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Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts

Friday, July 17, 2015

Things I Don't Understand: A Rant



I am forever late to the party when it comes to what people are doing these days.  I chalk it up to my belief that, in a way, I was born too soon.   I grew up in the 80s and still think it was the last best decade we ever had.  I am solidifying that argument in my own mind after watching NatGeo’s The ‘80s, The ‘90s, and The 2000s documentaries on binge mode.  Maybe it’s generational.  Maybe my dislike or lack of understanding of today is congruent with my parents or other baby boomers lack of understanding of what it was like when I was growing up.  In any case, here’s what I still don’t get.

I don’t get the appeal of today’s music.  Ariana Grande might be a talented singer, but for the life of me, her words are indecipherable and all run together.  Now, that may be because I’ve developed hearing issues over the years.  I know people that can listen to the same song as myself, at the same time, and can pick apart the lyrics while I’m still stuck on the fact that I thought Elton John was singing, “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”    I could concede that with Grande, but Googling the thought pointed out that a host of other people can’t understand what she’s saying either.  Iggy Azalea?  No clue what she’s about, either.    What’s the issue with her and the public?  I’m still stuck on the fact that I though K-E-Dollar Sign-HA had a career.   I still like music from people who’ve been dead for years… except for Kurt Cobain.  I didn’t care for him in the 90s, and that hasn’t changed in 20 years.  Any kid that comes up to me today and says, “Kurt Cobain is my greatest influence” immediately has a “Get off my lawn” coming to them.   And I don’t like it when someone takes something from the era I like and tries to make it something of their own, today.  Blurred Lines was cool for about a minute before I realized it was a pretty creepy thing and ripped off Marvin Gaye.  However, I do like Postmodern Jukebox and stuff like David Garrett covering a bunch of rock tunes with a cello.  That is kind of cool.  What Kid Rock did with Lynyrd Skynyrd/Warren Zevon a few years ago was not.

I don’t understand that niche of social media like tumblr, reddit, and even Instagram, though I have an account.   How do these things work and how do people get sucked into tumblr?  How does one tumbl...r?  Maybe I should learn so that I can incorporate it into my YouTube or design stuff.  Then again, I get on Tumblr and my head just grinds like a shot clutch in a Ford.  I opened a tumblr account and I just don’t know what to do with it.  Isn’t that what I was doing here?  I’d say I need a teenager to help me figure stuff out but that sounds a little too creepy to openly announce on the Internet.  

What exactly is reddit?   And don’t get me started on subreddits.  Am I even spelling that right?  I know a few YouTube producers who get a lot of conversation going and ideas from reddit, but I don’t know what the hell reddit does.  I know it was partially responsible for hosting all of those leaked photos last year.   I know celebrities go on and do “Ask my anything” posts but seems like a lot of noise and craziness.  And then people vote up or down.  I just don’t get it.  They even have hateful groups like /r/rapingwomen and such.   WTF?!?!

Instagram?  People take pictures, apply some snazzy filters, and voila, they’re… photographers?  Do you mean to tell me we are going to hoist some kid with an iPhone onto the same mantle as Ansel Adams or Annie Leibowitz?  Oh, I just took a photo of a plate of spaghetti… slapped Inkwell filter on it, adjusted the contrast, and BAM, I’m Henri Cartier-Bresson!  And people can make money selling their photos?!?!?  How does that work?  Who would buy an Instagram photo?  Hell, some guy named Richard Prince took people’s Instagram photos and hung them in a gallery and claimed it was transformative and therefore fair use.  Do businesses pay you for taking pictures of their stuff?

I don’t understand SEO.  I don’t understand how it affects websites and why people are always looking to hire people.  Isn’t it just tagging?  And how is that a marketable skill that people rave about on job boards?  I spend a lot of time refining tags on videos and shirt designs and I do not see any difference in the amount of traffic I get from before and after.  And furthermore, the old adage of making money on a blog is crap… I’ve had this blog for almost seven years and have yet to make a dime from just posting content.  Have any posts directed people towards buying something of mine from a shirt site?  Yes.   But the whole point was delivering content, people clicking, profit!   That hasn’t happened and I do not understand how that works.  

The one thing I do understand is the idea of how to get rich and I can share it with you for only five dollars.  :)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The Angry Cast


It’s official!  I have launched myself into new self serving, egotistical, “look at me” heights.  I’m on YouTube.

The AngryCast made its debut this month with a couple of test videos, an ad for the upcoming series, and the first in a series of videos showcasing my lack of building skills in Minecraft.  The kicker?  You get to hear my voice.  Shudder.  Well, actually, in the first video, you can barely make me out, but it’s there.



 
Why am I torturing you with this?  Well, as the ever enterprising entrepreneur, I thought it was time to explore a new avenue and build the brand.   OK, Let’s face it.  It’s about money.  LOL.

When I first started the blog it was a war cry.  It was rage against the machine that is Hollywood.  An idea was formed for a stupid novelty website that would provide people with bad advice in the monosyllabic mumblings of myself as Mongo.  And when neither the capital or tech know how was available to realize that dream, I shelved AskMongo.    I wasn’t about to shell out money to domain sit while I got older and still no closer to designing a website. 

But, something snapped and I started writing posts about how bad Hollywood had become and it turned into  this blog.  Then, I got the idea to maybe sell merchandise for the blog and if that proved profitable, I would revisit the website idea and use the merchandise to fund it.  But that didn’t work either.  So, AskMongo crawled back into his hole.   Then, I started thinking of my rants in graphical terms and came up with the idea to sell t-shirts with pop culture parodies and an homage to my childhood cinema memories.   So,  I launched a shirt site and separate blog to cover that.

