I Need Space

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When I went away to college in the fall of 1993 I was travelling to a school over 600 miles away from my home.  I was going to have to have everything I would to survive.  That meant taking a shit ton of stuff, packed into the covered bed of my Dad’s pickup truck with enough space for me to slide in and out of a me shaped hole a couple times over the course of 12 hours.  It wasn’t a great idea.  And after four months, I transferred to another school about 25 miles away from my parents’.  Clearly, I had learned my lesson and didn’t need to pack everything for the hour long trip of which I would be coming home most weekends.  Nope, still packed a single dorm room to the gills.  Then, during the summer of my sophomore and junior years, I spent three months working in an amusement park nearly 4 hours away.  Yep, you guessed it.  I didn’t learn and my parents paid the price literally and figuratively.  

But, by the time I got back from my first summer sojourn I learned exactly what I needed to get by on my own at school.  In five years of college, I never moved out of the dorms.  Best decision I ever made.  First of all, I didn’t need to worry about roommates, the two legged or multi legged variety.  The area apartments were nothing if not short of needing condemned and the last thing I wanted was to have rats or roaches as non-paying residents.  The dorms were furnished.  The bed and furniture supplied were all I needed for myself and any guests.  I had a mini fridge, a B&W TV, microwave, and hot pot along with my toiletries.  That was pretty much all I needed.  There wasn’t a need for multiple rooms or floors because quite frankly, I’d never use them.  Yes, I had to share a bathroom with 26-30 other guys, but I didn’t have to clean it and I didn’t have to stock it.  The rest of campus was my apartment.  I ate in the café or our little food court, all rolled into my meal plan as part of my tuition.  No need to go buy a crap ton of food.  Outside of what I ate for lunch and dinner, I only needed cereal, a few boxes of Mac and Cheese, Top Ramen, and some snacks.

Unfortunately, after college I felt this need… or at least I was led to believe that I needed to acquire things as a homeowner.  Things I will never use save once.  Things that sit in an attic or the garage or shoved in a room somewhere, never to be seen until something goes wrong and I have to pitch a lot of damaged or broken items due to a catastrophic event.  I am getting better because mainly I see what lies ahead of myself and my siblings when it comes to my parents.  That house is going to be a ridiculous amount of hoarding to go through.  Still, at some point, while I have time and energy to enjoy it, I’d like to be able to build or move from my current house I deemed a starter house because I never meant it to be a forever home.  I intended it to be a place I would fix up and sell after raising a family and saving money.  I’m half way on one, on my 2^nd attempt on the same one, and nowhere near complete on the other.

Now, in the world of gaming, my first ever attempt at building a house in Minecraft was pretty much indicative of my loss of imagination and creativity.  The only defense I have is that I began playing back in the days of Beta 1.3.  Upside down stairs were not a thing and if you broke a stair, aka roofing … it was gone forever.  There was no corner stairs either.  So, my house, consisting of mostly stone walls and cobblestone steps for a roof was pretty sad.   It didn’t even have windows.  I would go in there and just store all my resources.  I made connecting tunnels to other parts of the area, including my first place of refuge, the dirt house.  The Minecraft equivalent to living in a cardboard box.

Since then, I built many bases but always struggled when it came to building a house.  And usually, that’s the thing we want to build in Minecraft and now in No Man’s Sky.  We all geeked out over the prospect of building that dream base we all envisioned in our life only to find that spatial proportions made it look like a sad Barbie dream crack house. On subsequent worlds, especially ones I’ve recorded the house was either a requirement, for instance in Skyblock, or a nicety to show off whatever building skills I thought I possessed.  But in reality, the house in Minecraft is never really a functional space, it’s more for show and often times it is a pain in the ass to even have one, causing you to traipse up and down steps to get to your bed in order to quell the banging of monsters outside your door, or to store all your extra gubbins in your storage areas.

At one point, I condensed everything into an area that, disregarding chests for all your shit would be an area roughly equivalent to a 6x6x12 space. That takes into account the 2^nd floor containing an enchanting table and bookshelves.  The bottom would have a stacked crafting table/furnace/brewing stand next to a bed and an avil/cauldron.  Granted you would be highly visible and vulnerable to any monsters that followed you home you run the risk of not being able to sleep because they are nearby.  Also, if you’re not careful, waking up can place you outside your house.

I guess I never saw the need or desire to build a house because I saw so much wasted space.  It never had any use other than to look pretty from the outside and everything inside would be so far apart and an inefficient use of space for a game such as this. For any game that involves building, adventuring, or exploring, inventory management this is the furthest thing from fun.  Every episode I recorded for Skyrim involved me taking a good hour to travel back to my house in Whiterun to drop off stuff, switch out gear, and stock up or sell items.  There is about 50% of the experience you never saw because it was boring and usually involved at least one instance where I accidentally took everything out of a bag or chest which caused me to curse and cry.  7 Days to Die took so much time to sort your inventory and you had only so much daylight or night to do it before you needed to get to whatever your were doing next before the horde, which took all your focus. 

But in Minecraft I always felt like a great use of mods or automation was to have a way to get stuff dropped into a central location to be sorted into storage and then recalled when needed without the mundane task of searching through every chest and walking up or down steps to find where I put that thing I needed for the thing. I get that there is a mod that has a computer that can hold all your items and allow you to craft on the fly and that’s cool and all, but unless you’re playing with mods it doesn’t help anything.  And other mods allow for pipes and sorting but those are usually resource heavy causing lag.  It also solves a problem but it leaned more heavily on function following form.  These industrial looking engines and pipes stand out as a stark contrast to the environment of Minecraft which usually exists in nature.  Now, if you were building a modern looking city that relies on a lot of electricity or metal working or concrete, then yes, these engines and macerators and whiz bang gadgets that automate processes would be appropriate.  However, I would like to see ones that match the era of technological evolution a game like Minecraft sets itself in. 

In the ancient city of Petra, you know the one that inspired the end scenes of the Holy Grail temple in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, there was a complex piping system using math and terracotta pipes to transport water from a source over three miles away.  If you could demonstrate through crafting functional machines from clay or sand or other primitive materials as to solve the problems a game like Minecraft presents to you without deviating from the aesthetics of your progression and surroundings I would be all for that.  Simply playing for ten minutes, building a dirt hut, then constructing metal machines that run on electricity just seems to bring me out of the immersion of such a game. After all, ancient civilizations had irrigation systems and even piped methane gas to nearby settlements which were far superior in their design compared to their relative place in history. Fully fleshed out and functional water wheels instead of a block that generates RF would be astounding… but probably lag inducing.

But I have truly got of track because those are solutions to a different problem.  The Minecraft house is such an impractical structure, in my opinion, because it doesn’t do anything except protect us from the dangers of the outside, something a dirt hole can do.  It’s a status symbol without the benefit of bragging rights because it isn’t earned any differently whether you work all day mining for precious resources or just dig up some rocks and chop down some trees.  It’s all about imagination and design and maybe that’s its saving grace.  It exists as a testament to the builder’s creativity, not development as a player in this world.  I’m just the stupid one who feels he can’t be bothered either because I am too lazy or not creative enough to embrace it.

