for whatever reason, local police and media are not talking about it or warning the general public. This is a very large and busy mall in the outskirts of Pittsburgh. Some of you not familiar with the area may know Monroeville Mall from the George Romero movie Dawn of the Dead in 1978. But this is not a movie. This is a real situation.

HAD IT BEEN my wife, I would have done everything in my power to help her. I cannot fathom standing witness to this act and feeling as helpless as the husband in this situation. I sure as hell would have been pulling hair, throwing books, chairs, screaming FIRE, or anything to draw attention to this. Of course, my wife would tell you that there would have been a bunch of gang members in the ER and not her but when you get caught from behind with a lead pipe and are dropped to the ground, beaten by multiple attackers, it's hard to get the drop on them.

So, Pittsburgh area visitors and residents be aware and stick close to a group in case this happens again. Let's hope that the media and police start releasing information to warn the public. Let's hope some fellow citizens take action and start helping. I say, you attack me or my family, all bets are off. That's it. One way or another you're getting taken down for such a heinous crime. I'm just that much of a prick to make it a personal mission to get justice.

Man Arrested For Being Naked In Own Home

We have become a very litigious society. People will sue and counter sue at the drop of a hat. I spilled hot coffee on my lap. I must sue the fast food restaurant for serving me hot coffee. You get the idea. A majority of all cases involving suing for damages and what not are ridiculous cases that should never have gone to court. The fact that lawyers are willing to take on these cases just goes to show that Shakespeare was right.

On the other side of that coin of justice is the amount of asinine charges being filed against people for no reason. Grown adults have reverted into nine year olds on the playground threatening to tell their big brother to come kick your ass for kicking dirt in their faces. Sometimes when people abuse the justice or law enforcement system, it plays out to hilarious effects such as the continually aired 9/11 calls from people who aren’t happy with the burger they got from the drive through.

Case in point here is the Virginia man who was busted for indecent exposure while in his own home. Eric Williamson came downstairs, in the early hours one morning, to make a cup of coffee. He was naked at the time and alone in the house. A woman passerby spotted him and called the police. She was walking with a seven year old boy and cutting through Eric’s front yard from a path behind the house when she saw him. Police arrived and arrested Eric, charging him with indecent exposure. In reading this paragraph, you should notice two things about this case. The first one was that Eric was in his own home and the second was that the lady was trespassing on his property when she peeped in his window.

Now, according to the video posted within this article, the system has to prove that Eric intentionally appeared in the window naked, wanting to be seen by this woman. Unless this trespassing was a regular occurrence, how could Eric have known someone was outside. If it was, then you could argue that he may have been tired of people cutting through his property and wanted to give them a show as a prank OR he is truly an individual that does this for fun and knew that this lady or anybody else would be able to see him in his glory.

I say, this lady was should be charged for trespassing and possible invasion of privacy laws. Why even bother calling the police? Who cares? It’s your own dumb luck that you happened to be cutting through this guy’s lawn when he went down for a cup of French Roast with his coffee beans hanging out. I bet she wouldn’t have called the cops had she been cutting through the yard of Hugh Jackman or some other good looking guy and saw them naked in their kitchen.

Think about this, what if the roles were reversed? What if it were a guy walking by and noticed a woman? Who would have been arrested? That’s right. Even if he would have called the cops on her, he would have been given some kind of charges no matter who the woman was.

This is a complete waste of tax payers time not to mention perpetuating the precedence that you can just call the cops for little thing that you don’t like. I hope he beats this rap because it carries a stiff penalty of up to a year in jail. Certainly, any judge would be nuts to think that this case is anything other than other than stupidity. This guy is getting the shaft.

Protestors at the Pittsburgh G-20 Are Idiots

I am sitting roughly 20 miles from the David L. Lawrence Convention Center, in Pittsburgh, and the members of the G-20. Now, since I live and work in the areas surrounding Pittsburgh I have been bombarded by all the plans for the summit, as well as the security measures. If I wanted to travel downtown, I would have a hard time doing it. Most of the off ramps, from what is called “The Parkway East” and “The Parkway West” as well as other major roads around the city, have been closed and have security, and in some cases a camouflaged Hummer, blocking them. Apparently, that guy couldn’t get credit for his clunker, so they put it to good use. Regardless, my proximity to the event leaves me in a state of information overload when it comes to the news about the summit.