That blog, still exists today as a place where I can showcase my work and talk about how you can do what I’ve done, only better. 

Now, I’m taking it one step further.  YouTube videos to cover it all.

Of course, you know, this means I will have even less time on my hands.  Here’s why.  Once again, these stories are for your benefit.   Use me as an example of what not to do.

I am the lazy and cheap ass entrepreneur.  My design business costs me all of $50 a year and manages to bring in about a 25,000% ROI.  Trust me.  That’s not a lot.   It pays for my mortgage, a week’s worth of vacation, and Christmas. 

But still, it doesn’t hurt.  I put in maybe 10 hours a week of work towards it.  (I know.  It shows.)   So, I splurged and bought FRAPS to record videos.  I can record my desktop as well as games.  Yes, Minecraft.  LOL.  There will be others as time allows. But I also want to do older games.  Games I loved back in the days of MS-DOS.   However, I spent all of $37 dollars on this new media empire.  The microphone I got when I purchased a replacement PS3 for $50.  Windows Live Movie Maker came with my laptop. 

And as far as music is concerned, I’ve been sticking with Royalty Free music that is covered under the Creative Commons License.  That means you can use any music listed under this license for whatever purpose, including monetized YouTube videos and you are only obligated to give credit in the description. 

I will say that I can understand why it takes so long for videos to get produced. I spent a good 12 hours putting together a five minute video.  That included eight hours of actual in-game recording, two hours of video editing, one hour of narration recording, and one hour of uploading to YouTube with tagging and descriptions.

I’m still getting my legs under me and working out the bugs of the process.  For one, Windows Live Movie Maker is free and you get what you pay for in terms of quality.  It’s not bad, but there are times where the application chokes under the pressure of all that data.   It corrupts clips just to spite me, which cannot be compressed into a video file format, forcing me to do it in layers.  Many, many layers.   The different settings for each layer get confusing and in the first video, I had to go back and redo parts which led me to forget to turn the music volume down when I added the track back into the project.   It can be really frustrating to do all this at 11:30 at night. 

I’m planning on four main series of videos with no real schedule.

Mongo Smashes _____ (Insert Game Title):  Basically, me playing a game, badly,  and hopefully being interesting. Minecraft to start, more to come.

Build It Series:  Minecraft specific videos that will involve me giving a play by play narration of building anything in Minecraft, some items will be comment driven.

Rants:  Sometimes in games there are periods where you have to do menial tasks that take a long time.  In Minecraft it might be gathering material or exploring.  In these cases, I will use the time to just rant.  Think of it as a blog post set to music and video.    I will probably even read or expand on some of my favorite posts in this series.

Design It:  This is the shirt side of the video series as I give showcases or walkthroughs of designs I’ve done.

For those of you looking to get into this business, I will keep you posted on how the process is going.  I haven’t monetized the videos, yet.  I need more of a following.   But, with a little luck and creativity, I might be able to pull it off.  We’ll see.

Come take a look, subscribe, drop me a comment, and I’ll keep making more.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Peggy Would Like To Lower My Interest Rate

I am on the Do Not Call list. That and $0.50 will get me ¾ of a Snickers bar from the vending machine. I understand it’s more of a pointing finger of shame instead of a great deterrent. I’ve complained about telemarkerters and there form letter response was that it’s too hard to track down people who have sophisticated equipment that spoofs phone numbers, yadda yadda yadda. In other words, we have a billion dollar version of , “If you call them, I’m telling mom.”

Needless to say, I would still get calls on a semi-regular basis for anything from surveys to political organizations to groups asking for donations. These are exceptions to the list of people who cannot call you. These are as annoying as telemarketers. These are what make me want to keep an air horn handy for when they call.

So, recently, my wife got a call from someone asking if we wanted to lower our interest rates on our credit card. She almost gave out our card number and then realized, “Wait a minute? I don’t know who these people are. The phone number came up 1-783-000-whiskey-tango-foxtrot.” She told me all about it and I praised her for realizing the scam early on in the conversation.

On Sunday, I saw the number come up on the Caller ID and decided to go after this prick. I pushed 9 and waited till the person with the less than stellar grasp of the English language went through his spiel.

“What company do you work for?” I asked.

“Visa and Mastercard. Do you have a Visa or Mastercard?” he said.

“No” I lied.

“How about a Discover or Chase card?” He asked.

“Wait, you just said you worked for Visa and Mastercard. Why would you want to know if I had a Chase or Discover?”

He then repeated himself. I said, “OK, hold on. Look, you guys called my wife last week and I’m on the Do Not Call list. So, what company is this and what’s your phone number. I’m going to file a complaint.”

“Visa and Mastercard.”

“Look, pal. You don’t work for Visa or Mastercard. In fact, I’m pretty sure all you want is for me to give you my credit card so you can steal my identity. Give me your supervisor.”

Immediately, there’s a “HELLO” on the line as if his buddy was listening in. “Are you the supervisor?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Is this a supervisor?"

"Yes."

What company do you work for?”

“Financial Services.”

“Not what department. What company. You know, the one that’s on your paychecks.”

“Financial Services, Inc.”

“That’s not the name of the company. You’re just two guys sitting in a garage somewhere in Bangladesh. If I give you my credit card number, I’ll actually have debt and you will have stolen my identity. How dumb do you think I am?”

“Sir, we are not..”

“Ok, fine. Give me your phone number and I’ll call you back.”

“1-800-384-3825”

At this point, I try to hang up and call but somehow I’m still on the line with them and I try to dial the number. I hear a “Hello” on the other end and ask who I am talking to.