Since base building became a thing in No Man’s Sky it’s been more of a distraction than an integral part of the game.  Think about it.  What purpose does a base serve in No Man’s Sky?

Shelter?  You spend 80% of your game in a ship, flying around.  The time you do spend on a planet is for exploration or gathering.  Any shelter you need is likely because you are on a planet with adverse conditions so you retreat underground or towards your ship.

Resources?  It makes more sense to just make simplified bases on every planet with rare or valuable resources and just portal to them when needed.  I remember spending a ridiculous amount of time doing the base missions, then doing them again, and then again only to have my base removed with the NEXT update.  The farming aspect was neat but not really very profitable unless you expand to a larger operation and then, it becomes unmanageable unless you multiplay. 

Cool aesthetics?  Yes.  This is the main reason.  Again, the only reason you build a house in any game that gives you some form of creative control over the process is to build something with some kind of aesthetics.  And No Man’s Sky has a very cool 70s retro sci-fi look to it.  Those of us who grew up in the shadow of Flash Gordon or Speed Racer and remember the original Ralph McQuarrie artwork from Star Wars have this exposure to a definite style of futurism with specific colors and shapes that we saw in other games like Prey.  And No Man’s Sky plays into that motif with the shapes and architecture available to us along with the planetary backdrops.  I’ve always had an affinity for space and science fiction.  Movies like Blade Runner, The Black Hole, again Flash Gordon, or Logan’s Run were favorites.  Art from McQuarrie or Chris Foss.  I was a big lover of the 70s and 80s space LEGO sets.  In fact, a recent episode of This Old House featured a guy wearing the space logo from that LEGO series which made me geek out, wanting to get one.  Moonraker, as bad as it was, was another favorite in that cheesy operatic space motif versus the 50s and 60s B&W space style.  For me, it wasn’t steampunk, it was that retro futuristic look.

But the real problem with base building is that it sucks up cycles to complete the quests to build the bases.  And quite frankly, like other games, bases in No Man’s Sky are not practical, they’re cool.  Yes, you need rooms for certain things, mostly storage as No Man’s Sky should have been called, “No More Room: An Inventory Management Simulator.” 

On my first go round with No Man’s Sky, I hurriedly completed all of the quests surrounding the base building aspect because I wanted to A: Complete the Game and B: Build a damn base.  I had grand plans to get towards the core of the universe and find a nice temperate planet to move all my slapdash placement of structures to and rebuild.  The original planet I was on that offered me a base was a cold tundra whose weather constantly fought me, even indoors, to keep from freezing.  And while I did all those necessary quests.. .TWICE mind you, I just sort of plopped things down wherever.  I needed containers.  I needed a place to store all the crap that was in my suit so that I could get stuff for building the base. That was the main issue.  And I still wanted to build out a freighter to hold stuff but it became so resource heavy to build all the stuff that you forget that there were other things you were supposed to be doing, especially when the Atlas update came out.  And then everything in those containers became obsolete or no longer usable.  Still, I can see where a base can be purposeful, but usually, I need a spot for storage, and a place for equipment.  The constant wandering around, looking for things when I need to grab it is wasteful, just like it was in Minecraft or 7 Days.

Still, the prospect of being able to construct a cool base in this genre I so love is something I want to explore, if for no other reason than the photo mode alone.  That has been one of the updates that I do approve of.  We’ll talk more on that another time.

The Angry Cast

It’s official!  I have launched myself into new self serving, egotistical, “look at me” heights.  I’m on YouTube.

The AngryCast made its debut this month with a couple of test videos, an ad for the upcoming series, and the first in a series of videos showcasing my lack of building skills in Minecraft.  The kicker?  You get to hear my voice.  Shudder.  Well, actually, in the first video, you can barely make me out, but it’s there.

 

Why am I torturing you with this?  Well, as the ever enterprising entrepreneur, I thought it was time to explore a new avenue and build the brand.   OK, Let’s face it.  It’s about money.  LOL.

When I first started the blog it was a war cry.  It was rage against the machine that is Hollywood.  An idea was formed for a stupid novelty website that would provide people with bad advice in the monosyllabic mumblings of myself as Mongo.  And when neither the capital or tech know how was available to realize that dream, I shelved AskMongo.    I wasn’t about to shell out money to domain sit while I got older and still no closer to designing a website. 

But, something snapped and I started writing posts about how bad Hollywood had become and it turned into  this blog.  Then, I got the idea to maybe sell merchandise for the blog and if that proved profitable, I would revisit the website idea and use the merchandise to fund it.  But that didn’t work either.  So, AskMongo crawled back into his hole.   Then, I started thinking of my rants in graphical terms and came up with the idea to sell t-shirts with pop culture parodies and an homage to my childhood cinema memories.   So,  I launched a shirt site and separate blog to cover that.

That blog, still exists today as a place where I can showcase my work and talk about how you can do what I’ve done, only better. 

Now, I’m taking it one step further.  YouTube videos to cover it all.

Of course, you know, this means I will have even less time on my hands.  Here’s why.  Once again, these stories are for your benefit.   Use me as an example of what not to do.

I am the lazy and cheap ass entrepreneur.  My design business costs me all of $50 a year and manages to bring in about a 25,000% ROI.  Trust me.  That’s not a lot.   It pays for my mortgage, a week’s worth of vacation, and Christmas. 

But still, it doesn’t hurt.  I put in maybe 10 hours a week of work towards it.  (I know.  It shows.)   So, I splurged and bought FRAPS to record videos.  I can record my desktop as well as games.  Yes, Minecraft.  LOL.  There will be others as time allows. But I also want to do older games.  Games I loved back in the days of MS-DOS.   However, I spent all of $37 dollars on this new media empire.  The microphone I got when I purchased a replacement PS3 for $50.  Windows Live Movie Maker came with my laptop. 

And as far as music is concerned, I’ve been sticking with Royalty Free music that is covered under the Creative Commons License.  That means you can use any music listed under this license for whatever purpose, including monetized YouTube videos and you are only obligated to give credit in the description. 

I will say that I can understand why it takes so long for videos to get produced. I spent a good 12 hours putting together a five minute video.  That included eight hours of actual in-game recording, two hours of video editing, one hour of narration recording, and one hour of uploading to YouTube with tagging and descriptions.

I’m still getting my legs under me and working out the bugs of the process.  For one, Windows Live Movie Maker is free and you get what you pay for in terms of quality.  It’s not bad, but there are times where the application chokes under the pressure of all that data.   It corrupts clips just to spite me, which cannot be compressed into a video file format, forcing me to do it in layers.  Many, many layers.   The different settings for each layer get confusing and in the first video, I had to go back and redo parts which led me to forget to turn the music volume down when I added the track back into the project.   It can be really frustrating to do all this at 11:30 at night. 

I’m planning on four main series of videos with no real schedule.