Local stations are covering the event nonstop, at least until they leave. Had the summit gone on through Sunday there would have probably been a break in coverage for the Steelers – Bengals game. Sorry, world leaders, but you come second to us talking about how bad we kicked the snot out of Ocho Cinco. So, without constantly watching CNN or Fox News, I have no idea how much the rest of the country knows about what has been going on or if they care.

Let’s give you a little recap. Protesters have been bitching and moaning about their rights in the weeks leading up to the summit. Primarily, they’ve complained about permits not being issued or change of venues from where they are allowed to march. Point State Park is considered a iconic location associated with downtown Pittsburgh and you know, there is going to be some reservations already made for these spots. Nobody in the protesters’ ranks thought of call ahead seating? They should have checked a site like Priceline or Orbitz.

So, since they can’t be directly in the face of the delegates, they’ve taken to hitting the surrounding areas. In some cases, there have been warnings issued to local business owners that they could be targets for groups. Places like the Gap and Starbucks have been warned that because of they are “big name economic” entities, they are targets. Of course, looking at the list, you have to wonder why Cheerleaders Gentlemen’s Club was included on that list. I guess a couple of guys in the group figured, “Hey why not catch the buffet and afternoon show, then spray paint the outside of the building?”

You have to love the irony of some of this. A lot of the protesters are associated with a group called POG (Pittsburgh Organizing Group) which, by their own admission on their website, is an anarchist group. I don’t know, I kind of thought that anarchy was a lack of organization. Perhaps, when they were coming up with a name they didn’t have a dictionary handy.

Then there was the dry run for testing Pittsburgh’s security response on Tuesday. Three protesters on bikes blocked a tour bus full of International Coal Conference experts, unfurling a sign that said, “It’s time to move beyond coal.” I tip my hat to the young lads on ten speeds who were able to cripple the movement of a giant amphibious truck belonging to a group called Just Ducky tours. Unfortunately, what they didn’t realize is that they had a good chance of turning Market Square into Tienanmen Square. I’ve been behind those trucks as they zip along the roads in downtown Pittsburgh. The sight lines are not optimal for the driver to notice someone standing three feet below the hood.

Then, of course, there was my favorite. Members of Greenpeace decided to make use of Pittsburgh’s biggest feature, the bridges, by hanging off the West End Bridge in an effort to unfurl a banner saying “DANGER: CLIMATE DESTRUCTION AHEAD REDUCE CO2 EMISSIONS NOW” Now, for those of you, not familiar with Pittsburgh, the West End Bridge is about a mile West of the Downtown area of Pittsburgh, hence the name. So, I don’t exactly know who this banner was for because anyone standing at the Point would have not been able to read it because it was facing the opposite direction.

Also, the additional text had to be small enough to fit on the banner making it harder to read from the opposite side. They would have been able to see DANGER…. And then something about…. I don’t know, is that a C or an O. Did they hang an over sized eye chart from the bridge or what? Better here or now? How about now? If they wanted to be more accurate they should have had it facing away from Pittsburgh. That would have meant Ohio was responsible for climate destruction. After all, Cleveland set one of its own rivers on fire, for God’s sake.

Look, I am all for a good cause, just look at my Facebook profile. Although, I’m sure people will quibble over the “I bet I can find a million people who don’t care about Kanye West” as being a worthy cause. Hey, I was trying to clean out my requests. I wish there was just an accept all button on my requests, kind of like what Jim Carrey did as God in Bruce Almighty. Ok, I’m rambling. My point is, that while I support the Bill of Rights, I also support common sense. Does the average protester, who chooses to make a statement at one of these things, really believe that anyone cares what they think? “Protesters, the new Blogger.”

I can only imagine the hard ons these guys get when they think they’re being all clever with their message and execution. “Oh, I’m so eco-conscious and cool.” Um, but what was that banner made out of, hemp? Looked like plastic to me. So, Greenpeace just spent a huge boatload of their donors money on a big ass non biodegradable banner that is surely going to end up in a land fill somewhere. Nice job, d-bags. Way to take care of the planet.

For all the protesting going on, the only thing you’re going to accomplish is adding an arrest to your record. That doesn’t bode well for job hunting. Of course, the groups I’ve seen on television look like they don’t have jobs, unless they are in a Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band. If you want to get your message across you’re going to have to come up with something better that stopping a duck tour or doing your Turk 182 impression. This is post 9-11 folks, anything you even attempt to do will get your ass arrested, or worse.