“Attorney General’s office.”

“Yeah right. It’s still you.”

“Hasta La Vista, baby.”

I hang up and try to dial the number which turns out to be a sex line. Hopefully, the result of my tirade will be that they just stop calling me and I’m done with it. Otherwise, I turn my phone over to my daughter and record the call for the hilarity of it.

In any case, the take away is, do not under any circumstances give anyone your credit card number or give them any information about yourself. I worry about elderly or desperate people who think this is legit and get taken by Peggy and his band of jagoffs.

Because, after all, The Do Not Call list is irrelevant because of the “sophisticated equipment” these idiots are using to disguise their location.






Friday, September 10, 2010

Jar Jar Binks: Scourge of the Star Wars Universe

I told you I was going to do it. In Horror Beyond Imagination, I wrote about my three year old being introduced to the saga of Star Wars by watching the original trilogy. I went on ad nauseum about my love of Return of the Jedi and how Palpatine’s failure might have been a huge plot hole. Brain cells and hours of productivity were lost in that post. But now, I’m back with another geek filled Star Wars related post sure to make your eyes bleed or at least have you reaching for a drink in your local cantina.

Jar Jar Binks. The name strikes fear and loathing in the most diehard of Star Wars fan. Why? For the 35+ crowd it was evidence to the madness of King George (Lucas) in that he sold out to the kiddie crowd. Critics cited that Jar Jar was a racial stereotype of Caribbean or Southern minstrel archetype. To me, he was just a bit annoying. His speech was a poor attempt on capturing the magic of Yoda’s dyslexic dialogue and the physical humor, while somewhat funny did not add to the story. In fact, throughout the entire prequel trilogy the physical and sight gag humor fell flat for me, even with R2-D2 and C-3PO. The subtly of the humor between R2 and 3PO perfectly complemented the action and drama of the original trilogy while the "played for laughs" robot head switch in Attack of the Clones was just dumb, in my opinion. In fact, among Episode’s I-III I was only able to find one line that truly made me laugh. That was Obi-Wan’s declaration that they were “Smart than this” after being captured by Dooku in the opening scenes of Revenge of the Sith.

Now naysayers will… um… nay say that Jar Jar was no different than the cute and cuddly Ewoks of Jedi. I say a pox upon you for that. The Ewoks, as teddy bearish as they were, were warriors. Jar Jar Buster Keaton-ed his way into victory on the battle field while the Ewoks used strategic war tactics. Ewoks were never played strictly for comedy while Jar Jar functioned as a clown or comical escape. You never felt that Jar Jar could actually be in danger or killed while Ewoks blew up left and right during the Battle on Endor.

But all this is prologue for the true evil of Jar Jar Binks. Let’s set the stage.

It’s the beginning of The Phantom Menace and a mysterious Sith is pulling the strings of several puppets which leads to war. Palpatine, as Sidious, has manipulated the Trade Federation into blockading and invading Naboo. He is doing this in order to force the Galactic Senate to fight back, allowing him a shot at becoming supreme chancellor and then ultimately, Emperor. To that end, you could say that he has orchestrated every single move of the characters in the films, including, as it is speculated, the birth of Anakin Skywalker. That means he has created a Jedi that will eventually become his apprentice by moving the characters of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan around a chess board in order to arrive on Tatooine with Padme, thus bringing Anakin to Coruscant and pushing him towards Padme years later in order to use her as leverage in bid to seduce Anakin to the dark side.

Now, for all of this to happen you have to have Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon arrive on Naboo and make it to Theed to rescue Amidala. If Jar Jar would have not been so clumsy or, better yet, not in the film, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon would not have gone to Otoh Gunga to meet Boss Nass. One could argue that they could have eventually made it to Theed on their own, rescued Amidala and continued Palpatine’s game but it’s possible that by then, Amidala could have been killed, already signed the treaty, or have been in a position that would have made rescue impossible. In any case, Jar Jar puts the Jedi on a path with destiny. His intervention sets the wheels in motion for Padme and Anakin to meet which causes Darth Vader to be “born.”

“Ok, hold up!” You might say, “You’re telling me that without Jar Jar Binks, there would be no Clone Wars or Emperor Palpatine.” In short, yes. “Why?” I’m so glad you asked. You see, Jar Jar might have been a catalyst for the Jedi’s mission to rescue Amidala which in turn positions Palpatine to assume chancellorship in the Senate after Amidala calls for a no confidence vote of Chancellor Valorum. That is true. And I am willing to assume that even without Jar Jar’s involvement the Jedi could have reached Theed, rescued Amidala, crashed on Tatooine, and brought Anakin along. However, Jar Jar assumes duties within the Senate as a Representative to the Senator of Naboo and calls for emergency powers to be given to the Supreme Chancellor in order to combat the Trade Federation and the Separatists. Had Jar Jar not been involved and allowed to carry such weight the Clone Army would not have been used to fight the droid armies on Genosia and Order 66 would not have been utilized to assassinate the Jedi. Once again, Jar Jar sets the wheels in motion for Palpatine to continue his plan and causes the destruction of the Republic, the Jedi Council, the Jedi, and nearly everyone else.

Thankfully, he was hardly seen at all in Revenge of the Sith and appeared in a small part of the film including Padme’s funeral. According to some EU information he was moved to a secure location by the Emperor and then later was back on Coruscant during the end celebration of the various worlds overjoyed at the news of their liberation from the Empire.

There you have it. Jar Jar Binks is the reason for everything bad that happened in the Star Wars movies. He is the real Phantom Menace because he was a CGI character and not actually on screen as an actor. OK, that was stretching it a bit but you have to admit, if Jar Jar was not included the films and the events within them might have turned out better. But wait, there is another…


Stay tuned.





Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Horror Beyond Imagination

Warning: There will be copious amounts of geek and nerd discussion throughout this post which will last a very long time.  Long winded doesn't even begin to cover it.  If you feel that by reading this post you will undoubtedly become a geek or have geek leaning thoughts, please leave now.




I’ll wait.



If you’re still around… boy are you lame. Kidding [wink / finger snaps / guns]

I have no real point to all this madness but it’s Wednesday and I really didn’t want to do a lot of heavy thinking during my lunch break but I had carbs so the mind wandered off onto this rant. So, I’m just throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks. You should be so honored.

Actually, I’ve procrastinated finishing this post from a few weeks ago. Here’s the run up. Awhile back, my three year old took her first step into a much larger world. She got to see the original Star Wars trilogy for the first time. I should preface that by saying she watched the re-mastered, re-envisioned, re-WTF-GEORGE-YOU-PUT-HAYDEN-CHRISTIANSEN-INSTEAD-OF-SEBASTIAN-SHAW versions on Spike TV. Small steps, right. One day, when she’s a little older I’ll reach into the bag of holding and grab the original, original trilogy on VHS. Hey, if she can watch the same ten episodes of Kipper and Caillou on Sprout without getting bored she can handle watching these films again, right? Right. That’s what I thought. Represent!

Anyway, I was kind of worried how she’d react to seeing the biggest bad ass of the galaxy, Darth Vader. After all, she’s only three and seeing a big hulking robot with an upper respiratory infection could frighten her. However, I was pleasantly surprised as she was totally sucked in by the films. As she should. A couple of highlights from the her critique of the films.

“The black guy is a nice guy.”
At first I thought she might have been talking about Lando Calrissian but he hadn’t shown up yet, so she was obviously referring to Darth Vader. I told her he wasn’t a nice guy but she insisted that he was. I didn’t want to ruin the movie but informing her that, yes, by the end of the movies he is a good guy, again, but for right now, he’s bad. I simply said, “Honey, he’s a bad guy.” She insisted that I was wrong. Smart kid.

“The big camels are bad guys.”
She was, of course, referring to the Imperial AT-AT Walkers in Empire Strikes Back. The last time she spoke the word camels was in reference to there being camels in our pool. I was baffled at this declaration until she reinforced her point by stating there was camels like chlorine in the pool. “Oh, chemicals. Yes, there are chemicals in the pool.” Here, she called the AT-ATs camels which is exactly what they were called in the Family Guy’s spoof, "Something, Something, Something Darkside." This just confirms my thoughts that, either Seth McFarlane is as mature as a three year old or my daughter is as smart as Seth McFarlane. I say win-win.

“The Golden Guy is good.”
Yes, C-3PO is definitely a good guy but not very well kept in the loop on anything. This is probably to the betterment of the rebellion because keeping 3PO in the dark is your best bet. He has a tendency to talk too much and is liable to give away the entire plan before it has a chance to work.

“The Brown Guy is good.”
OK, now we must be talking about Lando. Nope. She was speaking about Chewbacca. “Yes, he’s a good guy.”

“That’s not going to make him happy.”
She was referring to the Emperor’s divulging his knowledge of the rebel plans and assuring Luke that the rebellion would be crushed. What can I say, the kid was paying attention.

“I’m going to shock that guy. He’s not very nice.”
This was accompanied by her wiggling her fingers at the screen as The Emperor was using Force Lightning on Luke.

“He helped him because he loved him.”
This referring to Vader waking up from his nap and punting The Emperor over the side of the railing.

“He’s not a robot. He’s a man!”
Can’t get nothing past her. When Luke removed Vader’s helmet I was afraid that the pasty and scarred Humpty Dumpty like appearance of Sebastian Shaw as Anakin Skywalker would freak her out, but she was actually excited to find out that Vader wasn’t a robot. Quite the philosophical observation. Vader had gone on with the Empire’s way of thinking and acting like a robot, following orders. Only now, in the end, he finally stands up and goes against the norm and becomes human again. Yeah, I’m gonna go with the fact that she was just surprised to see a guy in that suit. One can dream, though.

Beyond the artistic critique of a three year old, I went into geek mode to wax nostalgic about the films, but mostly about Return of the Jedi. I saw Jedi in the theater, and I mean when it was originally released back in 1983.. I was eight years old and went with my brother and sister and remember sitting on the aisle seat in a row of two. In 1983, Reagan was President and art and life were not mutually exclusive of each other. Science Fiction was bleeding over into real technology and the times we lived in bled into the stories on screen. Of course, Star Wars was already an influence on everything from politics to television. V, the original miniseries, came out in 1983. The Strategic Defense Initiative a.k.a. known as the Star Wars program came out in 1983. And the culture and aesthetic feel of 1983 was apparent in Return of the Jedi. I don’t want to get too sociopolitical on the subject so, I’ll end that topic right there and move onto the film itself.