Mongo Smashes _____ (Insert Game Title):  Basically, me playing a game, badly,  and hopefully being interesting. Minecraft to start, more to come.

Build It Series:  Minecraft specific videos that will involve me giving a play by play narration of building anything in Minecraft, some items will be comment driven.

Rants:  Sometimes in games there are periods where you have to do menial tasks that take a long time.  In Minecraft it might be gathering material or exploring.  In these cases, I will use the time to just rant.  Think of it as a blog post set to music and video.    I will probably even read or expand on some of my favorite posts in this series.

Design It:  This is the shirt side of the video series as I give showcases or walkthroughs of designs I’ve done.

For those of you looking to get into this business, I will keep you posted on how the process is going.  I haven’t monetized the videos, yet.  I need more of a following.   But, with a little luck and creativity, I might be able to pull it off.  We’ll see.

Come take a look, subscribe, drop me a comment, and I’ll keep making more.

That Whole Writing Thing I Was Going To Do

Last year, I made this grand proclamation that the state of Mongo, Angry. Mongo Smash! blog was one of in flux. I was losing the bandwidth to post with regular frequency in order to focus on other, more important obligations. However, I was going to concentrate that whole writing aspect into producing some original work in the form of an ebook, perhaps.

That’s still on the plate. I have not forgot about that. Still, I’ve run into several problems.

For one, time. I don’t have time to write out all that stuff. Truth is, I have the stories. I have PLENTY of stories. Whether they are good or not is up for debate. The material is there . Actually sitting down and writing it out is a bit harder. I’m already two chapters into a book that is most likely going to be the lead off title.

I was originally going to put up some nonfiction but my original plan was to see if I could actually sell something and make a profit without compromising my business model of being a lazy, cheap ass entrepreneur. Unfortunately, the material for that book is kind of dependent on others actually selling. Not to mention that the nonfiction business related book is a static view of an otherwise constantly changing and evolving state of mind. What methods I document for today’s market may change tomorrow, rendering the book passé and not worth reading. The point is to generate content that is readable and adaptable in any year.

That’s why fiction works. It’s not meant to be a treatise of what is actually going on at the moment. It’s left to be interpreted by the reader and good fiction is something that can be written a thousand years ago and still speak to the nature of humanity and the odds we face today.

You also have to take into account your audience. Because I’m a procrastinating slowpoke, I could write an epic novel about the supernatural, vampires, or swords and sorcery elements and it may eventually get finished after the whole craze surrounding those genres have worn out their appeal. Once again, passé.

That’s why I like the t-shirt business. It’s not hard for me to knock out a pretty decent design for a current event or meme while it’s still relevant. But those trends will die out and others will follow and I can keep coming up with stuff because the turnaround is minimal. Writing for a blog has that advantage, too, though the ability to generate a profit from it is limited.

With writing novels, there is more planning involved and I want to stay true to my ideas and my process without having to say, “Hmmm, zombie love stories are trending on Amazon. I better bang something out by the end of next week for people to gobble up.” I don’t work that fast or in that manner when it comes to storytelling.

I’m always reminded of the production triangle when it comes to things like these. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s a triangle with three sides, or areas, representing the choices available for a production or business project:

• I want it done Cheap
• I want it done Fast
• I want it done Well

The Production Triangle by mongo, angy. mongo smash.



You are only allowed to pick two. It makes sense, really. The same goes with writing. If you want it done cheap and fast, it will be crappy and riddled with errors. If you want it done fast and well, you going to have to pay more (as in time away from your job to work on it resulting in costing you more… or a publisher paying an ungodly amount for quality work, now.). If you want it done well and at a lower cost, you better be prepared to wait a while for it to be done.

The writing I hope to make money off of will probably fall into the category of “Done Cheap and Well”. Since I am lazy and a cheap ass.

A second problem is content. I have the ideas. I just haven’t got my arms around on the best way to present it. Do I write a short story and sell it for a buck, taking in around 30% of the profit? Do I plan out an epic series and hope that there is enough interest beyond the first book? How long should it be? Do I write a collection of short stories, perhaps with a common theme or interconnected to each other?

The work I’m currently two chapters in to writing is a basic haunted house story. I’m not trying to go and reinvent the genre. It’s simply a story that I had formulated based off of a weird dream I had a few years back. Consider it, Inception… lol.

What about marketing? Since I am planning on doing this on my own, I have my own marketing tools to rely on for some much needed buzz. Do I release the first chapter on my blog and then provide a link to download the rest of the book through Amazon or Barnes and Noble? What if it sucks? People may read that and not want to buy it. Then again, if I’m worried about that then I should feel really crappy if someone were to buy one of my books, sight unseen, and then write a scathing review. I may fool some people into spending their money but word of mouth will kill my chance at making a run at writing.

Lastly, it comes down to sustainability. DO I REALLY WANT THIS? Well, of course I do. If I can prove that even a hack like me can make a few dollars off of a book, then anyone can. But that doesn’t bode well for the industry I so often bash for having no originality or quality control. “Hey, look at me. I’m a complete and utter jackass and made money at writing.” If that works, I need to improve. I need to do more. I will be forced to stay on top of a little itty bitty experiment I tried to so if I could replicate the success of being a cheap ass, lazy shirt designer. If I can’t keep up with that and the time spent just to manufacturer a small amount of revenue is counterproductive to me being able to hold down a full time job, shirt design business, and family, then I run the risk of failing somewhere else, if I haven’t already.

I will suffer from what most businesses suffer from in the world, inability to manage what works. Companies that do one thing well, can generate a good profitability when that’s all they have to focus on in the course of their day. When they start trying to take on more than they can handle, the quality of their core business erodes. Think back to the triangle. Quality vs. Money vs. Time. But in this case, it’s Quality vs. Offering vs. Money.

Do you want to increase your offering while maintaining quality? You will have to increase the amount of money you spend to manage those ideas.


If you want to expand your offering but cut back on costs, you will lose quality.

And if you want to maintain low overhead while maintaining the quality of your work, you need to focus on a core business and not worry about the white space.

So, in closing, I guess that while I figure out how to achieve what I want, I will need to prioritize that list of three items and figure out where I need to focus my attention. Hopefully, I can manage to figure it all out before the ebook industry tanks like when I tried to push Mongo out onto MySpace and it all went pffft.

OK, I’ve babbled on long enough and I didn’t even earn a cent for all that. You’re welcome… I guess.

The Future of M.A.M.S.

While I’m not convinced that my longevity as a blogger is a given, I do understand that if I don’t put out content, people won’t read. Even if it’s crap, it’s out there and someone will eventually stumble over it like a tricycle in the yard. However, the demands of my real job are going to cut into my ability to keep up with this. Why? Because, I spend more time on the road and have less time in the evening to write. I have to balance this with other stuff like shirt designs and family. So, it’s safe to say that I may not make my long standing quota of three posts a week. Believe me, if I could do this for a living, full time, I would.