Now, if getting arrested is part of your overall goal for your cause, then by all means protest in a vacuum. I think if you are going to risk jail time to hang a banner during a government event, you ought to at least get their attention. All the hippie messages and hate speak gets drowned out as white noise against all the others. And, let’s face it, Cindy Shehan pretty much ruined protesting for everyone. I empathize with her grief but she gave herself the persona of a pest not a protester. But, I think it would be more productive and thought provoking if you were a bit absurd in your protesting. Think Soy Bomb or “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” Absurd, but memorable. Instead of hanging an eco-conscious banner off the bridge, do something spontaneous and hysterical, like “Dan Onorato is a horrible tipper,” or “Hey G-20, show us your….” Well, you get it.

What The Protestors Should Have Hung
On the West End Bridge

In all, I think there is a bigger problem with people being malicious instead of trying to peacefully protest. It seemed as if these were protesters with nothing to say. They appeared to be marching for the sake of marching with no common message. In that case, you deserve to be dumped on your ass by guys in riot gear. You have to understand, we gather in the streets outside the bars when we win major sports championships. The police kind of just babysit us until we start burning couches and flipping vehicles. This is a major political event, the stakes have been upped a little.

So, it came to pass, that on Thursday afternoon and evening, two unlawful protests broke out around the city, one in Lawrenceville and the other in Oakland. They are being considered unlawful in that they did not have a permit. Frankly, I don’t understand the laws there. I thought that’s what a protest march was. The one in Lawrenceville also sported people dressed in black clothing and wearing gas masks and hoods; another no, no. Hey, come on folks, if you are going to protest and make a statement, don’t hide your face. The gas masks alone made it illegal as it deters the police’s ability to control the crowd if it got out of hand. And it did get out of hand.

Windows were broken, ATM’s were trashed. They broke a bunch of windows in a Boston Market. Now, there’s your symbol of corporate greed right there, a rotisserie chicken place. In Oakland last night, LRAD devices were used to try and push back the protesters. LRAD stands for Long Range Acoustic Device. It’s a sort of annoying high pitched repetitive sound that is supposed to be unbearable and forces you to move away from it. It sounds like a car alarm.

Unfortunately, what police fail to understand is that people in Oakland are used to that kind of noise. For four and a half years I lived on the third floor of the Litchfield Towers Dormitories, which is a block away from where the major problems were. In that time, I listened to car alarms going off all night, helicopters landing on the hospital roof a block away, and the sound of thousands of beer bottles being broken as they were poured into the metal dumpster right outside my window.

As we push forward into Friday, things have been deemed rather mild in comparison to other countries that have this sort of ridiculousness. Pittsburgh is far from being like Iran or Afghanistan in its protests. We aren’t exactly seasoned veterans at this kind of stuff. Like I said, we burn couches in the street when we win the Stanley Cup and the Super Bowl, so our priorities are a little off when it comes to expressing our feelings. What people need to realize is that Pittsburgh is somewhat removed from the rest of the area. Yeah, we have bridges and tunnels that lead into the city, but for the most part, you have to either go over water or underground to get into the heart of downtown and that allows for a moderate amount of control when it comes to keeping the place secure. There are routes around these bridges and tunnels, but it’s not a major road that gets you there. There’s a lot of landscape to cover in dense urban areas.

If you think about it, if there are any major issues, the three trauma facilities in the area are not in the city proper. They are either on the North Side, across the Allegheny River, or in Oakland at the edge of the city. For anyone who has played Fallout 3 or seen Land of the Dead, you know how much of a corner you’re backed into if you get stuck on the wrong end of a crisis in downtown.

While I’m glad that Pittsburgh is getting a lot of exposure thanks to this Presidency, it sucks that we as a city can’t take part in the glamour that comes with a major lens focused on our city. A lot of the shots of the area show empty streets and boarded up businesses. It kind of sucks, that, as a city that has experienced a major rebirth in terms of economy and infrastructure, we aren’t getting to showcase the best part of this whole renaissance, the people. Instead, we get these idiots doing what idiots do best.

They call me Mr. Fitty Cent!