Most people will contest that Jedi was the weakest of the three original films in the sixolgy. Um, sexology? Er, Hexalogy. Whoops! Yeah, Hexalogy. Sheesh. OK. As I was saying, I loved the film, but you already knew that, but most people look at Return of the Jedi as the selling out point for Lucas. He ties up all the loose ends of the trilogy and manages to snag the kid friendly award by positioning living teddy bears as the underdog that overthrows the Empire. Severely outmatched, the pint size protagonists use guerrilla style tactics and weapons fashioned from the forest that would have made Dutch from Predator proud. Now, others tried to hit on a deeper level to the conclusion of the series. Suggestions from Harrison Ford that Han Solo should be killed off can either be taken as his attempt to give the film some tension because, if you can kill Han Solo, anyone can be killed. Of course, this could have been taken as his attempt to end the life cycle of his character so that he can move on and not get pulled back into the mix, should Lucas decide to continue the series beyond three films. And there were also ideas that Luke Skywalker would just wander off alone at the end instead of joining up with his rebel friends, leaving the audience and the movie unresolved with a sad and depressing conclusion. So, you can see why the finished product could come off as a popcorn fluff resolution instead of the dramatic ending to a saga that hit its light speed rhythm with Empire’s ending.

But apart from all the rumors and speculations, I loved the finished product. Even though I am still on the fence over this past May’s finale of LOST, I love a good conclusion episode and Jedi brought one of the greatest film series ever produced to a satisfying end. It was also the end of an experience that shaped the way I grew up in this world. To all the naysayers out there I say, "Ee Choo Tah!"

Let’s delve a little deeper, shall we?  Oh come, on. Like you have anywhere good to be for the next ten to fifteen to seventy-two minutes.

First of all, look at the color schemes we get. We have three distinct feels going on in the film. We start off with bright yellows and rusty reds and browns for Tatooine. We then move into the greens and browns of Dagobah and Endor. Finally we have dark blues for the space battle and fight scenes on the Death Star. Whoever colored the film was a genius. The colors really popped out more than they did in Empire Strikes Back. Empire was a very blue film with the exception of Cloud City’s airy, fleshy feel. It had a real human color tone, like someone looked at one of those human body medical models and used the flesh and muscle colors from it as a palette.

Secondly, the cast dynamic is great. If you take a look at some early hero tales and adventure you’ll see a common thread of separation of forces. In Empire Strikes Back, our band of rebels are split into two forces much like Scooby Doo often splits up the gang into two groups. Here, Shaggy is represented by Luke and Scooby Doo is portrayed by R2-D2. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that the Millennium Falcon is a riff on the Mystery Machine but you could convince me that C-3PO is a representation of Velma, bespectacled and brainy and often speaking over everyone’s head. But, I digress. Usually, in these types of stories, two factions are working simultaneously towards a conclusion and in Jedi you have three, I guess. You the ground forces supported by Han, Leia, Chewbacca, and C-3PO while the air strike is led by Lando and Wedge. Luke sort of functions on his own quest to redeem his father and complete his journey to full blown Jedi. But in each storyline you have dependencies on the others. Lando relies on Han to bring down the shield around the Death Star while Luke depends on Leia to accept her destiny should he not return and if you don’t realize it, Luke went into his quest with the acceptance that he would not return. He was almost acting as a distraction as much as the Ewoks were. Luke was sort of tasked with occupying the Emperor’s time so that he wouldn’t be able to escape once the attack on the Death Star was completed. And how about that Death Star?

Talk about budgetary crunches. Yeah, it was fully operational but it was missing a hell of a lot of walls, or at least windows. I gather that the price tag on it was rather inflated from the original. I’m sure they prototyped it and maybe even had prefabrication units for easier deployment. Think of it. The first one served as a pilot run and once you templatized the process you could produce multiple Death Stars to increase your forces. Think about this. The first Death Star is seen in its skeletal form in Revenge of the Sith, which is set 19 years before its first official use in A New Hope. It gets blown up and four years later, they have another one, already half built. There had to be some forethought into replication of the process and material acquisition. Then again, you have to have enough people to man it. As it was, the original trilogy back story has been expanded to include information concerning the discontinued practice of cloning Storm Troopers. So, they’re recruiting, not cloning their ranks. Talk about the law of diminishing returns. The more you grow your ranks in terms of vehicles, the more you have to grow your ranks in human stock. You’re putting a lot of eggs into one basket. Suddenly, that two meter wide vent shaft becomes a huge deal. Wow, tangent land, population, me!

Next, let’s take a look at those Ewoks. Critics of the prequel trilogy will be quick to point out Jar-Jar Binks as the albatross around the neck of the movies, more so than Hayden Christiansen's acting. That may be so, but he is no different than the Ewoks in that he was designed as a comic and somewhat likable character that aids the missions. The difference in Jedi is that the Ewoks are not overtly played for laughs. Jar-Jar was played strictly for camp. The Ewoks were in fact warriors on Endor and were as dangerous as a pack of wild animals, no matter how small they appeared in comparison to the Empire.

Another thing that made them dangerous was their home field advantage. The Empire, for all its technology and firepower, was simply no match for the terrain and indigenous life forms’ ability to use the landscape to their advantage. You're talking about big bulky machinery and its agility in a wooded landscape.  There's a limited amount of flexibility to their walkers in tight areas, especially dense forests.  Saying that it’s unfathomable to think that Ewoks could ultimately bring forth the collapse of the Empire is ridiculous and inaccurate. They were simply a second unit attack, used primarily as a distraction to help deplete the opposing forces which would allow the rebels to achieve their goals. Without the rebels, there is no way the shield could have been brought down in time. That’s not to say that the Ewoks, given enough time and planning, could not have destroyed the shield generator but it’s unlikely that they could have succeeded within the window of opportunity given.  The Ewoks were not responsible for the downfall of the Empire, they were merely additional forces that served a function.