In fact that segues right into my point, the future. Call it “Writing as a white space.” For those of you not familiar with the term, it means that exploring a part of the business that I have not yet capitalized on, yet. I started out blogging. I moved onto shirt design. I moved into social media. I blogged more about how all of those concepts work together. I made money on the shirt side, but not the other stuff. Granted, some of the shirt money might have come from those other input channels but most of my sales are because someone went searching blindly on a shirt site or search engine and landed on my designs and clicked “ADD TO CART”.

So, why not use the shirt business to sell some books? Now, I’m talking about selling other people’s books. I’m talking about writing my own. It’s something I’ve been kicking around for awhile now and I better jump on it soon. Why?

Self publishing is right up my alley because I’m a cheap ass, lazy entrepreneur. As a kid, I had this dream of being a writer. When I was 12, I wrote my first story. When I was thirteen, I wrote my second one. When I was fourteen, I wrote my third one. When I was fifteen, I quit writing.

Why?

In those three years, I wrote the stories but did nothing else with them. I had delusions of actually being a paid writer and didn’t think about getting a publisher or what it costs to print and sell a book or the actual need for my work in the market. When I realized that, it was either never going to happen or take a while to happen, I switched game plans. In either case, it was not profitable. But, I held onto the works just in case. Hell, those stories are probably sitting on a 5 ¼ “ floppy disk somewhere in my parents’ house.

20 years ago, I could never conceive of actually becoming a published author, but, in today’s world, a writer can simply write, upload and sell their work for Kindles and Nooks and bypass publishers all together. Some have actually sold a million copies of their books, strictly through ebook sales. So, I am going to try an experiment. I am going to write a book on exactly what I’ve done in the last few years from the business side. I will then attempt to sell it on Amazon or through my site (Those details are sketchy). If I can make a case to myself that it is worth me putting forth the time to write something with the expectation of being paid for it, then I will revisit the idea of creative fiction. Believe me, I still have stories floating around in my head that my nearest and dearest friend/editor has told me to get written.

The caveat is that I have to see a significant interest in this venture before I take the time to attempt a 300 page novel. I just don’t have that kind of free time. Not to mention, I have a few friends with degrees in English and teaching that would probably want to see me DIAF if I actually wrote something and tried to sell it for profit.

The reason I am trying to fast track this experiment is that the new fad smell of self publishing and Kindles are probably going to wear off, soon. Stephen King had once said (paraphrased) that “Ebooks would account for probably 50% of all book sales by 2013. Maybe 2012.” However, he also says that people get tired of the new toys.

By that note, I have an ever shrinking window of opportunity to establish myself before the fad of ebooks or self publishing becomes the MySpace or worse, Friendster of writing avenues.

I still plan to blog as much as possible because I have a great source of material, my kid. Still, the point of MAMS was to rant and rave over the decline of entertainment via the distorted view of a pop culture observer. Those posts take a lot more time to prepare and vet and I have neither the time nor the ambition to do actual research.

I do hope those 4.5 readers I still may have will keep on reading but don’t be surprised if you wake up on a Monday, Wednesday or Friday and don’t see anything new… or worth reading for that matter.

Time To Face the Strange

The news I have to share is both scary and exciting.  After nine and a half years with the same company, I am moving on to a new adventure.  I don't want to be too specific about what I've done and where I am going.  I have spoke on occasion about my previous job and have even deleted some posts I felt were a bit too revealing or even inflammatory.  You can never be too sure.   Let's just say it was time to move on to something new.

Even with the new position, I don't want to paint a target on my back.  I haven't officially started yet.  LOL. 

With that being said, I wish my former coworkers all the luck in the world.   While I don't wish them to be there for a another ten years, I wish them to be there as long as they choose to.  It's been a bittersweet last few days as I have looked back at a quarter of my life dedicated to one company.  It's not the same as when I first walked in, green and dumb.   I won't say it's better.  I won't say it's worse.  I will say that I didn't pull any ripcords or pop any emergency slides.  I didn't go out like Jerry MaGuire and I didn't go out like Scarface from Half Baked.  I spent the better part of today digging up old emails for people who wanted to relive the glory days of when I would come up with a funny top ten list or photoshopped someone's head onto someone else's body. 

It's like cutting off my left arm.  It's not my predominant limb but it's still very important and special to me.  Even though I have the ability to grow it back, I don't know if it will work the same or be as good.   I know that analogy makes no sense, but you get the idea.   I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a chance on doing something important with a risk of failure.   I did the same thing with my last job but even if I would have failed, I probably had a better chance to retain my tenure.   It's all new, now, and I have zero credibility. 

So, until I get a feel for how well things will work... I'm adding double the drive time I had before... I may be taking a little hiatus, for now.  If this is the end of my blog, so be it.  I've had a great run even if I never achieved rock star status.   I did this for me, no one else. 

Thank you and here's to new beginnings.

The Cursor Blinks In A Mocking Fashion

I’m staring at a blank screen. The little cursor blinks in a mocking fashion. I have such a mental block that it frustrates the hell out of me. I have so few precious moments to sit and spew forth all the pent up strangeness that inhabits my brain and to waste them by staring at a blinking cursor is ironic.

Does that ever happen to you? There are times when I have so many ideas in my head just waiting to burst forth, like Athena ready for battle, and I find myself inundated with other tasks that I cannot get the voices to be quiet and wait for a moment when I have the capacity to explore them. Then, when I find myself with ample amounts of moments with little to no distractions, I just sit there and go all catatonic.

I’ve tried everything from putting on music to just going to a quiet place and organize my mental schedule and the brain just locks up like an engine void of oil.

I try to do my best to put out three posts a week and sometimes I phone them in, I mean seriously, do you really care about Jar Jar Binks or Return of the Jedi that much that you would applaud my efforts to expound on their impact on pop culture? The fact that I just typed out that statement with a straight face shows I need help. Let’s face it, for someone who wanted/wants to be a writer, I’m dropping the ball on quality.

The three post a week rule was more for me than anyone else. I’m trying to stave off a stagnated mind and enhance what little skills I have left, if I ever had them to start. I’m not saying that the views I get from day to day are anything to laugh at. Readership, or at least views of the blog, has increased but sooner or later, Cousin Oliver is going to kill the ratings here. Cousin Oliver being my inability to come up with something good to write about it.

The easy answer is that I’m trying too hard. I know that seems laughable when you continue read, what is now, six paragraphs of shit. I mean “trying too hard” in that I’m trying to force magic. I’m trying to produce something to hit a deadline. I’m throwing away quality in favor of quantity. Post, post, post or the readers will go away, right? But when you have little time to write because you have a family and a full time job along with a part time job that feels like a full time job you begin to think that maybe pulling the plug is the best option.

Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. It’s OK. I know you just feigned shock and sadness at the prospect that the least read blog in the world was going to call it quits like Amanda Bynes or more like Brett Favre. Truth is, I want to write. Sometimes I feel like if this was a full time gig I’d find better topics and more inspiration instead of scuttling it to the back of brain and telling it to wait a moment. Sort of like telling that to a child who wants to you inform you of some huge important deal like the puppy just licked his nose.