No, I haven't decided to finally pursue that career in rap music, although I look good in bling. Actually, this was a nickname I had last year. I bring it up because we are finally close to the time of year I love, summer. It's not that I do anything special, I don't even think I'll be taking a vacation anywhere other than porchview. It's because I will finally be able to drive to work without getting stuck behind a school bus. On my normal route to work I traverse four school districts and if I get the timing wrong I get stuck behind a bus that has stops all along the way. Having a three month break is always nice for my travel time as I can usually make it to work in under 30 minutes. Also, with the kiddies out for the summer, that means one more thing. Those damn school zone lights won't be flashing for awhile. Ok, before I get flamed for dissing the safety measures of our school systems, let be known I only get pissy with these zones because of a personal incident.

In 2006 I was travelling to work through one particular school zone. It was 8:03AM and the busses had yet to even begin delivering students to the elementary school when I passed through on my commute. After crossing the area, I noticed lights in my mirror. "What the hell?", I thought. I pulled over and begin the usual rigormoral with the officer who said I was doing 21 in the school zone. Most people will tell you not to do more than six miles an hour over the speed limit to avoid being cited, but this guy claimed he would have pulled me over for doing a mile over the posted limit. First off, there were no busses in sight and school wasn't even in session, yet. Second, do you know how hard it is to maintain 15mph in a car without going over. And cruise control does not work at that speed, I tried it. I guess I should be thankful as the officer did not cite me for speeding, but for failure to observe a traffic sign. I went on my way with a poor scribbled carbon copy of the citation.

I mailed out my payment of $106 that evening and decided to put the whole mess to rest. A week later, I received a notice in the mail that I did not pay my fine in full. Where did I mess up? I checked the letter again and noticed that I was short by fifty cents. I looked at the citation again and squinted to make out the amount. The officer had failed to color inside the lines and the faded amount of ".50" was barely visible crossing between two boxes on the yellow paper. I became livid. Not only was I ticked about the fact that I got pulled over for a mere six miles over the speed limit, now I was being sought after for a mere half dollar. I ripped up the notice, immediately, and declared that if they wanted their fifty cents they could come collect it at the door. I wasn't wasting an additional $0.41 on a stamp. If they would have just not bothered with the letter to start, that could have counted towards my payment.

Another two weeks went by and another letter came. This one was threatening me with a warrant for impending arrest. I couldn't believe it. All this paperwork over two quarters. It cost more to call them on a pay phone to clear it up. Soon, this became a mission. I was going to be a complete and utter jackass about this issue. We began formulating ways to get vengeance. After all, I was not going to write an additional check in the amount of fifty cents. Our thoughts turned to the following.

• Drive out to the magistrate's office and lay each penny on the counter, one by one. Counting as we go.


• Walk into the office and ask the receptionist if we could borrow fifty cents for the pay phone outside. Leave the office and then return to pay them for the fine.


• Stuff the pennies into the mailbox of the office.


• Send them a envelope with two stamps, telling them to keep the change.


• Pay them in the equivalent of Canadian Change


• Give them a coupon for fifty cents off at Dunkin Donuts

We opted for the least offensive and gathered up our penny collection and headed to the office. Unfortunately, they keep better hours than I do and the office was closed. We went home, probably wasting more than fifty cents round trip. My wife wrote a scathing letter, admonishing them for having officers with bad penmanship, and focusing money and man hours on coming after me for a fraction of a dollar. Feeling pretty full of ourselves, we stuffed the envelope with the fifty pennies, the hate mail, and used three stamps to send it. In all, this whole ordeal cost me five times the remainder of the fine but the cathartic satisfaction of sticking it to the man was reimbursement enough for me.

Two weeks went by with no communication via mail or a ring at my door bell with cuffs at the ready. I decided that I had better call them to ensure that my payment had been received. The receptionist confirmed that they did receive my payment but no mention of any letter or the fact that I mailed change. Apparently, it is not illegal to mail cash, just risky. Someone had told me it was, but it involved a chain mail scam and that IS illegal. After the dust had settled, a coworker began complaining about being stuck behind busses and I had to share my tale of woe. This recounting of my plight earned me the moniker "50 cent" at work.

It's been two years since my run in with 5.0 and I'm happy to say I've been citation free in my commutes to work. I've been careful not to get any other infractions because my little stunt could come back to bite me in the ass. Still, I enjoy the freedom from my brake pedal for those glorious three months out of the year when school busses get parked in the lot and their yellow and red flashing lights stop blinking. Of course, I don't drive the same route anymore because I found a quicker one that didn't involve me going through any school zones. After all, the real 50 Cent may have said, "I'd rather die like a man, then live like a coward", but I say, "I'd rather go another street than be caught by the heat."