Next up, the Emperor’s New Apprentice. The one thing that Lucas maintained in the prequel trilogies was Palpatine’s desire to buck the system, no matter what. Logic surrounding the Sith and the line of succession always dictated that there are only two, a master and an apprentice. In most cases, the master is always overthrown by their apprentice in a case of a self fulfilling prophecy of power and aggression. It’s like a snake eating its own tail. It’s always the nature of a Sith to take what it wants and never accept their place in line. If they don’t take action to secure their place as master, their master will ultimately replace them because they know that their usurping of command is inevitable. Yet, when they achieve that position, they are usually in it for a very short time because their appointed apprentice is already eyeing the spot.  Palpatine is the exception to the rule in that he constantly replaces apprentices in order to either account for a lack of quality among Sith underlings or to circumvent destiny.  Eventually, he chooses the wrong one, Anakin, which causes his downfall.   Further analysis of Palpatine's folly is that Anakin is quite possibly the product of Palpatine’s manipulation of the force. So, in fact, we have a character that can manipulate both birth and death as told by his exchange with Anakin during the opera scene in Revenge of the Sith. Whether or not he could actually do what he says is debatable. He could in fact be playing on Anakin’s fears over the impending death of Padme during childbirth. However, he gets a sense of hubris and sticks with Vader for 23 years as his apprentice, knowing that eventually Vader should probably turn on him.  It's in the nature of a Sith to want to be number one, by whatever means.  Why Vader waits is beyond me?   But I have a theory later on in the post. LATER? OMG (INTERNET/TEXT SLANG AND OR ABBREVIATION QUOTA REACHED) THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOREVER. That’s OK, you should have seen my kid’s eyes rolling in the back of her head when I explained all this to her. Kidding.

Back to Vader and Palpy. Palatine, first. He’s a very good at multi-tasking. He orchestrated the entire separatist movement, the trade blockade, the removal of Chancellor Valorum from the Galactic Senate and his own rise to political supremacy. Meanwhile, he’s playing Anakin right into the hands of the dark side by pushing him towards Padme and pulling him away from the Jedi council. That’s a hell of a game of chess he’s playing. This, of course, is all shown to him through the force by his own admission. Yet, somehow he manages to overlook human nature and even misses Anakin hiding the fact that Padme is pregnant by him. Now, Anakin had no clue that Palpatine was a Jedi, let alone a Sith. How could Palpatine not pickup on this? Obi-Wan even states that the Emperor knew that if Anakin were to have any offspring they’d be dangerous to him. I guess the conclusion was that Padme’s death was prematurely accepted by Palpatine and he was unaware that she survived long enough to give birth to Luke and Leia.

Then, flash forward to Jedi. Palpy thinks he’s got this all locked up, right? He’s seen the attack on the Death Star. He’s seen Luke fighting Vader. He’s seen all of this pointing to a conclusion that declares him as victor. The pivotal moment is when Luke decides he won’t kill Vader. It means nothing in terms of Luke’s resistance to the dark side of the force. In fact, in the end, Luke really means nothing. He either replaces Vader or he dies.  If he’s not going to turn, he’s as good as dead, anyway. Yet, Vader extends an offer of apprenticeship to Luke at the end of Empire.  Well, either Vader is finally getting the nards to knock off the boss or he's playing into the Emperor's plan of finding Vader's replacement.  Now, all of a sudden, the tide turns and Luke is all, "Oooh, I'll show you dad.  I'll chop off your hand, too.  Sucks doesn't it."   On a side note, Vader/Anakin is pretty danger prone.  That's three times in as many movies that he's lost a hand.  Anyway, back to Jedi.  Luke tells Palpy, "I am a Jedi, like my father before me.  Neener Neener, you eat bantha weiner."  So, force lightning kicks in and Luke gets a little fricasseed. Then Vader steps in and does a Sith toss over the railing. The greatest Sith in the galaxy is taken down because he picked on some guy’s kid. That is either a huge gaping hole in the logic of how the nature of the force works or, this could all be a waste of time because it’s just a big old plot hole. But you have to admit, for a guy that was very good at spinning all these plates in the air, how could Palpy miss all this coming? Human nature, that’s how.

Vader is the key to all this. Remember, Anakin is the chosen one. Not because he became the Jedi that everyone thought he’d become but because he ended up being the one to get rid of The Emperor. Perhaps he was never fully evil to start, just mostly evil. Human nature won over power and aggression, here. The one thing that Palpatine used to his advantage brought about his own demise. He turned Anakin to the dark side by providing the means to save Padme or at least the promise. Anakin attacks Mace Windu to keep Palply alive to get that information and that betrayal of the Jedi opens the flood gates for Palpy to manipulate his soul with the dark side. Then, his love, coupled with his new found rage, causes him to lash out at Padme over her perceived betrayal of their relationship when she shows up with Obi-Wan on Mustafar.

But it’s love that brings Anakin back and Palpy forgets that love is a greater power than hate. It’s not that he views Luke as a personal threat to him. We see full well that Luke is no match for the power of The Emperor, but Luke calls out to his father to help him. "Please. Father. Help me."  He’s not whimpering or whining. He plays on the same heartstrings as Palpy did when he turned him. Yoda said the dark side was not more powerful than the light. Hate is not more powerful than love. It’s easier, quicker and more seductive than love but not more powerful. Luke knows this. He effing knows that there is a conflict brewing inside that old rust bucket and he uses it to his advantage. He takes that power from Palpatine and turns Vader on his master. It took about twenty years and multiple of viewings of Jedi for me to get this. I merely thought Luke was whining, as usual, and begging for help. Hell no, that bad line delivery was all staged. It was the trump card. Maybe he went in there with the game plan already worked out. Maybe he secretly let out the knowledge of Leia being his sister to bait Vader into fully recognizing his family tree. By seeing the full picture he reaches that part of Anakin that was so hell bent on saving Padme that he now wants to protect his children.  OK, that might be stretching it because he goes full on attack mode and chops off his Dad’s hand. That was pure aggression, there.