I guess that’s enough for Monday. I guess that’s a post. I’ll take it, for now. Tomorrow is another day.

Mongo's Halloween Giveaway 2010

Over at the shirt side of Mongo Angry Mongo Smash there is some big news. I’m holding a giveaway for Halloween. Now, last year I held a contest and it might have been a bit of a challenge compared to what I was giving away. Identify 10 of my designs for one measly item of your choice from my stores. Well, mistakes were made, others were blamed, and not one person entered the contest. But, I will not be deterred in my efforts to give something away. So, I’m trying again. However, this year, I’m not just giving away a shirt. I’m giving away TWO shirts… along with eight other neat prizes all wrapped up into one prize vault for one lucky fan.

Today launches the 2010 Halloween giveaway and one person will win TEN items all within the themes of Halloween, Pittsburgh, Zombies, Movies, and Horror. Let’s look at what the prizes are:

• Battery Powered LED Mini Strobe Light
• 50 Pack of Glow Bracelets
• Halloween Sound Effect CD which also doubles as a DVD with Night Of The Living Dead on it.
• Very Scary Music CD with tracks from classic Horror and Thriller films like The Exorcist, The Shining, and Poltergeist.
• $20 Skreened Gift Card good for online or in store (Columbus, Ohio) purchases.
• The Monster Squad on Blu-Ray Disc
• Brand New Zombie Survival Guide Book (paperback)
• Zombies: Eat Flesh shirt courtesy of Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!
• Zombey Road shirt courtesy of Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!
• Signed Photo from David L. Early of Dawn of the Dead, Creepshow, The Dark Half, and Silence of the Lambs fame, and all around cool guy.

And I’m making it super easy this year.   Between Friday, September 17^th, 2010 and Friday, October 1^st, 2010, go to either my store blog or my Facebook group and pick your favorite Monster Hunter.  To be qualified just  leave a comment in the comments section of the blog post or Facebook note (NOTE: You will have to LIKE the group to enter on Facebook.)  After the last day of the giveaway I will pick, at random, one winner out of all the comments from both places and that person will win the prize vault.  I am hoping to have it shipped out to them before Halloween.

Good luck!

Blog Changes: Share The Madness of Mongo With Everyone

Ok, I've been at this for almost three years now and I haven't been booed off the stage, yet.  However, I need to keep up with stuff a little better, like writing and grammar skills.  This stuff ain't paying the bills but it's good experience, right?  Right?  Crap.

Anyway, I wanted to share with you a couple of changes I made.  We knocked down a couple of walls and went with a different kind of teak wood.  Kidding.  Actually, I added some share buttons at the bottom of my posts.  You know, the end of post which never seems to come fast enough, here.   So, if you are all web savvy and linked up with the satellites overhead and can play chess with Joshua, you can now directly share my ramblings with your friends on Facebook and other thingy ma bobby mcgees around teh interwebz. 

So, feel free to do what we learned in kindergarten and eat paste.  No, don't do that.  I meant share.

Oh, and by the way, I found that enabling the buttons for sharing in the dashboard didn't do a blessed thing for making them actually appear in my posts.  I needed to do some tweaking to the template.   if you own a blog and want to add this function I found a great fix.  WARNING:  You need to add code to your template so back up your blog in case you screw up.

The Undocumented Spot: Share Buttons on Blogger Not Showing

Worst Facebook Friend Ever

This is an open apology to all my friends on Facebook. I admit that our friendship has not always been one of reciprocation. For the most part I like being a part of the fb community and try to hold up my end of the bargain but alas I am not. I can try to blame it all on my work. Not the work I do but the place where I do it. We aren’t allowed cool things like fb or YouTube and just the mere mention of a lottery number or fantasy football site sends the huge Websense page flashing across our screen like we are a huge scumbag that is looking at porn. We’re not, Big Brother. But to say that I don’t have time at home to catch up is also a lie because as my wife often puts it, I am married to my laptop and my wife and daughter are just unused icons on the desktop of my life. I know that’s not true and for the life of me I can’t justify that I am actually doing work, that is part of a job, while I am propped up in my recliner with butt perfectly aligned with the worn indentation of said chair. But let’s get to the mea culpas.You send me plants for my L’il Green Patch and I eventually get around to accepting them and for that I am sorry as much to you as the rainforest. You offer me wire taps and punching bags to further my ascension to Mafia King and what do I do? Send you another stupid nine of diamonds. You offer me tons of cool gifts for my pad and they eventually get plopped on a counter somewhere but all I can do is nail you with a water balloon and that happens ever so rarely, anymore. I thank you for the duck, sheep, goat, and even that elephant that is on my farm but I apologize for not chasing the foxes away and for sending you yet another red gazing ball which makes six you’ve received from me this week. You poke and poke and poke me over and over and I don’t even acknowledge that sheep you threw. I like it, it’s soft, and this one isn’t lost like the one you asked me for help with on your farm.

You’ve probably been wondering why I haven’t joined your causes and groups and all I can say is that I still have 36 gifts to accept from Willy’s Sweet Shop. I really am a supporter of sleeping, the dislike button, and things that begin with the letter Zed but I just haven’t been able to think a fifth favorite cereal and candy bar that I like for my top five list. I promise I’ll get to them right after I try and figure out which cartoon character is which in this quiz I forgot to take.

I am really sorry that you all got hit with a bug last year after one of my other friends get hit with an email virus which sent me a message like something to me in the vein of “You always did look good naked.” I accidentally opened it because knowing them, this would have been funny. It wasn’t and everyone on my friends list got nailed and my computer was screwed up most of December. I swear it won’t happen again.

And I also apologize for bombarding you with these stupid blog posts, my shirt designs, and links from consumerist and YouTube. You are actually sending me quality gifts for my restaurant, mafia, island, castle, mob, amusement park, flair board, green patch, aquarium, YoVille pad, sweet shop, Farkle game and various farms. I guess I am a horrible friend. Good thing you have lots of them to balance me out. Thanks for being there. Here’s to good friends. If I could send you all a gift or poke or whatever I would but fb seems to only let me choose so many and I always forget who I missed the first time around. How about I promise to like everything you say on your status update? Deal? Ok. Good. I’m glad we had this chat. I only wish we could have done it on fb but I always seem to be offline.

The End of the Beginning

Ok, you’ve all had time adjust or digest or discard the changes that are coming to the blog. This is the last post that will be used primarily as a topic for CaféPress store discussion. After this, I am unhooking this blog from the Facebook page that is devoted to the store and attaching the new blog. In case there are any fans who wish to continue seeing specifically blog posts dealing with the writing aspects of Mongo, here is a place to become a fan of on Facebook. Those of you who are already friends of the man behind Mongo will still see his self delusional attempts at writing legitimacy posted to his profile and your news feeds if you haven’t already tuned him out.

For those of you who wish to continue seeing posts about CaféPress shirt designs and are interested in seeing how some of the effects are achieved, then become a fan here, if you haven’t already. Starting tomorrow, I will begin posting some designs to the new blog. Mixed into the offerings will be a couple of tutorials on how to achieve certain effects like aging your images and making them look like they were inked, to name a few.

It’s been swell having you as a reader for the shirt side of Mongo but in order to deliver quality posts to the masses…yes you four know who you are… I need to separate the business from the pleasure and focus on one at a time.

Take care, so long and thanks for all the fish.

Mongo

Mongo 2: Electric Blogaloo

I thought about titling this something different but quite frankly I can’t stop dipping into the Breakin’ movie sequel well enough times for it to get old. That’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Ok, here’s why I’ve called you all here. This decision was not an easy one and I thought long and hard over a refreshing trip to the bathroom. I’ve decided to spin off the blog. Now, before you all start saying, “Mongo, you so craaaazy!” hear me out. Oh, who am I kidding, would you care one way or the other? Thought not.

Why am I deciding to take all the hard work I’ve done over the past 18 months and franchise it? My head is getting a little too crowded for all the voices in it. Really, thinking about it, it might be a good idea. The blog has had no real structure other than I post on a semi regular basis. Beyond that, it’s a chaotic cluster frak. I have posts about storytelling, pop culture musings, grumbles about society, and a heavy dose of CafePress shameless plugging…peppered throughout with some political nonsense and set to frappe. I need to organize my thoughts and separate the wheat from the chaff. Well, I’m not saying any of my thoughts are wheat, but at least for the sake of sanity, I need to make changes to this mess.

What’s changing?
Coming soon, I will be unveiling a new blog dedicated solely to CafePress dealings. I’ve decided to use it primarily for design tips, marketing, and showcasing of my work. There will probably be some way of incorporating the store functionality into the new blog with a direct order button makes the transition seamless, but I haven’t the foggiest on how to do it, yet.

The blog, here, will be business as unusual with the same smattering of tales from the life and times of Mongo, but the new blog will be a business first, and a distraction second. The only change to what you see here will be the absence of CafePress store updates and design posts (YEAH)…unless there is a pop culture or news worthy event that ties directly into a design… and possibly a reduction in the amount of posts to the blog (BOO). It all depends on my free time. Yeah, ok, bad idea. In any case, I think it will be a relief for anyone who is unlucky enough to have friended me on Facebook as well as become a fan of the M.A.M.S store page. They get a double dose of blog posts show up in their news feed and too much of a bad thing isn’t even tolerable.

Timeline
Once I chase down and tase my scattering thoughts, I will make a concerted effort to release the new site. After that, I will detach the feed from this blog on the store’s Facebook page and attach the new blog feed. Next steps will be to go through the whole process of advertising on feedburner and other sites, build up brand recognition again and hopefully drive some traffic to the new site while keeping some following here.

Unfortunately, I feel like a kid trying to open up a lemonade stand in Times Square, using only crayons to advertise on lamp posts. I’m probably investing more time and energy into all this with little ROI. For the most part, I may be blogging in a vacuum. Still, I never intended my site to become a huge success followed by millions of adoring fans. Fine, don’t believe me. I’d rather have longevity and a cult following than become the next Huffington Post or God forbid, Perez Hilton. I still like having a sense of anonymity, after all. And among those who know me personally, their opinions and support have been enough fame and fortune for me.

Now, I could give you a sneak peek into what the blog is going to look like but it’s not ready yet. I still have some bugs to work out in one of the features. So, as things become clearer, I will update it here. Until then, I’m sure you’re just quivering with Antici……..pation….or it could just be gas…

Anatomy Of a Blog Post

You know, my readers always ask me, “Mongo, where do you get your ideas for your posts?” I tell them, “Who are you and what blog are you reading?” Ok, so no one ever asks me where my I get my ideas. Those four people lead busy lives and I’m sure this blog is just a distraction while they’re waiting for real web sites to load.

Oh, but in my mind… Yes, in Mongo’s world, my blog is visited more than Huffington Post or TMZ or Stephen King’s “King of Pop” column in Entertainment Weekly. Those other, fluff sites, use me for points of reference and…and…and…not buying it, huh? What? Even in my own fantasy world, I can’t get respect? Fine. Well, whether you want to know or not, I’m telling you anyway.

In all actuality, the title is the hardest part. I can bullshit about anything at length and have been told by my wife that I go to Erie to tell a story. But encapsulating the entire message in one phrase or choice of words is so daunting that I’ve pre scripted a bunch of titles to which I will eventually write posts on in the future. That’s why I sometimes have future post titles lingering out there for weeks. Well, that and I just don’t have the free time to write like I’d want. I mean if I did this as a full time venture, I certainly wouldn’t be all over the place with topics. No, I try to cover every single thought in the world under the sun and in the damp, dark, recesses of my mind. Believe me folks, there are some places you don’t want to visit.

As you can tell, I’m certainly no marketing genius. If I was, I’d focus on one theme and dedicate an entire blog just to that topic. Using articles that would help people in that vein I would keyword my titles and posts with specific words that world drive traffic here from search engines the world over. But I don’t. Nope, I just write what I’m thinking and sometimes a simple conversation with a friend over last night’s episode of LOST can generate a blog post. I write for me and my four readers and I never ask them what they want to read about. They’re still waiting to see if Izzy and George are leaving Grey’s or whether or not a scrapbooking room is worth redoing a hell of a lot of drywall. It’s not like I see a lot of traffic either. I think by my last count, I get maybe 17 visits a day…most of which are me fixing a mistake or posting or checking the hit count. After all, I haven’t generated a cent off this blog even with the obligatory Adsense ads all over the damn place, a search bar at the top screaming “GOOGLE ME G”DAMNIT!” and a various links to products I represent. So, it makes you wonder “Does he write posts to try and generate traffic, or does he try to generate traffic and have posts as filler?” I’ll never tell. Actually, I will.

Most of the time, as I said, I come up with titles well in advance. I feel like I’m being clever with a title and just hope I can figure a way to have the tail wag the dog into a post. I’m just waiting for the opportunity to throw up, Qatar Hero. However, sometimes titles just hit me at a moment’s notice, like Chris Webber, You Owe Me 80 Bucks. The topic of that one happened over 10 years ago but I recalled the events during 2008’s March Madness.

Perhaps, it’s seasonal one like a tire story in the winter or Election Night of the Living Dead.

Although, on occasion I do get all torqued up on caffeine or carbohydrates and just go completely nuts like iRenaissance or From the path of truth, John Hughes hath led me astray. Ok, that last one is a double dip as I just included it on my “clip show” post last entry. I just liked the sound of the title and it was fun to write. I am a child of the 80’s and tend to dip into that Terence Trent D’Arby wishing well often for inspiration.

Mostly, titles are puns or wordplay as I often fond of using. There was one post, which had to be removed for personal reasons, called Modis, Opera, and I was a play on the word modus operandi. Another one called LunchBox 360, was a childhood tale of video game nostalgia while waiting for the school lunch period to end. In either case, I took a familiar term and changed the meaning or spelling of the actual word or something close to a topic you would know, say XboX 360.