No, I think the realization came as he was being shocked. I think he made a last ditch effort to turn the tables and called out to Dad. However, I think the real problem with that realization is either in the editing of the scene or in David Prowse’s performance. Of course, there’s no way to see the struggle because of the suit. There could have been another moment edited in there to help. There could have been an edit or an angle that offered the audience an inkling that Vader was transitioning. He simply pantomimed, “Hey, that’s my kid. Eff you, raisin face. Your ass is going over the side.” But it worked. Vader saw his son, the product of his love for Padme being harmed and he sprang into action. Love conquers all. The protection of your family greatly outweighs your allegiance to an idea of power. He ends up dying but he finally gets it. 

I don't think there's enough of a realization in Sebastian Shaw's performance after Luke removes Vader's mask, probably because of the lack of knowledge that 16 years later, Lucas would tell the story of how Anakin became Vader.  The specifics of what caused Anakin's turn to the dark side are never revealed in the original trilogy.  He was simply seduced by the dark side, hunted down the Jedi and betrayed and murdered Anakin Skywalker.  In away it does a disservice to both sets of films because you want to tell a specific story and you have to be cognizant of where you've been and where you are going.  If there would have been some grandiose revelation from Anakin about being a servant to the force instead of its master and the Jedi's place as defender and protector instead of trying to force things to be a certain way, then it serves the prequel trilogy's depiction of Anakin's fall.  Anakin never intended to be the bad guy.  He was just a guy that bad things happened to and he figured that he should know best because of the burden of his destiny.  However, if you stick to the notion that Anakin was simply seduced by the dark side as told by Ben Kenobi, then you totally have no place to go in terms of story with the prequel trilogy.

And that is why Jedi is an awesome movie. Does your head hurt? Are your eyes reddened and cracked from the onslaught of geek discussion? Good. Maybe, next week I’ll give you a treatise on how Jar Jar Binks is ultimately responsible for the entire chain of events in the Star Wars saga and not Palpatine. Talk about Horror Beyond Imagination. And if you are cool enough, you’ll understand the title chosen for this post. It was the working title of Return of the Jedi used to keep people from knowing what was actually being filmed. All too easy.



Monday, March 1, 2010

It Only Hurts When It Doesn't: A Mindless Monday Rant

It’s Monday and I really don’t have the attention span to put together a coherent thought. So, instead let’s speak in gibberish.



Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb zeeble zeeeble brrrrrring. Aphalacka-dickery-do I’ve got diarrheabetes how about you? My cow ran away with my top mafia friend and I don’t have enough starbucks to care. Can I get you anything other than a correct answer and how about some desert? This town needs an enema and how about I just sit right down and tell you a tale about the difference between an orange.

Is anybody theeeerrrreeee? Does anybody caaaaaaaare? No, John Adams. Now go back to being dead.

How much snow could an Eskimo grow if he only had to plant one row? It’s crunchy don’t you know.  Give me the chance I could bedazzle your mind with a degree from Exeter I weave the sequined non sequitur.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this game called life. But I’m here to tell you there’s something else the After M*A*S*H. Just remember who runs Barter Town because he can beat you diagonally. Pretty sneaky, sis.

And if I ever plan on being stuck in the middle with you will I see your true colors shining through? It’s on like Donkey Kong and I can tell what you want. I can tell you what you need. That’s a stone cold gibbity flibbit that runs down the street without its legs on right and do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb overnight?

Take me home tonight because I just want to be on the outside looking in at the man with the tan pants who knows the simple truth, the check is in the mail.

There’s a box In my mind but no way to open it. You can try to pry all that I am from the man named Sam but he won’t tell you anything you haven’t already forgot. This is what we call life in the fast lane because I am the one and only king of pain. Have you seen the rain as it runs down your dreams causing the colors to run into one? Can it be sunny in your dark little hole of a world because I would love to see where you keep your curtains, dear.

Does anyone know where to find the show and how much do tickets walk towards your door with a smile and a “what for?” Are we still playing the game or have you won? Can we settle this with a pricing gun? Call now to secure your spot in the radio show that never sleeps except on the upswing of a gnat’s ding a ling. Oh, why, oh why are you still reading? Can I ask or would it be fleeting to say I can show you a world of pure imagination? Come what may and April Fools’ Day a dollar short and a dog terrific can help you find something specific to that which you most desire and keep all your irons in the fire because I’m not talking about his faults but he does seem to keep himself locked in vaults.

Can you feel the music pulsing in your inner ear? Spiders are the other thing we have to fear. I can’t help myself from getting groovy to the beat of something snoozy. Wait wait don’t tell me that you are surprised that I can find myself excised without a W-2 that’s handy and usually supplied by Fred Grandy.

I think this rant has jumped the shark since I’ve started rhyming I think I’ll quit even though I’m too legit. I don’t want too many in awe as they come to take me away, ha ha. So, if you’ve found yourself Googling some of the stuff contained in my post I wish to rebuff the notion of the motion in your search engine potion you’ll find no substance and only fluff. I can’t take anymore drama but I’d love to snack on the corners of your karma and call you Greg but never Dharma. This is Monday and not CNN and I’ll keep going to you holler when because I am the one who runs in perpetual insanity that finds itself on a treadmill going downhill.

I feel better now. Perhaps tomorrow we’ll try again.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Fill Your Lungs With Thought

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Blame this on a carb heavy lunch of fettuccini alfredo

It takes a moment to breathe and a lifetime to exhale. Sometimes you wonder if it will ever be enough to just exist in the space between disasters. We pride ourselves on our ability to organize and get things done in a timely manner but those seconds slip away when chaos rears her lovely head up into your world. We want things faster, smaller and cheaper but we don’t have the time to enjoy a good, night time read with our children. We worry ourselves over the most trivial of problems, not recognizing that poverty and illness do not just live outside our borders but on our streets and in our communities. Why is it never enough to get through the day with a sense of accomplishment over a job well done instead of worrying “Was today my last day?”

We live for sound bites and 280 characters when the expanded version of the written word can be so much more enlightening and enjoyable. Technology has done little to free up our time and instead enslaves us to a new gadget or format. We create bigger gaps in our physical interactions and rely on social networks and texting to communicate with abbreviations, acronyms, and slang.

We maintain and hardly correct or fix things.

We patch and upgrade when we should redesign and rethink.

We’ve filled in the edges of the map but haven’t gone back and looked at things we've already discovered from different perspectives.

We crave attention but hide behind anonymity.

There is a shoe somewhere, ready to drop. The sword is precariously dangled o’er heads.

We look down not up.

Efficiency is a sometimes a cleaner word for cheap and done by someone else.

We cannot enjoy. We selectively surrender.

We cannot expand. We must consolidate.

We cannot think. We must be told.

We cannot breathe. We must prepare.

We cannot move forward. We must go back.

We cannot forget. We must recall.

We cannot destroy. We must create.

We cannot threaten. We must encourage.

We cannot cut corners. We must explore.

We cannot close off. We must invite.

We can change. We cannot settle.

We can plan. We cannot assume.

We can assure. We cannot promise.

We can discover. We cannot discard.

We can recover. We cannot recondition.

We can relearn. We cannot cheat.

We can win. We cannot quit.

We can begin.

We can find the answers to any problem if we only share it with others. We can listen to what others have to say, no matter how hard it is to hear. We can open our eyes and see that we are all in this together. This is what it is supposed to be like if you let it. This can be some kind of wonderful. The times of thinking only of ourselves have got to stop, but the time to rely on others has just begun. This is our time…down here. This is to be our finest hour. This will only take a minute. This is not better than you. But you are better than this. Let in the fear for five seconds and then make a decision. It takes seconds to speak but a lifetime to regret.

This is today.

This is now.

Breathe.

Friday, April 10, 2009

ILVTOFU

Vanity plates are the ultimate sign of driver individuality. Yes, bumper stickers can capture an idea and display it for the world to see on a 10x3 piece of paper but vanity plates are registered with the proper authorities. Sometimes, even the most innocent of letter combinations are deemed offensive by the DMV.

Apparently, the Colorado DMV has a thing against vegans. A 38 year old mother wanted to show off her love of TOFU by registering the vanity plate, ILVTOFU. Unfortunately, the DMV considers the letters F and U together to be bad form. In other words, the plate looks like it reads I love to F&$# U or FU as an abbreviation for sex. In her defense, she says her whole family LVTOFO. So, we're either dealing with sick bastards or people who people who like sex. Yes, go ahead and read that sentence again, I'll wait. I'm of course being sarcastic. I understand the idea that people may be against eating meat.

That is, if they aren't being vegan to be trendy. If you don't like meat for the taste, that's fine. If you don't like meat because of the treatment of animals, that's fine, too. But if you don't eat meat because meat is murder or because you won't eat anything with a face, then I say, get over yourself. I don't know how many times I've had someone say to me, "Meat is murder," and then they stomp their leather shoed foot to emphasize their disgust at me with a Whopper hanging out of my mouth. Does not a potato have eyes? Does not a corn have ears? Just because vegetables don't have a mouth doesn't mean a carrot doesn't scream when you yank it by the hair from the ground and peel its skin from its body. Then you drown it in dip and eat it piece by piece. Oh, the horror.

Look, I am a meat eater. My father grew up on a farm and he raises cattle, still. Every so often, he goes out and says...."Mmmmmm that one!" Now, while I love beef, I will not do that, myself. I don't go to the Red Lobster and say, "Take off the rubber bands, I'm going in." I go to the store, where the beef is already processed, or to a fast food restaurant, where the food is possibly devoid of meat, all together. In any case, I don't do the killing, I just do the grilling. I don't get caught up on the politics of chicken rights, I just love me some wings in sauce. Could that chicken have been kept with five other chickens in one cage under horrible conditions? It's possible. But I didn't kill it and I didn't ask anyone to. I just went to the store and picked up the package. If I didn't, someone else will.

Now, I love animals, especially on bread.....kidding. I have four cats and every time I have Chinese food they look at me a little weird. Seriously, though, I could never personally harm an animal. I have rescued countless dogs and cats and got them new homes or returned them to their owners. To know that in some places, animals being raised for food are kept in horrible conditions and suffer greatly for the almighty dollar is despicable. But once it's at the store, the story is over. Just because I boycott a place of business like KFC or wherever, doesn't mean they'll go out of business. It just means I won't eat their chicken. You can't stop evil corporations at the end of the product life cycle. If you want to nail them for bad behavior, nail them at the top before the chicken does the one legged shuffle off to Buffalo.

And me, I will continue my fight against the all oppressive Department of Motor Vehicles by selling out and capitalizing on someone's 15 minutes, by making a shirt and selling it. That's right. This isn't a rant, it's a marketing opportunity. Now you can get the banned plate on a shirt or a bumper sticker. Here's the Colorado version.


And soon, they'll be more, like my home state of Pa.

So, I guess I'm a meat eater, and a blood sucker. Well, that's just fine by me.

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