Now, there are times when I’m just in the mood to create a Top X list in the spirit of Nick Hornsby on the topic of movies, or television, or music. Still, no matter what the topic, I try to pepper in some pop culture references. Nothing too obvious or hammer over the head, in your face, kind of references, but the stuff of pure pop that only true observers would recognize. As much as I admire Diablo Cody for being a student in the art, and I can’t even really bash her for her style. She’s got an Oscar, ya know? Sometimes I feel like she’s reaching for a reference or trying to create a situation that doesn’t call for it. I consider these attempts The Family Guy approach. While, I love that show, it’s gimmick is that it tells a 15 minute story with an hour’s worth of plot broken up with a “just like the time I…” cut to a shot of something from a popular book/movie/show/etc. The same thing with Cody, she’ll go on about a particularly acerbic topic and point to a pop cult reference where it’s not needed. It’s like mixing up a metaphor and a simile.

I will say that one of my favorite topics to discuss is me. Yes, I am that egomaniacal. No, I mean I write from my experiences growing up these last 30 odd years, moving from school to a career, single to married, and man child to Father. Sometimes, the best stuff comes from experience and I’m exploiting the hell out of my daughter’s childhood for material. It fills the gaps while I try and remember what happened to me one time at band camp. They always say, “Write what you know.” Well, I don’t know everything about a little, but after 140 some posts I think I’ve managed to cover a hell of a lot of ground in a short time.

Ok, we’ve covered titles and topics. Let’s talk structure. I am ashamedly a poor student in grammar. Since the invention of the Internet, the written language has undoubtedly suffered at the hands of emoticons, spell check, and 1337 speak. "Teh", "Meh", and "OMG" have become commonplace and people are becoming more tolerant if not guilty of using it. At least half of my readers are real sticklers for grammar and I can only hope they look at substance over style. I wish I would have taken more writing classes in my quest for a degree. The main reason I started to blog was to try and keep what little grasp I had on the English language. Ultimately, I point the George Cukor finger at shame with one hand and type long run on sentences and paragraphs with little regard to punctuation or details. In essence, I’ve opened up a new post and my skull and just spilled everything out and hit published. Then, I go back, fix the spelling, images, and spacing. In Mongo land there is no measure twice cut once. It’s all on the fly, baby. It takes me back to my college days when I would get a writing assignment. I would throw a bunch of ideas all up in the air and hold onto them. Then, the night before the paper was due, I stop spinning the plates, letting everything crash onto the page. After a couple of hours, I’d print it and turn it in on my way to class. There was no outline, rough draft, final draft, finished paper. There was assignment, and turned in piece of work. Nine times out of ten, I’d ace the topic or class just on my own storytelling merit.

That’s where the fun lies, in storytelling. As all four readers echo as a Greek Chorus, “I love a good story.” So, I guess if you want a definitive reason for why do I write this blog, it’s that I love to tell a good story as much I love to hear one. The art of storytelling is severely underrated and under appreciated. Before the Internet, and before the written word, people used to communicate all of the history and drama orally. Someone was responsible for remembering a specific topic, much like the characters of Fahrenheit 451. If I had the time and technology at my disposal, I’d probably run a video blog reciting my posts with different inflections of voice and characterizations to add to the effect as if I were Patrick Stewart retelling A Christmas Carol while portraying all the parts. But if I can’t do that, I’ll do the next best thing. I’ll take a topic, spin it around a few times with its head on the handle of a baseball bat and then let it loose on the page. Far off in the distance is the point or the end and along the way the tale tends to lean one way, then the other, and eventually, after falling down on a tangent a few times, it makes its way to a conclusion. Much like this one.

A Year In Mongo

It has been a year since I made my first post. And now, here I am with 147 posts under my belt. I've decided to dedicate my year anniversary post to that time honored tradition in television known as "The Clip Show." I've gone over all my posts made since February of 2008 and chosen my favorite posts to re-share...cause I'm lazy and I've been down with the stomach flu since Sunday.

We'll start off the dance down memory lane with one of my earliest diatribes on my love of coffee. From there on, it's a free for all.

I'd like a double tall, half caf, half foam, Mocha Choca lata ya ya....with a twist.
Everything from Kenny G to pegged jeans to Bob Ross is discussed with coffee being the constant throughout the years.

From the path of truth, John Hughes hath led me astray.
Ah yes, the first in a long line of pointless pop culture filled rants that I really enjoyed writing.

They're always 'effing with me Lucky Charms
I liked this one just because the title made me laugh. It also showcased my first attempt at embedding YouTube videos. I went a little overboard.

15 minutes of lame
There is no shame in detailing my rise and fall as an actor. At least there is no modesty.

The Great American Road Trip Mix Tape #4
The soundtrack of my life. Contains a link to part 2.

Stall Tactics
Bathroom etiquette for men.

All Your Free Time Are Belong To Us
A huge series devoted to video games from the arcades to consoles to the home computer.

They call me Mr. Fitty Cent!
A run in with the law leaves Mongo a little short on change.

Meet Me At Hemmy's.
Lamenting the loss of one of my favorite watering holes.

The Baseball Story
A great story as told by a relative over dinner.

Four of a Kind is a Full House
A cat lover's lament

Good vs. Evil: The Internet
A look at how good or bad the Internet is.

Behind The Red Room Door
The junk room exposed.

We Are Errant Knaves, All
A tale of how a little thievery goes a long way.

Post Apocalyptic Pool Hall at the End of the Outer Banks
Another great title for another great story.

The 50 Greatest High Schoolers On Film.
My biggest series that required the most work. Counting down from 50-1.

The Best Halloween Television Marathon Ever
Another best of...

Best of Bond Themes
Counting down the best James Bond themes over the years.

A Merry Mongo Christmas: My favorite Holiday Shows
A Three part series showcasing my favorite holiday shows.

Piss On LEGO
Mongo Sr. retells his tale of Christmas shopping

Here's to year number two.

Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash! Mongo Made a Little Cash!

I'm interrupting the flow of my posts to give a big shout out to the person who bought one of my shirts at the Mongo Store. I just happened to notice that I had a bit o' cash in my account from GetMongo! The item purchased was a lovely black sweatshirt with the scowl and catchphrase emblazoned underneath.

You can find lots more products by going to my store, GetMongo. We got shirts, caps, bibs for the babies, boxer shorts, mugs, etc. "Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the blog is made!"

In any case, other than a blatant ad to schlep products, I was just happy to have someone buy one. So, to the guy who bought my sweatshirt, thanks! Now, tell your friends.

Mongo Out!

Do you want a FREE iPhone? So do I.

Just click here and follow the instructions. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

Here we are. My first ever blogpost on the blogging, blogosphere. Blog me up the blog! How about it? Are we having fun yet? Sorry, had to get that business out of the way. I am in no way shape or form a big blogger but I thought I would vernture into the realm to get a few ideas rattling around in my nugget. First off, let's sell something. Because, that's why we do this, to make money, right?

So, what's up with the title? Ahh, yes. Last year, I got involved with what are called IFW's or Incentivized Freebie Websites. I wanted to get a PS3 and didn't want to spend $400 on one. I'm a new father and the pretty much the sole provider for my family, so I wasn't about to go shelling out $400 for something I'll get to play maybe once a week in between bottles and diapers. That's right, even though I am the "man" of the house, I do my share of dirty diapers and feeding of the little one. Why? Because, I'm a sucker. Actually, I want to be involved with my daughter as much as possible. But, now and again, it's nice that she takes those 2 hour naps allowing me to go pickup hookers, run from the cops, and blow up random cars all in the name of mindless entertainment ala Grand Theft Auto. This little gem of a drug hooked me into buying my PS2 when GTA III came out and with GTA IV on the near horizon, I wanted my PS3 ready and waiting for nap time.

Now why am I talking about a PS3 when this little dity is all about the iPhone? Because, I already got my PS3 and am working on another piece of geek gadgetry. That's right. I got the PS3. In the IFW world, they always advertise getting your PS3 or whatever for free. This is where you hook many and lose all. Everybody who sees the word free will instantly click and sign and pay... Wait, PAY? I thought it was free. Actually, it is entirely possible, yet highly probable that you will get anything for free in this world...except a dirt nap. Yet with these odds, it is still possible to do so. Let me explain.

I go to a site that promises a free iPhone. All I have to do is sign up for a free account. Try out.....pay attention here becuase this is important.....try out one of the website's offers through various vendors, complete the requirements, sign up 10 or more friends, and receive my free iPhone. Now, remember I said, pay attention? Good, that's where it no longer stays free. You see, in order for this or any other IFW to send you the iPhone, they need to secure so many referrals in order to get paid. The retailers, numbering in the hundreds all have an agreement with the IFW. They pay the IFW for every person who signs up and completes the requirements set forth by them. For an example, I used Stamps.com. This website offers a free trial for a month and $5.00 in free stamps just for trying out the service. All you do is sign up with your credit card and a pending charge sits on your account for 30 days or whatever the billing cycle is. After you complete the requirements of the trial and cancel your account. The IFW recognizes that you've completed part one of the needed steps to get the iPhone.

Sounds confusing, huh? It is, and that is where people get hopelessly lost and decide to cut their losses. Let's try and make this a little clearer.

1. I sign up at a site called http://www.myfreewhatever.com/. As of right now that site doesn't belong to anyone. They are offering a free iPhone if I sign up for a free trial at Stamps.com. I get a unique referral link to use for my friends.
2. I sign up for the free trial at Stamps.com
3. I print $5.00 in free postage.
4. After a month, I cancel the service.
5. I get credit on http://www.myfreewhatever.com/ for completing the Stamps.com trial.
6. I sign up 10 friends and they do the above steps using my referral link. www.myfreewhatever.com/index.php?ref=12345
7. I somehow convince, torture, shanghai, pay 10 people to do the above.
8. All of the vendors who got completed trials pay http://www.myfreewhatever.com/ $XX.00 for each referral. They use that money to send me my iPhone.

It sounds like a lot of work, huh? It is. I signed up for a PS3 site in August. I completed the trial by September and it took until Decemeber to gather up enough referral signups to get my PS3. At first, I did what any n00b would do. I posted an ad on eBay. After all, that's where I got the idea. Man, I nearly sank the ship right there. I copied and pasted an ad and changed the link in hopes of getting all my refs in a week. Truth be told, I got 20 sign ups but no one completed an offer. I created an ad with tear off strips promoting my long ass URL which got another 3 or 4 signups, yet still no completed offers.

I started getting really frustrated. I was ready to be like everybody else and just give up. Of course, I'm stupid for that. I want to drag this on as long as possible. Then I joined a couple of message boards devoted to IFW's and freebies. Right off the bat I learned that using eBay was considered spam and could cause me to violate terms of service......like anyone reads those...and would cancel my account. I learned a lot of things about how to go about getting signups. In essence, I learned that I could pay people as little as $15 to signup and complete the process. I went from getting the PS3 for free to having to pay for it. I resigned myself to the idea that if I really wanted this to work, I should invest say $100 in the effort. Any more than that and I agree that I need my head examined. After all, the website said it would be free. Technically, they were right. The free trial didn't cost me a dime. I cancelled before it posted to my account. Had I been a little more aggressive and completely stopped working at my 9-5 job and devoted more time to collecting referrals, I could have done it. But, I wanted it NOW!

So, I started posting in the sections that allowed me to advertise and offered to pay people for signing up at my site. I even offered to trade links for other free items on the outside chance that I may come back to them later. Soon, sign ups started pouring into my site and little green checkmarks began appearing next to the names. I became excite because I was finally getting somewhere. I paid these folks money through PayPal to signup and try out the site and now these people have these....wonderful.....little....RED...X's...next to their......name. What the hell, just happened? Maybe, I should have made a mental note when these people communicated to me using broken english and insited I PAY NOW. That's right, I ran into a group of referral brokers. Usually, they are from outside the US/Canada area and pose as your everyday freebie junkie. They answer your ad and offer to do the site using the least amount of adjectives as humanly possible in communicating. Then, they pay a fraction of what you offer to some person with an internet connection to go on the site and sign up. After that, they move onto the next person and repeat the same process using the same site and same vendor....a no no in some IFW's. If you sign up for a free iPhone with one site, depending on their structure, you usually cannot repeat the site again. Likewise, if you use Stamps.com to complete the requirements for an iPhone site, you cannot complete Stamps.com for say a Wii site. The vendors won't recognize new interest and people are likely to just try and fly leaving the vendor high and dry.

After all was said and done and I managed to get $0.20 back from my scam artists through PayPal, I noticed that I had enough referrals for a PS3. I placed my order and within 14 days, I had a PS3 sitting on my front porch complete with a game of my choice. I ended up spending $150 on the site and made $50 back from someone who screwed up in my favor. Then, the kicker, my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Usually, I hated having to tell her what to get me, because I never know. I made an offhanded comment, "How about $100 for a PS3?" She wrote me a check.

So, there you have it. I did get the PS3 for free......kinda. Now, I'm going back and trying to get the iPhone. Well, actually, I have no need for an iPhone. They're way too expensive to manage. I've heard the horror stories about the bills. But, the IFW site that is offering the iPhone also has an option to choose $490 or $580 in PayPal cash instead. The way I figure it, I can make roughly $200-$300 using the same method I did to get the PS3.

Now that you've read this whole blog entry and are bleeding from the eyeballs, I will offer you the proof of this venture.

This here is the picture of my PS3 box lying on my spare bedroom floor. Ugly carpeting, huh?

Here's a screenshot of the site I used showing I completed all requirements. Note, I did change the link because I am no longer accepting signups since I completed the site. If you really want to sign up, you'll be able to figure out the address.

Quick shot of the little green checks and red X's. They're magically delicious. I blurred the email addresses to protect from spam.

Finally, the clincher. The Amazon slip from the parent site shipping my PS3. Again, I've blurred out my address as to protect angry mobs from showing up at my door.